cluttering the net since 2001

crying over lost time, not enough time, bad timing

Tuesday, Feb. 19, 2002

I don’t usually type out my entries right into diaryland but here I am doing it. Tonight I talked to two people. During the first conversation I told Draukenrue that I want to go and get my life straight. That I can’t possibly take care of “Bucky” by myself on what I make. That I wanted to believe in “him” and all of that….I explained it all. He didn’t judge me. He listened to everything I had to say about a very difficult decision I feel that has to be made. I can’t take my child with me unless I can take care of him. But how the fuck do I leave him? And no one can help me….. But Draukenrue heard me out…. Maybe everyone can hear you out one time…maybe “he” can’t hear me anymore because he’s tuned me out to protect himself. I don’t know…

A half hour after I hung up…”he” called me. I tried to open up and talk to him about “Bucky” and the entire decision that I’m trying to make. At one point he said that he’d never leave his child if he were to have one. Then I started to cry…. He told me to hang on and he made another work related phone call on the regular phone while I sat there listening. Then he came back and said “Well it’s 1 a.m. say goodnight.” Just like I suspected that he would but I sat there like some kind of fucking fool waiting to see if I was right during his entire catheter related conversation. I’m either so far gone or just so fucking pathetic that he can do anything he wants. Then when I said, “I’m mad …I’m upset with you…I was crying….and look what you did.” He simply said, “you’re always crying.” God help me, but I hope that this conversation erases my feelings or changes him or something…. I can’t …. There are no words…. And I haven’t cried about anything for about 4 months. Instead when he asks me how I am I say ok. He’s certainly not very worthy of my tears and so I have forced myself to stop crying tonight…. It’s late….I need to go to bed.

When I said I was mad he said, “No one is telling you what to do….or that you can’t do what you want…you’re an adult…make your own decisions.” That wasn’t the fucking problem….if I was in the room crying would he say “hold that thought I need to go sell some fucking catheters!” Probably…. Sad..

And to think I put aside most everything for him…always. Those days are over. I’ve got to get him out of my heart. I’ve got to. Dreams are fucked and they never come true and I’m so tired of this roller coaster ride that I just want lightening to hit and electrocute my soul into a fizzle of smoke that illuminates the sky for one beautiful moment…and then silence. Just silence….

1 a.m. is not the time to cry…. I shoulda hung up on him when he was on that phone call….but no….pathetic fuck that I am…I waited. Waited…for someone that doesn’t have the time for me.


One other thing…he said “Its not that bad where you are is it? Can you think of 25 other people that have it worse than you? Maybe you need to stay where you are.”

And then....

Draukenrue: you still there?

PoeticaL: yes

Auto response from Draukenrue: :-P Sucker

Draukenrue: hiya sweetie :-)

Draukenrue: how are you doing?

PoeticaL: ;-(

Draukenrue: whats wrong?

PoeticaL: heyyyyyyy there you are

PoeticaL: can I tell you something?

Draukenrue: Yup yup :-)

PoeticaL: anything?

Draukenrue: Yes sure :-)

PoeticaL: can I tell you anything and its ok?

PoeticaL: just sat on the phone with ‘him’

PoeticaL: got upset and started to cry

Draukenrue: and?

PoeticaL: he put the phone down to make a business call

PoeticaL: left me there crying for 20 minutes

PoeticaL: while I listened to his phone call

PoeticaL: then came back and said "it's late say goodnight"

Draukenrue: what were you trying accomplish?

PoeticaL: me?

Draukenrue: yeah by talking to him

PoeticaL: well.....I started to cry cause he said "if it was me I'd never leave my kid for anything"

PoeticaL: same fucking thing I was talking to you about

PoeticaL: I just wanted to come tell you.....thank you for understanding where I"m coming from

PoeticaL: because if you weren't I would feel like a total fucking loser right now

PoeticaL: thank you for knowing what I'm thinking about.....understanding and not judging me

PoeticaL: thank you.... just thank you

Draukenrue: of course

PoeticaL: no I mean it

Draukenrue: i know my dear :-)

PoeticaL: something changed tonight

PoeticaL: something big

Draukenrue: what? talk to me :-)

PoeticaL: I care so much about him but it’s so obvious that he doesn't truly care about me

