cluttering the net since 2001

this is my life

Wednesday, Feb. 27, 2002
“ i never said i dont ever want to meet you” Why is it that when you love somebody you constantly grasp onto the words they say when you should be grasping onto the other words they say…like… “if you dont like the deal you dont have to buy it” He doesn’t like the deal. He’s known the fucking deal all along.

I’m sitting at work waiting to hear about my apartment. I bought a bed last night. A queen size…black wrought iron….very nice. It’s a 4 poster bed. Something about that new bed…I can’t even explain. A new bed and no one to make love to on it. Kinda like being all dressed up with nowhere to go. Sad. I think I need to put all my antique bears on that bed and sit on it like a little girl and dream of a new tomorrow. When I was a kid I used to sing “Somewhere over the rainbow” at the top of my lungs while jumping up and down on the bed. Maybe 50 lbs less from now I can do that again. Jump up and down on my bed. Wait…I’m too damn tall, I’ll hit my head. Wait…maybe I need to do that…..

I know that all I need to worry about is myself and Bucky…. But I’m worried about absolutely fucking everything! Everything…. Nothing feels sure…

Unger is giving me a love seat, table and some standing lamps….knowing him everything will be clean clean clean…and that is an awesome thing!

I read somewhere once that a guy name Chuck wrote a novel on post it notes while laying under cars at his auto mechanics job. He wrote an entire best selling book while someone else paid him. He went on to write more novels and doesn’t have to do anything but write now. But it wasn’t easy, I’m guessing.

Most times lately when I falter I try to picture Chuck laying under cars he’s supposed to be fixing all the while scribbling on paper so small that it most surely was frustrating. Oil splattered post it notes shoved into the pockets of his dirty work pants. He was getting paid close to nothing and worrying about how to pay his bills. But he kept scribbling.

A few years ago his “post-it” note written novel was made into a movie that I think everyone has seen. I think about Chuck a lot. I seriously doubt that anyone made it easy for him. I think I’m just like Chuck. Now all I need is some post it notes and the strength to follow my own dream.

I realize that nothing in life is simple. Nothing is free. Nothing for me has ever been easy. I’m not going to sit around waiting for that to change. Chuck Palahniuk didn’t.


where you are now, you cant even
imagine what the bottom will be like.
if you don't fall all the way, you cant be saved.
it's only after you've lost everything
that you are free to do anything
- tyler durden and the dust brothers
1:37 p.m. ::
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