cluttering the net since 2001

oh man....

Tuesday, Jul. 09, 2002
While I have continued to write and post and write and post if you know my writing and you’ve been transfixed for awhile here you know this isn’t really me. I am preoccupied and not my truest self ever since this phone call situation. I am leery of what I write and say. I think twice about everything I type and feel this strange threatening shadow behind me as each vowel stares back at me.

I don’t know anymore who is real and who is really true to me. I think I do and I have tried hard not to put up walls but I feel them half building and then teetering over like those big high towers of Jenga I used to build with “Bucky”. Doubts creep in about people because now I’m paranoid and then it’s another Jenga piece pulled out quick and the whole tower teeter totters around.

I read something that made me question something and then it’s all just words that swim and blur and I can’t get back to that place where things are solid in my mind. It feels like someone’s out to get me. Someone’s out to harm me.

I want that place where I went in my mind, that place that was just me. That place where I wrote from. It’s there wanting to open back up and yet, so far it hasn’t. I keep hoping that in the process of writing with my ships sail up half masked that with time it will blow again freely in the breeze. The feelings are like letters gagging the back of my throat, words pushing to get out and yet the swallow down reflex gags me into silence.

There’s so much more going on than the merrily pattering of the simplistic entries ever since. I just am not me the way I used to be here. I am plastering myself with Novocain thoughts but the fact of the matter is I’m ripped apart inside and I lost my balance. I’ve lost my band aids and there are no medicated stars in the sky. There’s just this big black darkness that’s making it hard to breath. Wait a minute my phone’s beeping…

“He” just called and left me a voice message and in the background on his trucks cassette player was Anthony Robbin’s voice booming “you are in charge of your own destiny.” OMG how damn funny can you get? Especially after today’s emails…

Oh hell… maybe I need to take charge of my own destiny and write with all of my heart and assume that karma will get the bad man.

*Poetical walks away saying in a loud booming voice “I am in charge of my own destiny….repeat after me…. “I am in charge of my own destiny!!” I mean.. “I AM IN CHARGE OF MY OWN DESTINY…*

oh hell that’s so funny..
5:20 p.m. ::
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