opinionated pukes
Monday, Feb. 24, 2003
I was sick today. This morning. I went to work for an hour, had a
major headache that was making me sick to my stomach and I ended up
throwing up and then went home and slept all day.
There was nothing I could do to convince myself to crawl back
out of bed all day.It was a mentally draining weekend. First Bucky was lying to me, then going off on these crying jags. But that's all I'm saying about that. Suffice it say that Ms. Cleaver is a bitch who thinks she'll gain my son over by badmouthing me. What an idiot! My son told me several stories about what she had to say about me. Of course she doesn't like me because he fills her head full of lies so that she doesn't ever speak to me and find out what a loser/liar he truly is. He did this same thing with the girl from New York 2 1/2 years ago. Keep the soon to be ex-wife and the girlfriend hating each other and then the new girlfriend won't get tipped off about his
1. criminal past
2. bad credit
3. lying habit
4. inability to file for tax returns
oh...and the list goes on and on and on....
Apparently according to ex when I verbalized to him my displeasure at her ill chosen behavior with my son, she just has some "insecurities" about his leaving her. Gee....I wonder why? Perhaps because he's a lying cheating bastard and she had to sneak around his wife in order to be with him for the past year and a half? Perhaps because he left me for someone else before and then came crawling back, and she was aware of this? I assured him that I WILL NEVER TAKE HIM BACK and that I am the farthest thing from a threat to her and she needs to grow up.Pretty simple if you ask me! My son hates her because all she succeeds in doing is giving him a reason to.
This morning at work I got the following emails from Rick....(he didn't write these poems, but he did share them with me via 'e'.)
Afraid to care... to much...
or even at all...
Afraid to love... even a little...
Afraid to lose your love...
or my ability to care...
Afraid to try... very hard...
Afraid of love... of loss...
of loneliness...
Afraid of others... afraid of pain...
despair... depression...
Afraid to believe... afraid not to...
Afraid to show weakness...
or to be too hard...
Fear of destiny... fate...
my own choices...
Afraid of what will be... and what never will...
Afraid of you... afraid of me...
A woman
A woman makes her own path
toward happiness,
She does not tip-toe.
She does not tread lightly on her path.
She does not take baby steps.
She pounds with each long stride
making her presence known;
revealing her intent.
She does not side-step obstacles-
she obliterates them.
She pauses only to aid those who
have fallen before her.
But, She does not linger over
those who prefer failure
She marches on,
Making her own path.
A healthy relationship occurs when two people feel safe in revealing their true selves to one another.
Hi Honeybun Have a great day!!!!!!!
awwww....
This weekend when Bucky found out that Rick was away for the weekend, he was upset. He asked over and over if we could call him or see him. When Rick did call me, he asked to speak to him over the phone. How cute. :-)
Last night I spent some time with Rick's twin brother Randy, not that this is unusual seeing that he is my roommate, we do see each other and talk often. He has a girlfriend and he and I swap all our love issues and have gotten to be pretty good friends. There are similiarities about Rick and Randy, but they are also very different as well. But sometimes when I sit back and think about how much my life has changed, and the fact that I have such good people in my life right now, I know that I am blessed. Not only do I have Rick, but along with Rick comes other people that have also been good for me. Last night while waiting on Rick, Randy and I went out and got a drink and ate some chicken wings. During that conversation I told him, "ya know it's not what I had planned at all, I saw none of this coming, but it's rather cool that you and I are also getting a chance to know each other so that when you come to see Rick and I someday in our own place, you won't just be Rick's brother in my mind, but you are my friend. He grinned. I asked him what he thought of Rick's former girlfriends to which he replied, "I really never knew any of them."
It's not about comparison by any means, well maybe it is. Perhaps our minds just compare because we just do despite our trying not to, but my ex's family SUCKED. I never felt anything remotely emotional where they were concerned. They represented 'enablers' to his bad behavior to me. I resented them for allowing him always to get away with things. They still do it, they'll do it for the rest of his life. Oddly last night someone from my past that I should hate told me, "his parents are bumfucks that never left Windber, PA and haven't got a damn clue about how dishonest and ugly he truly is as a person." Amen to that! As ugly as it sounds, its true. My mother told me once that when you chose someone you are choosing their family as well. Rick's family, his brother Randy, is a great guy and has been a good friend to me. Its a nice thing too.
When I come here now to write, it always enters my mind how bigoted, judgemental and small minded diary readers can be. I truly can't believe that anyone doesn't realize that what a person writes in their diary is simply their thoughts and feelings at any given time. What anyone reads here is a mere 5% at best of what my entire life is about on a whole. And its only my own perceptions of events and feelings at any given time. Perception...its a gray area of the mind. The place at which we try to connect with who we are. I know that few people have read this entry this far. It's law of averages, most people only read a few sentences and then split. That's another thing I wonder about, those that judge, are you judging my thoughts and words here based on the 5% of what I write minus the 2% that you skip over because law of averages scanning. I mean, truly...think about it. I never mislead myself into thinking that a diary equals a person. Why do other people do that? Lastly, my son's grades did drop, then they leveled back out. Simple. The notion that this matters to anyone else cracks me up. He's my son...and he has recently changed schools which caused him to get a report card from the prior school and a progress statement from the new school. The old school says that he was dropping, the new school says that he is level for his grade. You figure that shit out. And then someone please tell me why a a fragmented thought I have one day that changes due to information not provided you the reader, matters. I mean, seriously...are we all that closed minded about diary reading? If you are, then for crying out loud, go volunteer your diary reading time to a good cause, because if your reading with that frame of mind, you're wasting alot of time that you could be using elsewhere for something better. I'm not here to impress you or anyone else and I doubt anyone else writing a diary is either. The only other thing I have to say about this issue is..if you are going to raid my thoughts, rape my meanings, and then pilage for your own worded daggers to try to hurt me with my own thoughts, at least tell me who you are and where 5% of your life's pereceptions are posted. Otherwise...yeah...most people follow what I'm saying.
-PoeticaL
I love you Rick!
