shopping?
Wednesday, Jan. 29, 2003
Last night after work I went to the bookstore and got some coffee. I haven�t done this mundane normality thing in my life for over a month. This is something I did frequently before the big crash of 2002. It�s been one month since he left, a few weeks since I moved in with Rick and life still feels surreal in some aspects.
I bought a book last night; most of my books are in storage except for one box. Right now I can�t for the life of me remember the title. After the bookstore escapade I went over to Rick�s workplace to get the keys to the apartment from him since I still do not have my own.
He asked me where I was, I told him �shopping� he said, �where?� �you don�t like to shop� and I dunno�to make a long story short�we had a tug of war of words about this most of the evening after he got home from work around 11 p.m.
Half my problem is, the last relationship was totally f�d up for a really long time and I�m terrified of trusting, loving and taking that risk of being hurt. The other half of the problem is that I believe that Rick�s been through his own set of stuff.
I know that he wasn�t asking me to be giving me the Spanish inquisition but then when he said, �did you see him?� and he says he meant my son�.but I think he�s worried that I�m going to go back to the asshole� That blows my mind. I went back once. Once was too much. I�m done. My marriage is more than over times ten. I know that if I were Rick, I�d be worried about that too to some degree. But I�m personally tired of being hurt, cheated on, lied to, and generally misled.
I know that the circumstances threw Rick and I into living together before we had a chance to really spend lots of time together figuring out what we might both really want. He�s a great guy�yeah he really is. I�m just a little messed up from the nightmare I�ve just walked through. I am scarred and I am acting like an idiot. I�m terrified of letting myself get hurt again.
Do I think Rick is a liar, a cheat..etc.?? Nope�I know in my heart that he�s not. But fear�fear is a wicked thing.
This morning when I kissed him goodbye he shivered and showed me the goosebumps I cause on his arms when I kiss him. He is so open about the affect I have on him�.I love that about him. I really dig him in such big ways. I�m just messing up because I�m afraid to just let go and let things happen because what if I mess up? It�s a wicked cycle I�m in.
One thing that doesn�t help is all the bullshit conversations I�ve been having with husband. I need to get the fuck away from him for a week or two. That idiot got a one bedroom apartment and put the King size waterbed up and he and my son are crashing on the same bed. He�s just not right in the head. I�m not happy about my son�s living arrangements or involvement with that bitch he�s with. But�.time�.just time�.it will change everything.
-PoeticaL
