cluttering the net since 2001

new image....still same ole lonely me

Sunday, Jan. 27, 2002

First and foremost lets all cheer for KC for the wonderful updated picture up there tonight… I didn’t even ask and yet those are the best gifts in life and of course as always thanks to john for hosting the image and doin’ the stuff I just can’t seem to figure out how to do. You guys are the bomb and further proof that diaryland is a friendly place to be.

I again spent my weekend doing the same stuff I always do. Sitting at my pc messing around reading all kindsa stuff. And going to the bookstore…. This weekend I bought a book that almost scares the fuck out of me. A book that I really want to read. But still…it terrifies me.

The Courage to be a Single Mother – Sheila Ellison

I don’t think all the answers are in a book. I still stand by my notion that “all the strength I need I will find within”. I’m just getting tired of looking for all of it within myself when it’s always hiding from me.

We have caller ID at my house…this one girls name keeps showing up on there. So does her phone number. I know she’s not calling me….if you follow my drift here. I have half a notion to pick up the phone and call her. But say what? Tell her “quit calling my house”. Wait…I don’t want this to be my house anymore. Maybe I want to scream at someone and so I’m directing my frustration and anger again inappropriately. I don’t know. But I still want to call her up and tell her something. Just as soon as I think of something clever I will…or maybe I won’t. I’ll ignore it all. Who knows? I just know that it bothers me..but I don’t know why it bothers me. Why do I care who he talks to when I don’t want him anymore? Its like how do I change everything I feel in one fell swoop. Part of me wants to call her up and say “hey Joy…fair warning” The other part of me thinks “fuck her…let her find it all out the same hard way I did.”

I noticed today that when he leaves the house to go to work or something he says goodbye to “Bucky” but he doesn’t say goodbye to me. Today I called him back to the front door and said “you never say goodbye to me anymore”. He said, “oh… ok…goodbye.” And he stood there like he didn’t know what to do after that. We looked at each other and I will forever remember that moment. How truly sad it was.

He got me decaf coffee today at McDonalds and forgot the cream. Now I have given up sugar and he forgot the only part that I could have. Something about this made me want to just haul off and beat him up. I don’t know why all this anger is surfacing. But its bad…really bad….and I need to go buy a taebo tape and redirect it or something. I do have two “walking off the pounds” videos on their way. Maybe that will help.

I did loose 4 lbs this week. I think that’s about the only good thing that happened this week. I need to buy a new more accurate scale. I want a nice big one that I can see the numbers completely clearly on….

I did this entire links page. I hate when I can’t get one stupid link to work and I see nothing wrong with my code. That drives me bonkers. I know there’s a mistake but I never was a good proofreader. Maybe that’s why I can never read between the lines in any relationship I have.

Tomorrow is the start of another long workweek. Sometimes I don’t know how I ended up doing what I do for a living. I just have sort of let life happen to me instead of making my life happen the way I’ve wanted it to.

I let “Bucky” type on the laptop earlier. I just remember that he took it in his room. Not a smooth move on my part but I’m too tired to argue. I just went in and asked him where the laptop was and he points to his desk and there’s my Dell Lattitude sitting on a ¼ inch big ledge that’s tilted off his desk. Good grief! That was close. He said “what’s the big deal?” Hmm…the big deal is….um…goodnight Bucky!

I’m watching a lame movie on VHI’s movies that rock. Shout. Jamie Walters is showing some girl how to play guitar. Something about that makes me want to be in love so bad. I want to be “inside” of love. Not just always looking for it.

I hate Sunday nights! I just counted how many people that are online on my buddy lists and its sad because not one single person is talking to me. Ahhh wait….theres buffdaddy….Brian…21 in Arizona…thinks he loves me. They all “think” that. I’ve known Brian since he was 18. I’m feeling so lonely….I just asked him if he has a number where I can call him. I need to feel some sort of human contact. How pathetic am I? I need to hear someone “real”. He just gave me digits…so I’m gone….


Are you lonesome tonight, do you miss me tonight?
Are you sorry we drifted apart?
Does your memory stray to a brighter sunny day?
When I kissed you and called you sweetheart?
Do the chairs and your partner seem empty and bare?
Do you gaze at your doorstep and picture me there?
Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again?
Tell me dear are you lonesome tonight.
10:27 p.m. ::
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