PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

to have and to...

Saturday, Feb. 15, 2003
Most of the time I don't think that anyone knows what love really is. I don't think that its about swapping partners for a new start when things get tough. Despite all his miserable qualities I would have done anything to make that marriage work. Why? Because...

"to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part."

Yeah read that ten times and tell me what you think love is! I said those words on May 1st, 1991. I meant those words. I tried to live by those words. But it takes two. I feel that anyone that can make those promises and then one day decide that living "status quo" is not enough, that they don't love you and need to go away... they didn't mean those words. They just mouthed them in front of God and family for the hell of it I suppose.

I never bail, yes I made mistakes, I had a difficult time living with rejection and lies and all of his infidelity. I was ripped apart by it all. It made me behave in ways I am not proud of, and no every problem we had was not his doing. I added to the pile of problems myself in my lame attempts to cope and deal with his bailing on me in such magnitude ways. I loved him, some part of me will always love him for creating a child with me, a child that's all blue eyes and smiles, a child that deserved a family, still deserves a mommy and daddy in the same house. I will never differ from my beliefs about what a marriage and family should be. I hung in there despite his cheating, his lies, his life altering illness and while I was never the best at dealing with my feelings of betrayal and pain, I never turned my back on him or walked out that front door with a pocket full of lies strewn around and a story about spending a year working out our issues. He didn't ever intend to get therapy or to do the things he promised in his dear john style letter. He never intended any of those things. He simply intended to go build a life with someone who is a 4 time cheater in her own previous marriage. He waited for her divorce to be final and he packed his alarm clock, clothes and little else and left his family two days after Christmas. A man that said to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part." He said those things, but he didn't live by those things. He walked down an isle, held my hand in a VA church on a Wednesday afternoon and then 12 years later he packed his last Christmas presents and he left.

My son uttered "you found a boyfriend fast mommy" a few weeks ago. To which I stated, "I have been trying to understand why your father decided what we had for ten years wasn't enough, I have been feeling rejected and full of pain for so long and so when I met Rick and he made me smile bigger than I have in a long time, when he wasn't full of lies and broken promises I knew that he was a good person and someone I wanted to have in my life, it feels fast for you because one day you had a family, but that family and that life wasn't one I walked away from, your father did. I can't make him love me or want to be faithful to me, I can only learn to accept his actions and find a way to rebuild a life that will make me happy. In time I hope that my happiness spills over into your life and you can see what it is to have a happy mommy who is smiling and joyful. Rick will never be your father, but he can be your friend if you want him to be. He can be like a big brother you never had, a source of good things. It doesn't mean I don't love your father, I always will. Afterall he only had to give me one thing for me to love him for a lifetime, and that one thing is you."

"To have and to hold..." I feel so strongly about those words that I wrote a song entitled that. The lines

"And when you�re alone in the night
A child with fears you cry
To have and to hold they say
And my love for you never grows away"

I hear those words and think of no one but my son... I can only pray that his fathers decisions to end a family won't scar him for life, but I know its too late for my prayers.

-PoeticaL
4:24 p.m. ::
prev :: next