PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

my mind is diseased

Monday, Nov. 18, 2002
Ya know how they always say don�t mix business with pleasure? I�m pretty much thinking that that theory is true. Lately all I talk to my friend about is �profit� �traffic� and �ideas�. Mostly I�m burnt out. How anyone can do that 24/7 is beyond me. It�s not that I don�t care about business, it�s more that its all I care about and that�s pretty much new for me.

I got a disturbing email from my son last night. Not disturbing in that anything�s wrong with him, just disturbing in the fact that what he�s asking me for is something that will be painful for me to provide. I am in a conundrum about how to deal with it. Unfortunately I don�t know who to ask or where to turn on this one.

Maybe the answers I seek are answers I�ll never get from another human being because they simply don�t exist.

Sometimes I miss Bernie. Bernie was my therapist for over a year. Sometimes I miss him only in the fact that he sat there smiling as though he were happy I chose him to cry all over. I know he did this because I paid him to do this, but in all actuality I didn�t pay him so I never thought about that issue. He was state funded for a program designed to �keep families together�. I think that maybe they shouldn�t have paid him come think of it I just miss the way that if I bailed on a session he would call me up immediately wanting to reschedule. I think I just miss having that one person that will listen to you and be objective no matter what. I couldn�t wait to get out of therapy and now I�m whining because I miss him. Go figure. But in the end Bernie wasn�t able to help me much wth my situation because as he put it so eloquently�

�Most people in your situation would be on the streets smoking crack and their kids would become a property of the state, you are doing far better than the average person would be and so there�s not much I can tell you to assist you further except work hard, save your money and keep doing what you�re doing.�

Hmmm�.a therapist said that to me. A therapist thought I really didn�t need therapy. Most of the time when I told him about things that were going on his eyes got big and he just said, �and then what happened?� I think I was a source of entertainment.

I think from now on I�m not going to talk to anyone about my life. And then this leads me to wonder why even keep a diary if I can�t truly release all the pain and anguish that I am experiencing? It�s sad that my form of release and self-introspection has become a source of entertainment again.

Mostly I�m upset about that email from my son because I don�t know what to do. I want to do that thing that a good mother would do, but what that might be is truly beyond me. I told him I would always be there for him, and now I just want to hide for the next week or two.

I tried to talk it out with someone I trusted. He chose not to be there for me. I really wish today I could talk to �t� who is enough logic to be practical and enough emotion to have compassion. He would say one thing and I�d be ok and I�d know how to move forward. I miss how grounded he made me. I miss it bad.

This email really ripped me apart. This morning at 5 a.m. I told husband about it and the words.. �what really sucks is that I forget what its like to be held� and he did.

Most of the things going on in my life are like a bad disease that I can't recover from. Like fighting a nasty cancer that's eating me alive. The bad thing is I want to quit fighting all the judgement and just quit everything. To top off my happy morning it's freezing in Florida today.

-PoeticaL

7:37 a.m. ::
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