*sigh* the net...
Tuesday, Jul. 30, 2002
Internet relationships�.are�more than difficult. You start out wanting to be friends. You randomly run across someone that�s just fun to chat to. Then a few weeks into it, you�re addicted. It�s worse than quitting crack. Maybe that�s why I wanted it to be ugly because I wish I could just hate. Hate is such an easy emotion. Certain things in my life, other people see and say, �how do you deal with that?� Massive amounts of silent hate. Hate is the biggest killer of pain.
I wanted to hate him and just be numb about the whole mess because I can�t hate him. Because it�s never been about him so much as it�s been about amazingly high levels of stress and amazingly high levels of expectations that never paid off. Then the resentment sets in. Then you realize it�s no longer about talking to someone you enjoy talking to. It�s worse than work it�s debilitating and robbing you of �real life� happiness.
But that only happens when one person goes farther than the other when one person wants more than the other ever did. I either care all the way or not at all. It�s nearly impossible for me to sit in the middle of the show and watch it from the sidelines emotionally. Watch someone run off and be happy elsewhere. It�s so hard, because I want him to be happy. He probably doesn�t believe that. But I do want for his happiness.
I�m not ever talking about this again. I will only say this.
He is a very special person for whom I hold only high regard. Anything I ever said in a derogatory manner towards him was out of frustration and feeling less than good enough for him to want to choose to be with me. I wanted nothing more than to be near him, around him�close to him. I didn�t want those things because he�s not a good guy. He�s bright, successful, attractive, genuine, a true friend. I messed up a lot of things. I am to blame for a great deal. All he�s ever tried to do was be my friend and help me. I fell too hard. I couldn�t handle the constant rejection feeling. I couldn�t handle watching him with someone else always, and I�m shitty for that, selfish for that. Of all the people that I have ever known and will probably ever know, he was the most influential and honestly in my heart�I know I�m not ever going to be with him because of what I couldn�t be towards him in return.
I had gotten to the point where I hated to talk to anyone online until I met �t�. And saw and do see how different it can be. I don�t experience the back and forth power struggles. The �don�t bother me I�m busy� crap. The �let me break out all the rules� before we discuss anything� shit. If he can�t chat to me, he doesn�t log on. And when he logs on, he speaks to me immediately. It�s so damn simple. So straight forward. So easy.
I firmly believe and will always believe that the Internet is just like real life. It all depends how two people interact and cope and deal with everything. I have seen many marriages happen and remain good from meeting on the Internet. Don�t believe me go check out proofrock and qwenllian diaries respectively. They overcame and continue to overcome to be together. Love is love whether it�s online or not online.
I think people just tend to want to point their finger at the Internet and blame it for the messed up relationships that happen. Guess what�look around. They�re everywhere! But so are the good ones.
Last night was horrible. And then I talked to �t� and he was there for me. And I realize that it has nothing to do with a computer or a phone or someone standing in the room or not. It has to do with someone genuinely caring for another person and being open towards that person without conditions.
Have I mentioned yet that I love that military haircut? That I love that he doesn�t care about my diary. Have I mentioned that he loves my poetry and reads my quixotic diary. Have I said that I am working on a poetry only diary just so he can read something everyday? I know he does too cause he greets me with reference to my entries. That�s so sweet. Have I brought up the fact that he drops me �e� everyday and doesn�t point out any of his efforts to be close to me expecting a pat on the back, a thank you and a grateful greeting card? If I haven�t �.backspace and read that stuff again.
Did I mention that this is my diary? Did I say that lots of people have em. Do a search, you�ll come up with thousands of them. It�s a normal activity. Did I just say this is my diary and I�m keeping it? Uh�yeah � ok well it is and I am! Did I mention that a diary can�t be hacked through google, for all those that expressed concern. I think you need to be a hacker to hack a diary, either that or as smart as �him�. I never was too fucking good at hiding shit from him. All that time...all that information and I still don't own a catheter.
added a pic of �t� last night
PoeticaL
special thanks to Sandy for letting me vent last night. Your friendship is the best. And to e-nymph for making me laugh over panties at a time when I needed to laugh.
