pogo stick
Thursday, Jun. 12, 2003
ok....we worked it all out. He says that if I would have just hugged him then he woulda hugged me back. And I admit I'm stubborn and was extremely emotional two nights ago. Listening to my son cry and believe that I'm not seeing him because I'm working every "single" day the way he said it...just tore me all up inside. I don't choose to work every single day to avoid seeing my child. I'm unable to see my child because of the circumstances. Circumstances that are difficult to explain to a child...more so over the phone. But I digress....Rick and I worked it out. He's sorry...I'm sorry.... it was like this one big ugly outbreak of my emotions. I'm carrying a huge bag full of them around with me.
Yesterday I got out of work early due to the air conditioner being on the blink. So...I decided that I could go to my son's daycare and just pick him up and at least see him and be able to explain some things and hug him and tell him his mommy loves him. I got there....and there was a sign on the door saying that they were on a day trip for the day and wouldn't be back until 4 p.m. By that time...ex or bitch would probably be around there to pick him up. So...I thought it best for my freedom purposes to just leave. Then I walked around Target mindlessly and cashlessly. (that should be a word dang it!) I just walked around and around and around and then I went to the toy section and looked at all the toys my son would love and I can't afford to buy for him....it was a huge lump I swallowed back. And I did end up standing in the toy isle crying all by myself. I don't know why I tortured myself that way.
Last December when ex left my son borrowed the neighbor girl Gabby's pogo stick and he spent all of his time jumping on that pogo stick on the front sidewalk. I'll never forget laying on the floor all torn up about the split and knowing that Bucky was always close by because all I could hear day and night was that pogo stick noise. It was as if he had pent up energy he had to release. A few days ago while shopping in K-mart with Rick I saw a Razor brand pogo stick that looked kick ass. So...this weekend I'm going to go buy it and pay the $20 or more shipping and send it to him. I know gifts don't make up for my not being there but I can't sit here and do nothing. I hope he doesn't already have one....I hope he likes it. I gotta go...I'm crying again.
-PoeticaL
