moving out
Wednesday, Jan. 23, 2002
But here was the jist of what was said. I told him that I need to move out and figure out for sure exactly what it is that I want. I don�t know that I want a divorce or what I want, I just know that right now I�m not happy and I don�t know what to do to make myself happy. I told him how he�s done so many things that its so difficult for me to get past them. And how there are times when I think that everything could be ok but then something happens that is just a reminder for me to remember all the bad stuff that he did.
He said, �if you want to move out and you think that�s going to help you, then I�ll give you the money and help you move out. When I get paid again in two weeks I�ll give you the money to move with. Go find a place you want to live in, but I would prefer that it be close so you can help with Bucky.�
Of course he could be doing this because he intends to run and file for divorce and try to keep �Bucky�. I can�t worry about things I have no control over. I don�t have the money to get an attorney. I�ve had a ton of free counseling sessions with them, where they all tell me the same thing. �Give me $1,500 and I�ll help you.� *sigh*
So�here�s the current plan�I�m going to try to get an apartment that�s right around the block so that I can come back and get Bucky up and ready for school in the morning every morning. And Bucky�s staying in the house. I just can�t afford to get a 2-bedroom apartment or take him with me. And I don�t want to disrupt his life anymore than it already has been and I�m right around the corner�.so� I can�t have him move out and me stay in the house because I can�t afford the bills there by myself because of the bankruptcy payment etc on the house right now, that he caused.
I�m taking �well...he said I could take anything I wanted. I made the comment that I don�t have any furniture and he said �you can take whatever you want..� This is the strangest feeling I�ve ever had. 11 years�. Poof� And I�m not crying�.I�m not upset. I�m just numb and want to get on with it. I want to cross over the realm of this hell and get to the other side already�
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And when it comes to �him� I think I�m wanting something that will just simply never be... I wrote this email to him�.and now I�m sitting hesitating to send it�..fuck!
I�ve thought about this all night. I slept about 3 hours last night and this is what I think. I think that I�m not the girl that you�re looking for. I think that for whatever reasons we did get close. I think maybe it was easier for you to talk to someone that was non-threatening to the rest of your life while you tried to get your life straight. And we both know that I truly needed someone to talk to and so it only makes sense that when we found each other�and could talk to each other, that we did and its not a bad thing that we did.
I have tons of choices I could make right now. I am choosing to be selfish maybe and just run off and do what I want. I know I�m being selfish in a way by not wanting to take on the full brunt of the responsibility of my son. And I could end up paying dearly in the end for that one. But right now I am doing what I need to do for myself. I�ve never done it before and its time.
I think the world of you and I know that if I met you and you were the same person that I know you to be, then I would be willing to give up a lot to have you in my life. What bothers me is that I believe that if only one person in a relationship is willing to do that, then there�s never equality about it. I know that you have your reasons for not wanting to give up anything for love, but does that mean I have to accept that for myself? I think when it comes to me I don�t fit that notion in your head of what you�re looking for.
We�re friends�that�s not a bad thing. But I have stronger feelings, and maybe that is�.
I told you once that I don�t believe I�ll ever have what I want. You told me to change what I want. I think maybe I need to do just that�
Ugh�why can I never have what it is that I want? And should I send this to him or not�.here�s the problem. I know it�ll go on and on forever the way it has and do I want to do this torturous thing to myself to have him in my life�.do I want to continue to believe in love? Or am I better off to cut myself off from all of that and go find myself alone�as much as that terrifies me? I think that if I wasn�t right there for him all the time, he�d find out how empty his world would be without me to share with. Maybe he needs to hear how loud silence is�.
Maybe I need to just stop everything and say nothing�no email��nothing at all� In one breath he says �I want to meet you�. In the next he tells me �you have to be realistic�it might never happen.� I mean�which is he fighting for? I don�t think I�m sending it�
PoeticaL
And if that�s what you had in mind, oh, if that's what it's all about,
Mama, if that's moving up then I'm movin' out. I'm movin' out�
-Billy Joel
So many faces in and out of my life, some will last, some will just be now and then.
Life is a series of hellos and goodbyes, I'm afraid it's time for goodbye again.
-Billy Joel
