mad, pissed, angry, fed up, fuck it
Tuesday, Jul. 16, 2002
Ok, so today I�ve successfully gotten into a fight with husband, mad, Him, and I even got pissed at Unger for a typical Unger comment, but didn�t even tell him cause that�s work and I can�t fight like a baby ass at work. And so now I�m staring at this big white screen getting �I�m sorry� messages from people that have nothing to be sorry about. I�m just so bitchy and so sad inside that I am lashing out. It�s horrible. I�m so fucked up. So needy. So pathetic. So alone. So many things and I can�t even figure out why I get like this. I mean my life sucks every damn day. Most days I can paint that smile and hold it all in and go on and do what has to be done. Today I can�t. Today everyone and everything hurts. Today I need a Prozac or a sleeping pill. I need things and....this...
�don�t be mad�please please�
I can�t help but be mad. I am human. I can only endure so much. I can only remind myself to love so much. Want so much. And then the not having it all makes me hate everything and everyone. So much anger at the world, and so much held back behind my blue eyes. Always. It�s like a locked door and I hold it all in. Cry in bathrooms, wiping eyes. Reapplying eyeliner in one big long flat word.
Every little thing feels so big. Like shards of glass in my flesh. Everything cuts and then another day comes and I get strong again and it all goes back to numb and then all I want to do is feel. But feeling this much, too much. It�s just too much for me. I always say I�m lost. I�m not lost. If I was lost I wouldn�t always remember where I am and how unhappy I am.
�Why do you always take everything badly you should know what I mean by now.�
I don�t know what anybody means. I never know. I only know which words I�ve heard before. I can only know what it�s like to be pushed away because that�s all I�ve ever lived. Flat words don�t carry emotions every time. It�s a hook and I�m a fish and I�m caught and I die. I die because I can�t fight the nylon lines endlessly.
I take everything badly because that�s all I�ve ever been given. That�s all..just all. I�m not perfect. I�m not all of these things that everyone says I am. I�m scared. I�m crying. And most of all�all I really am is alone. Words can�t hold me, touch me, push my hair out of my wet eyes.
Him: you were kinda fucked up when i met ya
Him: i was supposed to be the fool remember??
Him: If i was the new fool you thought you found, you had intentions of lying to me telling me shit that aint true how in the hell can i be the one whos responsible for fucking with your head when i was the fool and you were the master con
Me: no one that cared about me or knew anything about me would say such a hurtful and untrue thing. I found myself in a big mess and I never came to you for help. And we both know you might have done something to help me. But you are not my fool. You are not my scapegoat or my answer or my solution. I thought you were my friend and I respected you and never came to you for help. I swallowed my lumps and went on. You just....you suck for saying these things to me. I'm not L, I'm not B. I'm kristy...the girl you call when you're upset and need to talk. The girl that has always been in your corner.
Me: you dumped out on our friendship at the worst possible time and it hurt me. That's all I have ever said.
Me: this conversation is over. It's so obvious that you think I'm out to get you or something.
Him: no i dont think that
Him: just leave me out of your sentence when talking about your problems
Me: if I wanted something from you I'd ask for it. I've never asked you for anything. Being my friend...that was always enough.
Him: All i said is you could of left FL long time ago
Him: and you cant argue with that
Me: maybe i wanted a better reason than gee I guess I�ll get a map and just drive til I have no more gas
boy that didn�t go well�.and it was left unwell and fuck it. Fuck everyone tonight. I�m so drained. So over it all. Apparently I want everyone to be mad at me because I set out to do it. Chaos�see it was too nice. Too quiet. Too right. I had to fuck it up. If you�re not mad at me yet, think of something and just get pissed. I�m a big enough fuck up that I�m sure you can find something wrong with me Try �pity party� girl. That�ll work.
Where�s Bernie when I need him?? I want to be a five on the scale Bernie. I feel a 5�4�3..2�.1� fuck it just leave me alone. Don't call me, don't talk to me don't promise me a mouthful of nothing that I hang on. I don't want to need it, any of it anymore. I don't mean anyone in particular. I mean just everyone. Every fucking body. oh and this is not P.M.S. because I don't even BLEED! I can't even do that right! And I didn't eat a damn thing all day today and my pants are still tight. And I'm not even 2. This is just insane.
