I don�t usually type out my entries right into diaryland but here I am doing it. Tonight I talked to two people. During the first conversation I told Draukenrue that I want to go and get my life straight. That I can�t possibly take care of �Bucky� by myself on what I make. That I wanted to believe in �him� and all of that�.I explained it all. He didn�t judge me. He listened to everything I had to say about a very difficult decision I feel that has to be made. I can�t take my child with me unless I can take care of him. But how the fuck do I leave him? And no one can help me�.. But Draukenrue heard me out�. Maybe everyone can hear you out one time�maybe �he� can�t hear me anymore because he�s tuned me out to protect himself. I don�t know�

A half hour after I hung up��he� called me. I tried to open up and talk to him about �Bucky� and the entire decision that I�m trying to make. At one point he said that he�d never leave his child if he were to have one. Then I started to cry�. He told me to hang on and he made another work related phone call on the regular phone while I sat there listening. Then he came back and said �Well it�s 1 a.m. say goodnight.� Just like I suspected that he would but I sat there like some kind of fucking fool waiting to see if I was right during his entire catheter related conversation. I�m either so far gone or just so fucking pathetic that he can do anything he wants. Then when I said, �I�m mad �I�m upset with you�I was crying�.and look what you did.� He simply said, �you�re always crying.� God help me, but I hope that this conversation erases my feelings or changes him or something�. I can�t �. There are no words�. And I haven�t cried about anything for about 4 months. Instead when he asks me how I am I say ok. He�s certainly not very worthy of my tears and so I have forced myself to stop crying tonight�. It�s late�.I need to go to bed.

When I said I was mad he said, �No one is telling you what to do�.or that you can�t do what you want�you�re an adult�make your own decisions.� That wasn�t the fucking problem�.if I was in the room crying would he say �hold that thought I need to go sell some fucking catheters!� Probably�. Sad..

And to think I put aside most everything for him�always. Those days are over. I�ve got to get him out of my heart. I�ve got to. Dreams are fucked and they never come true and I�m so tired of this roller coaster ride that I just want lightening to hit and electrocute my soul into a fizzle of smoke that illuminates the sky for one beautiful moment�and then silence. Just silence�.

1 a.m. is not the time to cry�. I shoulda hung up on him when he was on that phone call�.but no�.pathetic fuck that I am�I waited. Waited�for someone that doesn�t have the time for me.

-PoeticaL

One other thing�he said �Its not that bad where you are is it? Can you think of 25 other people that have it worse than you? Maybe you need to stay where you are.�

And then....

Draukenrue: you still there?

PoeticaL: yes

Auto response from Draukenrue: :-P Sucker

Draukenrue: hiya sweetie :-)

Draukenrue: how are you doing?

PoeticaL: ;-(

Draukenrue: whats wrong?

PoeticaL: heyyyyyyy there you are

PoeticaL: can I tell you something?

Draukenrue: Yup yup :-)

PoeticaL: anything?

Draukenrue: Yes sure :-)

PoeticaL: can I tell you anything and its ok?

PoeticaL: just sat on the phone with �him�

PoeticaL: got upset and started to cry

Draukenrue: and?

PoeticaL: he put the phone down to make a business call

PoeticaL: left me there crying for 20 minutes

PoeticaL: while I listened to his phone call

PoeticaL: then came back and said "it's late say goodnight"

Draukenrue: what were you trying accomplish?

PoeticaL: me?

Draukenrue: yeah by talking to him

PoeticaL: well.....I started to cry cause he said "if it was me I'd never leave my kid for anything"

PoeticaL: same fucking thing I was talking to you about

PoeticaL: I just wanted to come tell you.....thank you for understanding where I"m coming from

PoeticaL: because if you weren't I would feel like a total fucking loser right now

PoeticaL: thank you for knowing what I'm thinking about.....understanding and not judging me

PoeticaL: thank you.... just thank you

Draukenrue: of course

PoeticaL: no I mean it

Draukenrue: i know my dear :-)

PoeticaL: something changed tonight

PoeticaL: something big

Draukenrue: what? talk to me :-)

PoeticaL: I care so much about him but it�s so obvious that he doesn't truly care about me

