memoir idea is born
Tuesday, Jun. 11, 2002
I told him the truth. I told him the truth of what was going on for the last 3 months. I'm playing catch up so to speak. He said he understands. I told him I stopped dumping on him. That was at his request. He probably got a huge headache from me but he said he understood and that we'd do it another time.I did not tell him husband issue though. Because that is probably going to change...again. Why make myself more nuts for no gain anywhere. *sigh*
What did I figure out from this exchange and all of this.
I have to be true to myself. And the friggin' truth is I love my husband but I simply can't accept his infidelities from the past. It's simply eating away at my sanity, making me unable to function right. (Not that I ever did :-) He and I have begun to talk about what I want to do. I have to accept that I can't move out and get everything I want. That I have to lose some things in order to gain others. While this is a huge merry go round, I am increasingly aggravated that I have no control over my life. I came home to the electricity being off. His bill...my problem now. (all's well now....Peter paid Paul and then Paul will fuck Peter and all the Bills will get jealous and then...well...you know how that shit goes)
My problems are either way not his or anyone elses. To allow him to come here even if I was moved out is not right right now. I have to make my life right for me.
I believe in my heart if somethings meant to be it will find a way. Now is not the way.
Thanks to all those that have tried to be my friend despite my fuckedupness. And Fuck you if you don't want to be my friend. I need true ones anyway.
And again, thank you Dan for being there no matter what state of mind I am in.
Regarding my recent post about my father. I shared it with BraN who replied via email...
Awwwwwww...thats sooo sooo sooo sweet....even I have to wipe away the tears in my eyes.... seriously.... this is the kind of story you see/feel/read in Hollywood ...and its sooooo amazing/unreal/upsetting that it is actually so true !! Thanks for sharing that with me....it makes me feel like I knew you and your father too so well. All I can say is that you must never have regrets, you did all you could for him, you gave him the love and happiness he needed in his last few years as much as he gave you the love and happiness you needed too. And to think how important you were compared to anyone else in his family...that importance is still there even if he isn't....KristY, he's looking down on you right now, shining his light and protection on you, you can always be happy for that....think of all the hard times youve been though....he's helped you through these, if not physically, but in thoughts...he's always in your thoughts even when you don't think so..... subconsciousness says this. 'i need a tissue' hehehe...
And just remember, you have a great family ("Bucky"), you have good friends (me and your poetical buddies) and you have peace and happiness don't you ? Thats all you need right now...
Remember one thing even if you forget a million others - there'll always be someone out there who loves you !!!!
And another thing - it is harder and takes more muscles to make a frown than it does to make a smile!
Krissssssssss,
HAVE A GREAT DAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hard to stay down after that. I have decided to learn more about memoirs and write one about my childhood, because entries/stories like that are all my childhood entails. Tons of em, and to think I could get paid for my pain. Strange thought. The reactions I have gotten to that one entrie are astounding to me.
-PoeticaL
