will he like it even though its not logical?
Thursday, Dec. 12, 2002
Ok so I debated and debated and finally stuck with my first gift idea for �him� and after much debate now that it�s shipped I have half changed my mind and maybe I shoulda just got him some DVD�s that he asked for and stuck with a sure bet thing. I forgot to include something that I got for him and so now I gotta make another trip to ship that separately. *shrugs* I�ve never been much of an organized Santa.
I am still not in the mood for Christmas but figured I'd throw a sad looking tree on my diary and try to improve my spirits. Ha! I am however anxious to know what �he� got me because he keeps telling me how he�s played with it. And that�s ok by me, if he has played with it. The only thing you can�t play with and then wrap up and give away as a gift, is a vibrator, so I�m not worried about this. I am anxious though and in all honesty the gifts I get from my Internet friends are absolutely the best. Odd how its people you�ve never met that know you so well and give such great gifts.
BraN got his gift and seemed happy with it. He said that we Americaaan�s make much nicer flags that they do in England. This American flag as a gift idea came about after seeing a picture of him in his brand new flat standing in front of a huge British flag. I thought, wouldn�t it be nice for him to have an American flag as well, like a union of friendship or some such sappy thing. He�s happy but in retrospect, I�m wondering if I just don�t give the absolute crappiest gifts, because I try to give something with meaning rather than just giving someone what they want. Its such a toss up of confliction to decide.
Earlier tonight I was cleaning out my jammed up email. I have the worst habit of keeping things hanging around in there forever. I found this entire poem I wrote for MadProphet a long time ago that included this passage
You kiss my hand
With jingle bells,
Sunshine your mouth
Must taste like fairytales
Sometimes I re-read something much later and really truly like it and think I can write and then...sometimes it all seems like total crap. I know it�s all a perspective thing really.
I just came across a buttload of left in there emails from �t� and ya know I haven�t heard from him in so long I have to wonder. And yet there�s a part of me that wonders if it�s not all for the best. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. I do not dislike him nor have I forgotten him and if he comes front ever again I will greet him happily, but time�distance..like this�I�m numb to thoughts of him. It was a nice thing�I have only nice things to say about the experience and yet�again someone is gone.
I think overall I have changed so much. Not so long ago something like this would have me writing a ton of sad poetry about loss etc. I just don�t feel those things. I just want my own living room and I want one wall bright neon green just because I can damnit. I want such different things right now. Love is perhaps overrated and costs far too much. I want to find myself. I want to smile and control my own world.
�He� should get his gift on Monday, I can�t wait to see how this goes over�but I�m thinking that I must be insane to be this jacked up about someone else�s reaction to a gift. But I was the same way last year. I guess it�s just when you want to make someone smile you want them to smile big. But I�m the world�s worst shopper and I never seem to get the gift thing on the mark. Argh�can you tell this is really consuming far too many of my thoughts�
I was productive today at work, I got tons done, and then I came home and did some laundry, washed dishes, ate dinner, straightened up my desk, and I have some more clothes in the dryer. I have been debating doing the exercise tape all night, but someone else is watching tv so�I can�t at the moment. I hate that too. Someday�.someday things will all be so different.
I told the lady at the shipping place today what the gift was about and she said, �awww�that�s such a sweet thing to do.� Ok so it�s sweet, but does that mean he�ll like the end result of my one strong thought to send this gift. He�s not whimsical like me, he�s logical to the core. His first question about his gift and what it might be, �is it useful?� Haaaaaaaaa and the answer is NO!
-PoeticaL