PoeticaL: that he doesn't understand where I'm coming from

PoeticaL: that he can't even begin to put himself in my shoes and "listen" to me

PoeticaL: you "listen" to me

PoeticaL: you're like one of the first people in so long to really "listen" to me

Draukenrue: Well its cause i care dear :-)

PoeticaL: well......I don't why you're doing it...but thank you for caring

Draukenrue: Well i do and you are stuck with it and me too :-)

PoeticaL: kewl

PoeticaL: by the way....I didn't call him

PoeticaL: he called me

PoeticaL: I didn't log onto paltalk cause I didn't want to talk to him

PoeticaL: the more I try to stay away....the more he gets ahold of me

PoeticaL: and yet.....i cry.....he puts the phone down

PoeticaL: god help me....but I already know that if I cryed all over you....you'd never do that to me

PoeticaL: I already sense something really awesome about you

PoeticaL: about the way we can talk

Draukenrue: well i enjoy you :-)

PoeticaL: ditto

PoeticaL: know what?

PoeticaL: he doesn't even have a kid...so how the fuck does he know what he would or wouldn't do?

PoeticaL: see...now you're doing it

PoeticaL: maybe everyone's the same

PoeticaL: maybe I need to go straighten out my life before anyone can be there for me

Draukenrue: NO! Sorry i was talking to Chablis

PoeticaL: *shrugs*

PoeticaL: its ok

Draukenrue: I was not ignoring you it was about our situation here

PoeticaL: its ok

PoeticaL: i'm just upset

Draukenrue: I am not like him or anyone else i am James and no one else honey

PoeticaL: you didn't upset me

Draukenrue: Well i dont want you making rash decisions and cutting me out of your life

Draukenrue: it would honestly break my heart :-(

PoeticaL: why?

Draukenrue: cause if you decide to stay there and just leave me behind and not consider something special between us and forget what could be, it would hurt :-(

PoeticaL: listen....I'm not upset with you

PoeticaL: I'm more upset that anyone can tell me they care about me but listen to me cry and put the phone down

PoeticaL: its just another slice in my belief that love exists

Draukenrue: meaning what dear?

Draukenrue: love exits where?

PoeticaL: just.....like I told you earlier.....the minute I admit someone matters to me they somehow make me sorry that they do

PoeticaL: that love exists anywhere

Draukenrue: Have i done that?

PoeticaL: no.....I'm sorry...its so not you

Draukenrue: You have given me enough chances to say it, BUT have i? mmmmm Nope :-)

PoeticaL: I'm really sorry

Draukenrue: Well fuck them and concentrate on me then :-)

PoeticaL: :-)not a bad idea

Draukenrue: never be sorry dear :-)

Draukenrue: I care about you and the rest can fuck off and die :-)

PoeticaL: sounds like a good idea

Draukenrue: Of coure it is :-) I thunk it up *winks*

PoeticaL: thanks for letting me vent

PoeticaL: its like I'm so destroyed right now

PoeticaL: the last year.....so full of bad things

PoeticaL: I'm so ready to smile again...laugh again...

Draukenrue: well i do remember you were doing that earlier :-)

PoeticaL: yes I was

PoeticaL: and you know what?

Draukenrue: and i wonder WHO you were talking to? *winks*

Draukenrue: what do i know?

PoeticaL: I came to you earlier on here

PoeticaL: remember?

PoeticaL: I came looking for you

PoeticaL: I didn't go to him

Draukenrue: and i loved it :-)

PoeticaL: I ignored him

PoeticaL: he said "I tried to call you and it was busy" and I said "yeah I was on the phone"

Draukenrue: hehe poor bastard :-)

PoeticaL: lol

PoeticaL: you got me laughin over here now

PoeticaL: I don't want you to feel like your in a competition

PoeticaL: i want you to understand that I've been so lost....just wanting someone to talk to...someone that could understand me

Draukenrue: Well i am the light at the end of your dark tunnel :-)

PoeticaL: you're very sweet

PoeticaL: and I like you

PoeticaL: but I gotta tell you

PoeticaL: I'm very scared

Draukenrue: Well i am not trying to make you scared :-)

PoeticaL: I know

PoeticaL: just think of everything I've told you.....tell me how do I trust anyone again?

Draukenrue: It takes time