cluttering the net since 2001

mistakes multiplied mistakes lied (poem)

Monday, Jun. 10, 2002
when I am this upset…i write write write and can never find silence when I need it most…so complete at turmoil inside. too many updates taking me nowhere today. too many things from my past coming back to cut me. too many memories mixing with mistakes mixing with everything i did wrong always wanting that one thing that i had for too short of a time. 2 years in a lifetime…. and i can’t get that back. i thought i had that again, i want to believe anything can happen and that’s so true, its just that my anything is anything unimaginable. it can and has happened…too many anythings. i feel so small today. weak. the more i try to come to terms with the truth the more the truth destroys me. its ironic, i find the strength to let go..it comes back. i talk about my father and today all i want is him. i accept and then i fall apart again. i love and then there’s an obstacle, i accept the obstacle, let go and it aches again. i don’t know anymore what to do. i do nothing and something else happens. i do something and nothing good follows.

mistakes multiplied mistakes lied

moved baggage to new places
sat and stared at the wrong words
tracing the retraces
didn’t change what you said

“move on”
“i don’t need this”
never regret
marquee flashing across
"goodbye" slashing my head

picked at scabs
bled in new places
stared at the wrong walls
and thought about displaced faces

wondered if it was heard
or heard at all
wrong when right was gone
told me to look at
what i had, forget the fall

i saw what i had done
keep it close
without you in my doubt of you
i had no one
be happy somehow make
it enough the bad stuff ignore
make the good feel like the most
more than what could have been more

all i wanted
all i hid
confused haunted
confusion did

now you’re ready
to move forward
now after
i went back

too late
never caught up with fate

my heart was yours
too long before you wanted
release faith too soon
echoes of empty
a star cries on the shoulder of a taunted moon

i’m always wrong
wrongly directed
your love is
acceptance at war with rejected

1:51 p.m. ::
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