no one could save me but you
Friday, Jan. 18, 2002
Last night he and I got into a huge altercation about trust issues. He was talking to me something about work and I typed in some words that didn�t coincide with the chat�
Him: you know how funny thats going to be when i talk to Nan and i correct her hehe
Him: Nan is office mgr/head of billing
Me: lol
Me: yes
Me: that will be really funny
Him: thats going to be some funny shit
this is where it happens�.
Me: I went somewhere after work with Delboy to have a drink
Him: steve cracked up over the idea
Me: hes got mucho problems
Me: needed to talk
Me: and anyways
Me: some shithead was smoking
Me: and now my eyes hurt
Him: what you just said doesnt belong in our conversation
Me: sorry....
Me: just my eyes hurt
Him: who are you talking too
Me: you
Him: save it
Me: I was checking my email
Me: while you were singing
Him: you were talking to someone
Me: nope
Me: I swear
Him: get real
Me: I am
Him: whatever
Me: if I was I'd tell you
Him: what you just said was middle of someone elses conversation
Me: nope I was not
Me: I told you cause my eyes hurt
Him: dont tell me no (..don�t tell me no?�wow�what the fuck kinda line is that?)
Me: I couldn't just say "hey my eyes hurt"
Me: so I explained why
Him: what the fuck you said had nothing to do with nothing
This led to a 3 hour discussion about the fact that he doesn�t trust me. I think this relationship is doomed. Enough of that. I spent 3 hours on it last night. And the fuck of it all is that I didn�t do anything wrong but try to tell him my eyes hurt and that was leading to me wanting to tell him I wanted to go wash my face to get rid of that smoke smell and stuff. I never got that far. *sigh*
This all goes back to that lying issue. See�you can be telling someone the truth, but if you told a lie in the past, good luck being believed. And this wasn�t even something fucking important.
This all leads me to believe that I need a clean slate and I�ll never get it with him. I�d start out in the negative. I tried to say goodbye last night. He told me �Is that what you really want?� I couldn�t lie to him and say �yes� when it�s not. I left pal and logged out of my computer and paced around my living room not knowing what to do. Then I decided it wasn�t right to run away and I logged back on and then he came to me talking�
Him: you come back to pal
Me: don't feel like it now
Me: i think you're better off to forget about me
Him: is that what you want
Me: no
Him: then why say it
Me: doesn't matter what I want ...I messed everything up
Him: i dont totally trust you no
Him: i wont lie
Me: and I don't blame you
Me: i know what it feels like where you are...and it breaks my heart that I caused that
Him: what am i supposed to do about it
Me: i wish i knew
Him: trust you totally??
Me: I just know i don't want you to have to feel that way
Me: and you don't have to
Me: you have everything going right...just let it go right
Me: forget about me
Me: i fucked it up...not you
Me: I did
Him: you want this
Me: no
Me: you know how I feel
Him: am i not allowed to feel suspicious about you
Me: yes you're allowed
Me: you're very allowed
Me: I don't want to cause that feeling for you anymore
Him: i mean what if lied to you about several things
Me: I know.
Me: I know.
Me: I know.
Him: would you trust me completely
Him: what if i had a gf i never told you about
Him: what if i lived with my parents
Me: I understand
Me: I always have.
Him: ok then
Him: deal with it
Me: its not me that can't deal with it...or wouldn't...I don't want you to have to
Me: you deserve so much better than that
Him: hiding in a hole away from the world wont solve it
Him: your still soaking in pity
Me: no I�m not
Him: hmm
Him: you left pal your hiding here why?
Me: i'm not hiding anywhere
Me: if i wanted to hide I could really hide
Him: that will be next
Me: no that�s crazy
Him: all i said is i dont trust you completely
Me: and I understand it
Him: well accept it
Him: deal with it
Me: thats fine...but you shouldn't have to deal with it
Him: i didnt say i think your a total fucken liar
Me: ok...you need to calm down
Him: some things you do draw suspicion
Me: like tell you that my eyes hurt?
Me: see that makes me feel like I can't just talk to you
What a mess I made. This morning I just feel numb. NUMB. And I want to go do something fun and forget all about this. I want it to all go away. And I don�t want to have to feel the pain to make it go away. I want to just rewind the clock back to 2 � years ago and never enter that first conversation. This relationship has been the most rewarding, the most painful, the hardest, the easiest, the most�just the most�.
-PoeticaL
I know somebody and they called your name.
A million times and still you never came.
They go on loving you just the same, I know that somebody's trying.
So please, return the love you took from me.
Or please, let me know if it can't be me, I know when,
Somebody's lying, I know when somebody's lying.
-Chris Isaak
The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.
-Chris Isaak
