pizza? cd?
Saturday, Dec. 14, 2002
He told me I could talk about him here and he hasn�t rescinded that or given me a gag order. After a long night of not getting much sleep and not eating any breakfast, here I am babbling on about stuff. So here goes�
He was dating this girl a few months ago�.I can�t say much about her because it would be only from his perspective and I can�t possibly have an accurate opinion about a person I�ve never met. In fact, I�m sure she�s a wonderful person in her own right. He doesn�t choose to get to know anyone that doesn�t at least have some semblance of intelligence and attractiveness. So I�m sure I could sit down and have a conversation with her. I thought she was gone from the scene. I thought he flicked the switch and her light went out. But apparently now he�s burned a CD for her and they are going out for pizza. And this is all a �friendly� thing. And so after being informed of this, I was asked for my opinion. He wanted to know why she would still want to see him after he informed her that they were too different to ever make a relationship work. What did she possibly see in him? Hmm�how do I give my opinion on someone I don�t know without my opinion being totally laced by my own issues?
Instead of dumping out all my bullshit stuff, I said a whole lot of nothing. And that never goes over well. I�m his confidant I guess and I�m supposed to be unbiased and say something like �well, she likes you, you like her, go have pizza and have some fun.� Or perhaps it would have been more suitable for me to say, �if you are again speaking to each other months later perhaps there is something real and valid about your relationship and you should go out and pursue that instead of letting all the outside influences fuck it up.� And I did say the latter, and like most conversations like this, I get all muddled up in my head and just fight not saying what I really want to say. Which would be something like the following.
�I know why she wants to be around you, it�s probably the same things that make ME want to be around you.� And then it�s about me. I get accused of making everything about ME. And so I didn�t say that. This isn�t about me. But it�s me that is listening to this. It is ME that he comes to talk to. I know he doesn�t open up and share his true thoughts with many. And I know he never sat down and told this girl what was really bothering him, because he�d maybe hurt her feelings, or maybe feel stupid or maybe this or maybe that�.but the fact of the matter is, if he can�t talk to someone fully and completely and without reserve, he really has shit for shit noting to build upon with that girl.
The other thing I wanted to say was��I know why she came back around even after you dismissed her.� It is because you have your shit together, you have your head screwed on right, you have values and morals, and a huge capacity for being kind hearted, funny, and a great listener. You are a wealth of talents, a world of ideas, and besides all of that, when you laugh it is real laughter, and when you speak it is always with truth. I wanted to tell him what I see. I see a person that makes me want to be a better person. I see someone that doesn�t let me wallow in self-pity and bullshit. I see someone that is my friend first and foremost and knows the value of building something real.
If she can see even half of what I myself see, then its no wonder she�s looking for excuses to see you. �Can you burn a CD for me?� Even though this CD is $10 and she�s got more than enough money to buy it. �Can I borrow�. �How about pizza on me?� It isn�t about the CD, the borrowing or the pizza. She�s doing the same thing any smart girl who had the chance to be around him would do she�s hunting for the excuse that will get her foot back in the door. Not a stupid girl by any means.
He seems to believe that I have told my diary audience that I love him. I know I have never used those words, but then again I think it�s fairly obvious that I have strong feelings for this person. Might be because despite all the arguments, all the struggles, the confusions and frustrations, he�s the only person that hasn�t intentionally and with forethought tried to destroy any part of me. He is my best friend.
And that girl�I cannot tell a lie. I hate the fact that she can sit down and have pizza with him. That one thought kills me. And then I don�t hate her, because he deserves far more than to sit alone, far more than I can give him.
Having said that, I wish he�d just stop letting unimportant things get in the way. I wish only that his life be full of happiness and success even if it was at the expense of my feeling all torn up inside. I guess that�s part of what it means to feel so much for someone. You�d rip your right arm off and sacrifice it while smiling if it was for them.
I myself�feel like the luckiest girl every time his words trail off and I know that he fell asleep and I was the last person he talked to. I guess it doesn�t take much sometimes to make me feel lucky. Sit down and have a pizza with him�she�s a lucky girl and I hope she makes him smile. That�s probably another byproduct of my caring about someone for the right reasons.
I think he should go, have fun. I think if she honestly thinks he's not good enough and she makes him feel that way at all....that sucks. I think he's far too good for her. But I'm biased as hell...
-PoeticaL
