party like it's 2005

Last night I got 3 hours of sleep. Today I�ve already had 3 cups of coffee. I�ve been to Job #1 and am now at Job #2. I have had quite a morning already. I busted two students in an emptry classroom trying to get their educational groove on under some tables. No lie! I also had quite a night last night. I have a few things to say about last night.

The fianc�s brother�s new girlfriend Chrissy had a birthday party for fianc�s brother R and I suppose my fianc� was included in on that. I took the day off from the U and I took some part in the party. I was the last part. The y. Why do I always end up at a party watching other people drink and mingle while I think of all the things I could or should be doing or have to do the next day. As in I shoulda been asleep, I shoulda been folding laundry, I coulda this or that. Why why why can�t I ever grasp the bottle by the neck and strangle that bitch right down my own throat? Why can�t I??

I never have parties because lets face it I�m not the social butterfly I most want to be. I�m just far too busy, far too knocked up by lifes responsibilities to be fluttering around having mindless conversations with alcoholic inebriated people I�ve never met before. So while I see the need in myself to branch out and make new friends and had and do still have these high hopes of being all pally wally and chummy with Chrissy, I just can�t hang with a girl who can drink like a man can.

She�s also a highly educated girl who is a nurse of some sort. She makes a buttload of money at her job, but prefers to work hardly at all and live off of a few days worth of pay rather than a fulltime position. Odd. She�s a pretty girl but has her hair chopped so far up her forehead that it almost looks like she�s got a mullet, except that the back is barely there even though it�s long. Again�odd. She weighs about 400 lbs and wears only stretch jeans. Everything is too tight and nothing looks quite right on her. She looks uncomfortable. Believe me I know what it�s like to carry extra poundage, I am by no means a size 5. But this girl makes it hard for me to not feel badly about her ability to move freely. The oddest thing for me was last night when her man grabbed her crotch and I had to wonder if he really was feeling any of her actual crotch. See, I have these oddball thoughts about things that just don�t matter when I am the designated driver and am the only one in the room not drunk. I know that for me, having sex is easier and more pleasurable the more weight that I have lost. I find it disturbingly haunting how much I wonder about her sex life and it�s pleasure factor due to her weight issue. I should NOT think these things and yet I do.

I think I think these things because she�s forever telling me I�m too nice to R. She thinks marriage sucks and she thinks I�m crazy for getting married again. She�s still married to her husband who she hasn�t been with for almost a year. I find this disheartening because she�s not even on her way to getting a divorce. SO many people in Florida just split up from their spouse and then sit around for years never getting a divorce. This is none of my business of course, but I just disagree with that. If you�re not together then absolve it a.s.a.p. She says that her estranged spouse doesn�t want the divorce and won�t agree to it. She has to then wait one year. It�s been almost a year. I�m curious as to whether or not she�ll actually do it. I like her, don�t get me wrong, I just don�t like some of her smartass comments. I never know if she�s being a smartass or if she �really means it.� It�s so hard to distinguish and sometimes it feels like too much trouble to even bother or try to. I don�t think that R really likes her too much because he�s said a few sly things to me about the situation. It�s so hard to tell. His brother would like for her to be in our wedding but I don�t know if I can have someone in my wedding that thinks I�m crazy for getting married in the first place. And besides the wedding is an entire year away, who�s to say that his brother will still be living with this girl. His track record is not too good on the longterm thing. Oh and�I�m just not sure that the dress I found goes larger than a size 26/28. And NOOOOO I�m not even kidding on this statement. I�m sadly not. The really odd thing is I would not be pairing his brother up with her anyway. He�s the bestman paired up with my maid of honor. She�d be paired up with someone else. Argh�.the whole sorting of these things makes me want to fly to Vegas and tell a fake Elvis that �I do.�

I got lost last night driving from their house to my apartment. I was in south St Pete and this is never a good thing. Never. I drove an extra 12 miles trying to get back on track. I eventually did, but it�s insane how badly I get lost at night sometimes. It makes me feel weak as a person to do this and do it so often.

The fianc�s other brother was first told last night about the upcoming nuptials via moi when I asked him to be the photographer at our wedding. I was the one to tell him because for some reason the fianc� has not and did not want to be the one. This is his half brother. Ironically it was probably a mistake for me to have told him because he spent the rest of the evening pointing at my man as he had a blast on his birthday and stated to me �he�s all yours, he�s all yours.� Yah, the fianc� was having a blast. He was dancing and partying. It was his birthday afterall. I believe he is also in bed right now where I left him this morning sleeping like a happy baby. He had a lot of fun.

Back to my original thoughts�why why why can�t I be a party hog just once in awhile? Why am I the girl who�s sitting there having ONE or TWO drinks and eating food to level out the alcohol consumption and counting down my hours of sleep as they slip away, already thinking about how badly I will feel the next day. Why can�t I be more like those happy go lucky fools I was at the party with last night and cut loose and have a blast and say �fuck all� regarding job responsibility etc like everyone else. Why am I the prude with thoughts of tomorrow always always? Why? Why? Why can�t I ever just chill out and get trashed?

Perhaps because I�m the designated driver? OR AM I the designated driver because I have the designated driver mentality and everyone knows my lame ass won�t be sloshed in an hour�s time?

New Years Resolution early for 2005, say fuck all, have more than 2 drinks all night and call a fucking cab to get to the party and don�t drive myself or anyone anymore. Yeehawwww�.I�m gonna party in 2005 like it�s 1999. Afterall being little miss dependable isn�t getting me anywhere in the fun for kristy department.

I wonder if he�s stilllll in bed. I�m so damn envious of him right now I could spit pennies. (Editorial addition ten minutes later: he's not stil in bed and his hangover is so big we might have to give it a name of it's own...I'm not envious. I'm tired, but I have no vomitus ideas and therefore he should be envious of moi')

-PoeticaL