PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

loves the only house

Sunday, Feb. 03, 2002

Here�s my lovely entry for 3/3/02. My house is being foreclosed upon on Tuesday. Husband wasn�t making the payments like he told me he was. And if one more person tells me he's an asshole I'm going to scream. I ALREADY FUCKING KNOW THAT!!!!!!!!!

I do have money to move out, but not for the deposits on all the utilities. I�m at a loss for what�s going to happen. He says he can refile his bankruptcy and buy some time. I intend to get my shit together and move out.

Last night he took Bucky camping over night. I had the whole house to myself. I talked to �him� for 2 � hours. And I have to say, that in all the world, outside of �Bucky� he is the one of the only people that I truly care about.

Heres what I have in this world.

Me
Myself
I
Bucky
Him
Dark

So I suppose that it could be worse. I could be without the last 3. I know that I�ll be ok, I�m just terrified and in a state of disbelief that my life could spiral out of control to this point. And I was trying to be so damned cheerful despite it all.

Last night he told me about his email from blueyed. He told me �I don�t know where this girl got the idea that I wanted to be with her, I mean she knew about you the entire time. I told her.�

He went on to say that two people should be financially secure and set in life before they embark on a relationship because most relationships end over financial/money problems. I think I need to face the facts that he simply doesn�t love me�.and I�m not the girl he�s looking for. I need to let go of everything in my life and realize once and for all that I have to simply lose it all in order to hope to ever gain anything back.

I need to talk to him, but I don�t want to call him up in tears�.I don�t want to lose him�and yet I don�t think I can be what he wants. I know I shouldn�t feel the need to make that decision for him�but I think its for the best. I�d rather he had some good vision in his head of what I am than to have to tell him all of this that is going on�. That seems so much worse to me.

Its hard to explain. Its hard for anyone to understand how or why I feel everything that I feel for him. But I do. I know that I love him. I know that my days feel like I am walking through the thickness of clouds until he shines that sunshine into it and I know there�s something better out there.

And to think just this morning I was so happy because I went to IHOP and had a diet proof omelet and when she brought me the carbohydrate laden hashbrowns and toast, I pushed them away. I was so proud of myself. What�s the point really? What�s the point in anything I�ve been trying to do?

This all sucks�.it wasn�t ever supposed to be like this. My happy little family from 3 � years ago was supposed to paint smiles on the walls of this house. Now I�ll be grabbing my belongings like an intruder and fleeing from what is now a crime scene without a thing worth hanging onto anymore.

To borrow "upfromashes" words because they're so fitting...I have bad luck, and then I have some more bad luck, and then my luck gets a little worse, and then to round it all off, I have some really bad luck. Occaisionally I get a break where things are normal, but then the bad luck starts up again.

-PoeticaL


Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain
-Martina McBride
2:56 p.m. ::
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