I hold it all in a lot. I tell myself that I�m doing the right things but often I ask myself if I am truly doing the right things.� Without changing a lot of things I cannot do what I would most want to do.� I�d love to buy a house, have a bedroom for my son, a backyard for my dog.� A life�again�a normal family life.� I�d love to drive him to school, come home from work and retrieve him or be home for him again all evening.

 

Someday�..someday.� I know the improvements I am sacrificing to make now will one day pay off.� I want to help my son buy a car one day, help him start his own life as an adult.� I want to be in a better situation so I can truly help him that way then.�

 

Oh but the now�the now is so hard sometimes.� The now sucks so bad sometimes.� Part of me has gotten used to it.� I don�t cry about it all every day anymore.� In the beginning right after the divorce I would rush off to the bathroom at work and cry my eyes out missing my son so bad it killed me.

 

Now I have learned to deal with the pain, to push it back and down deep to move into the next day and do all that I can do to improve things for tomorrow.

 

But I miss him.� Like a dull ache somewhere inside always.� A knowledge that I am not his Mommy every single day because I am not with him every single day.� A knowledge that these years will one day be gone and they will not come back around again.� I ask myself so often if I am doing the right things.

 

I know I have a plan and that working towards a goal is never easy, if it were everyone would have it all and it would be dropped out of the sky.

 

But I miss him.� I miss more than just seeing him, but driving him to school.� I miss seeing his bedroom.� I haven�t seen where he sleeps in years.� Not since the separation and he went to live with his Daddy.� I don�t know what his sheets look like, I don�t know his pile of toys like the back of my hand like I once upon a time did.� I don�t know if he sometimes hates me for not being there when the day is rough or his stepmother says something he might not like.� I don�t know if he holds this against me somewhere deep inside.

 

I don�t know.� I only know that I didn�t ever want it to be this way.� I wanted him to have a family.� To have his Mommy and Daddy under the same roof.� To have what I did not have�a real family always�..always�.

 

But it wasn�t me who split it all apart.� It wasn�t what I ever wanted.� I forgave and forgave and forgave his father for cheating on me.� More than once.� I forgave wanting nothing but to be a family.� And for what?� So that someone else could have my family????� So that she could steal it all away????

 

I miss him�.I miss having a family truly.� I miss it like a constant ache.� Like the ocean moving in my soul never content.� I miss it.� It ebbs and flows and the constant sharpness of it dulls at times.� But it never goes away entirely.

 

I have done my best to take care of myself�.to build myself back up to be someone my son can be proud of.� I hope someday I can succeed in that goal.

 

In the meantime when it�s late in the evening and I again close my eyes and say a prayer for my son and hope he�s happy and safe like I always do�because being someone�s Mother and not truly knowing with visual fact that your child is warm and safe�is sometimes so gut wrenchingly hard�..to miss him and then get a note�

 

from pupart12 :

hey mom !! i sure do wish i could have been there with you to dance to rap and more !! it would be so cool ....!!! well ill be praying 4 u to love u and c u this weekend XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO HUGS AND KISSES BYE

 

I pray for wisdom�.he prays for me� this note brought me to tears.� I love you so much its impossible for the alphabet to make sense of how much.� You make me believe the world is beautiful.