PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

scared to breath

Monday, Jan. 20, 2003
I could say everything�s great, but then on the other side of my life everythings just in boxes and unfinished, undone, and unbelievably sad. I miss Bucky. I miss jamming in the morning�s in the car, I miss listening to him talk to the dogs. I miss the dogs. I miss parts of that life, and I miss lots of things I just never did right.

And then there is Ricky. Rick is just �he�s everything. But I�m terrified all of the sudden of the whole thing. Can I let someone get this close to me this fast this soon after such a big loss? Last night he said, �I�m starting to have feelings for you.�

I know the feeling.

I can�t decide if I should stay, if I can stay with Rick for awhile, if it�s best to pay off all these bills and then move on, if it�ll mess up something good by rushing right in every day. If it will be more harmful if I move out, if I�m too far away. I just am not sure how to proceed, but I know I want to proceed. I want his hand in mine right now, it feels like the very �rightest� thing for me to do.

Fear is a horrible thing. Fear of more heartbreak is enough to make me hold my breath hoping that I won�t need to breath anyways. Hoping that this time �this one�.this will be different.

Mostly I just want to be happy and I�m so not sure what will make that happen right now. But wait�I was happy this week, until I started to get this scared.

-PoeticaL
12:30 p.m. ::
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