i wanna be a family
Sunday, Nov. 16, 2003
It's been too short a weekend and it'll be too long a week.
Ex is now kissing my ass because he f'd up yesterday and didn't
return my call and ran off wildy doing whatever he wanted with
Bucky and then when I finally reach him at 7 p.m. I was irrate.
Not a little irrate I was flaming mad. You can get a divorce, but
you one day realize that all the same shit you hated about a person
is still affecting your life even though you're no longer with them.
Ex wants to take Bucky to PA for Thanksgiving. The divorce/custody paperwork states that he and I have half shared days on all holidays. Two weeks ago I decided to take the side of being the better person and leaving it up to my son who first didn't want to go because they are driving, then I offered to pay half for a plane ticket so he didn't have to be cooped up in the car with ex's girlfriend who is the real reason my son doesn't want to be cooped up in a car. They decided that wasn't kosher and that they will be driving. I again, even though I had reservations said it was up to my son because his happiness is all that matters in the end. He decided he wanted to go. It was all agreed upon. So in other words I sacrificed my holiday with my son *note:the second time in 3 years I won't have him with me for Thanksgiving..if he goes.* The last time his Dad just split and took him without a word. I missed his 8th birthday and that years Thanksgiving with him.
Well...yesterday I was so angry I started to tell him that Bucky was NOT going to PA and that was that. I stated very angrily, "i hope you had a great time today off with my son all the while you weren't answering your phone because he's not going to PA now!!!" He responded completely dick like. I can hear his whore in the background telling him how it'll be and then he's repeating the same shit she's saying back to me. Glad to see he doesn't have any control over his own life...lol
In the end my son ends up here late last night. Within an hour he's asleep on the couch. ;-( Pathetic. That was real quality time. I swear the only time he's cool about my requests for certain times is whenever I'm playing babysitter for the night. It's wrong.
Somewhere in between all of that crap I call B.F. and I'm bawling and frustrated and I need him and he's working and its not his fault, but I'm so tired of everytime I have a crisis or a problem or just need him he's not here. Every single time. Yes he was there for me, he talked with me..he listened to me....but it's all screwy. I'm here bawling, he's somewhere else listening. Somewhere else...it never feels like enough when I'm bawling like that and need him.
So he comes home, kiddo is sleeping on the couch so he retreats to his brothers place and they're over there making dinner. Again I'm alone. Yes I understand the logistics of it all...but damn it all just didn't feel so great. I could go on but its all rather pointless. What it all comes down to....I love my son, I want to be a family not a part time babysitter. I want to walk down the hall and always hear him breathing. I want to do his laundry again. I want to be in his life all the way, not just on the sidelines. I feel like a spectator....and it's killing me.
This morning my son..he's so damned smart because after the huge fight with his dad over the phone ....ex had called me back...ie:when girlfriend is no longer present... and he's apologizing and being kind and saying he's sorry over and over again. Sure.. he knows he's not the same person when she's there pulling her strings because lets face it if you're in a relationship where everything financial is provided by another person you just sold your soul because if they get mad you will quickly find yourself homeless, carless, etc. He's so fucked... This morning my son says to me, "Daddy always talks to you all meanlike when *whore name inserted here*'s around but then he calls you back when she's gone and trys to apologize. He futher stated, "I know you're going to let me go to PA, because you said I can always do what makes me happy as long as it's not dangerous, so why does Dad fall for it?"
Smart kid. Smart smart smart kid.
No matter how frustrating all of this is, no matter how deathdefyingly scary...I will always in the end pace my own floor in fear as long as my son is not the one to be unhappy. I don't trust ex. What if he goes to PA and doesn't come back? What if he doesn't bring my son back? What if they all crash and die? What if...what if....what if
-PoeticaL