PoeticaL: that he doesn't understand where I'm coming from

PoeticaL: that he can't even begin to put himself in my shoes and "listen" to me

PoeticaL: you "listen" to me

PoeticaL: you're like one of the first people in so long to really "listen" to me

Draukenrue: Well its cause i care dear :-)

PoeticaL: well......I don't why you're doing it...but thank you for caring

Draukenrue: Well i do and you are stuck with it and me too :-)

PoeticaL: kewl

PoeticaL: by the way....I didn't call him

PoeticaL: he called me

PoeticaL: I didn't log onto paltalk cause I didn't want to talk to him

PoeticaL: the more I try to stay away....the more he gets ahold of me

PoeticaL: and yet.....i cry.....he puts the phone down

PoeticaL: god help me....but I already know that if I cryed all over you....you'd never do that to me

PoeticaL: I already sense something really awesome about you

PoeticaL: about the way we can talk

Draukenrue: well i enjoy you :-)

PoeticaL: ditto

PoeticaL: know what?

PoeticaL: he doesn't even have a kid...so how the fuck does he know what he would or wouldn't do?

PoeticaL: see...now you're doing it

PoeticaL: maybe everyone's the same

PoeticaL: maybe I need to go straighten out my life before anyone can be there for me

Draukenrue: NO! Sorry i was talking to Chablis

PoeticaL: *shrugs*

PoeticaL: its ok

Draukenrue: I was not ignoring you it was about our situation here

PoeticaL: its ok

PoeticaL: i'm just upset

Draukenrue: I am not like him or anyone else i am James and no one else honey

PoeticaL: you didn't upset me

Draukenrue: Well i dont want you making rash decisions and cutting me out of your life

Draukenrue: it would honestly break my heart :-(

PoeticaL: why?

Draukenrue: cause if you decide to stay there and just leave me behind and not consider something special between us and forget what could be, it would hurt :-(

PoeticaL: listen....I'm not upset with you

PoeticaL: I'm more upset that anyone can tell me they care about me but listen to me cry and put the phone down

PoeticaL: its just another slice in my belief that love exists

Draukenrue: meaning what dear?

Draukenrue: love exits where?

PoeticaL: just.....like I told you earlier.....the minute I admit someone matters to me they somehow make me sorry that they do

PoeticaL: that love exists anywhere

Draukenrue: Have i done that?

PoeticaL: no.....I'm sorry...its so not you

Draukenrue: You have given me enough chances to say it, BUT have i? mmmmm Nope :-)

PoeticaL: I'm really sorry

Draukenrue: Well fuck them and concentrate on me then :-)

PoeticaL: :-)not a bad idea

Draukenrue: never be sorry dear :-)

Draukenrue: I care about you and the rest can fuck off and die :-)

PoeticaL: sounds like a good idea

Draukenrue: Of coure it is :-) I thunk it up *winks*

PoeticaL: thanks for letting me vent

PoeticaL: its like I'm so destroyed right now

PoeticaL: the last year.....so full of bad things

PoeticaL: I'm so ready to smile again...laugh again...

Draukenrue: well i do remember you were doing that earlier :-)

PoeticaL: yes I was

PoeticaL: and you know what?

Draukenrue: and i wonder WHO you were talking to? *winks*

Draukenrue: what do i know?

PoeticaL: I came to you earlier on here

PoeticaL: remember?

PoeticaL: I came looking for you

PoeticaL: I didn't go to him

Draukenrue: and i loved it :-)

PoeticaL: I ignored him

PoeticaL: he said "I tried to call you and it was busy" and I said "yeah I was on the phone"

Draukenrue: hehe poor bastard :-)

PoeticaL: lol

PoeticaL: you got me laughin over here now

PoeticaL: I don't want you to feel like your in a competition

PoeticaL: i want you to understand that I've been so lost....just wanting someone to talk to...someone that could understand me

Draukenrue: Well i am the light at the end of your dark tunnel :-)

PoeticaL: you're very sweet

PoeticaL: and I like you

PoeticaL: but I gotta tell you

PoeticaL: I'm very scared

Draukenrue: Well i am not trying to make you scared :-)

PoeticaL: I know

PoeticaL: just think of everything I've told you.....tell me how do I trust anyone again?

Draukenrue: It takes time

1:45 a.m. ::
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