PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

tired of crying over the tearless

Tuesday, Jan. 29, 2002

I�m thoroughly convinced that all love ends�..and I don�t want to win this don�t talk about �him� bet because��.OMG just because. If you�re smart enough you can figure out why I don�t want a new layout done by asi9dood aka Ohmyachinhiney I liked the old one better dood!

And besides�.I need to vent�I need to talk to something about it. I have no one to talk to now. So I need to �.

I want someone that wants me more than his need for oxygen. I want someone that will give up something�not everything for me�just something. I want someone that loves me back tenfold for every emotion I have.

I want to have the strength to go out and get in my car and drive straight headlong into a tree or some concrete divider. I know I�ll go write some prolific words on a road at 4 a.m. with spray paint and then hit a cement wall right there�..a PoeticaL end. Like maybe �love dies here�� Only I�m too weak to ever do it. I just stand there looking at the wall crying like a fool. I can�t even do that right.

Even more than anything I want to be happy all alone. No one holding the strings to that happiness yo yo. I want to play with my own yo yo all by myself like a child with a new toy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know this major bout of angst and depression this ghost of an unperfect rhyme.
I know I�m having a very difficult time with everything. I�m losing my mind in slow time.
I want dandelions and daisies and cold lemonade
and all I have is Splenda and chicken and some mental mindless daze.
I�m wrapped up in moments that were too good to miss
and now I�m lost in feelings that I don�t want to feel just like this.
I�m a firefly without the flame that allows me to dip through the sky.
I�m a wish on a moment of a dream about something that just made me so high.
This love has been a mental ride that is so magnified by the twisted vision through a screen
Every reality becomes a fantastical journey of an imperfect moment that feels like a dream
I�ve held out my hands a thousand different ways always pulling them back in towards me
Looking deep into the journey of a David Bowieless maze
Fields in my palms spreading over the lost days like unconquered miles
Far and vast just to realize their still always empty, my embattled trials
I�ve danced on the glass only ever sketching tulips with my smile
I�ve cried rainbows in the glow and just held tight to everything if only for awhile�
So long I�ve been on this ferris wheel, caught got in the wind at the top
Lost myself on the carousel just hoping�.
always hoping this time the pretty music would never have to stop
I�ve loved like a lion in the jungles of so much lost time
I�ve wiped tears all over the pages of long forgotten rhymes
I�ve wanted you like purest of want that�s always wanting even itself
I�ve laid open my soul while you mangled me into becoming someone else
There�s so many things that feel like daggers swimming in my veins
Onions and bad hair days and even Jackson won�t sing away these pains
I�m a mountain that�s been trying to move over a rock filled stream
Lost so lost in what I did and what is it all supposed to ever fucking mean?
I love you and I hate you and I don�t know which one will win in the end
I just know I can�t anymore and I won�t let you keep torturing me
When we are a straight rigid line of lost words that just never find
Their way into becoming a melody that doesn�t have to keep losing
its magical moment of compromise that�s a beautiful bend.
You�re like that really long poem I keep writing on pages and pages
The alphabet fucking each of its letters never wanting to find anything
Remotely like �the end�.
Every love I�ve ever known has taken away its pieces of me.
And now I�m putting my hands in my chest and there�s just an echo of what used to be�.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What really sucks is I know �he� got up this morning and he exercised, and he ate his no carb omelet and he put his shoes on and he got in his truck and he�s sitting at work�just like every other day�just like I was �someone that never happened�. Just like I knew it would be. And I�m not the same, and I can�t pretend something good came from any of this. All it ever was �it was just a wish.

The only thing that can ever make it feel better is the very knife that cut you. And I have too many scars and no more pretty flesh left to wound.

-PoeticaL


He always was one giant fucking contradiction�.
10:25 a.m. ::
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