PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

its going to be a long december

Sunday, Nov. 24, 2002
I know I�m not supposed to be mad at someone who�s helping me, but I am human and I am mad. I don�t like how I can be sleeping on my couch and I�ll wake myself up to answer his call. I�ll rub my eyes and look around the dark room and tell myself that we�re friends and he wants to talk. I�ll wipe the sleepies from my eyes, swallow the things that are bothering me and listen to him blather on and on about things that I�m being overwhelmed by myself.

I drop whatever I�m working on, writing to find a gift gif, and then when I show him a link he freaks out and says he doesn�t have time for a link.

Well maybe I am too open, too there for him. Maybe I am being walked on because I write �WELCOME� on my face and accept being treated like a doormat. Maybe I�m insanely tired of our friendship being on the backburner for all the work that comes first and foremost. Maybe I sometimes just wish for an hour that he was just my friend and I was just kristy. Mostly when I get to feeling this way I remind myself of all the things he has done for me, and I feel guilty. Guilty because no one�s ever done so much. But then why don�t I let myself get angry at him for the bad ways he sometimes treats me?

Maybe I wish I wasn�t the first one to run to the front of the room screaming �me me pick me� when he does come around. Maybe I just think about it all too much. But I am not mad and I am agitated and tired of feeling like a nuisance when I try to talk to him.

Tired of never knowing if its ok or not ok. Sometimes I want to disappear and see how long before it matters. I think it might be a long damn time before its noticed. I only know that I have tried to not be right there, and when I have succeeded at it, he didn�t like it.

Maybe when the phone rings I should roll over grab my pillow and do what I was doing before it rang. Maybe I don�t have to drop everything for him when he drops nothing for me. I just want to take a month off of everything. I want to sit in a cheap hotel somewhere and look out at the ocean and watch the storms come in and do nothing. Be no one. I want to go away. I want everyone to walk down the lonely beach looking for me. I want to become silence. A ringing phone that�s never answered. A photograph never developed. Negative, yeah that�s what I am. That�s me.

I want to drop everything and not care when my hands are empty. And if you don�t notice, I don�t want to care about that either.

I�m tired of being shoved to the side. Maybe he should go do his thing and I should find my own damn answers all by myself! I�m tired of feeling like this.

Yeah I ranted but it wasn�t about a house on wheels or some immature thing. I have a right to feel like shit when he treats me like I�m a bother. Right?

It�s going to be a long December because I�m going to take it off.

Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

7:02 p.m. ::
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