trying to find my way....
Wednesday, Feb. 13, 2002
Emotionally you may be feeling quite good, yet you may get the sense that there is something gnawing on you in a destructive way. It could be that in your efforts to create a safe, nurturing space for yourself, you have limited your range of motion and sense of freedom. Gradually, you have been tying yourself down, making it difficult to get up and leave as you wish.
I hate when it�s so damn close it burns�.
~~~~~
Today I�m wearing my new earrings�hmm� I don�t know. It feels nice. It feels like�well the only thing is it�s just not the same as someone handing you a present with their own hands. I know I know�.I want too much. I�m never happy.
~~~~
I met someone new last night online. Marty. Marty plays the guitar like no one I�ve ever heard before. He gave me his email address and I kept getting my first attempt email back. I was wondering if he really wanted to keep in touch. Today I got an email from him. I like Marty. I have a good vibe about him. I have the notion in my mind that he�s going to be pretty influential in my life. Just a vibe I get. He wrote�.
Kris, It was a pleasure talking to you, and I apologize for my giving you my bad email address, hopefully though you will be able to see it from this email that I am sending you.
I would be interested in maintaining contact with you, true friends are hard to find.....and I could use one right now in my life.
let me know if you receive this,
Marty
~~~~~
Every now and then I send out a poem of mine via email to everyone on my email list. Mostly to sorta say hello and update my email list and see who still wants to know me�. I got this reply recently to my poem �Different Rain�. Pretty kewl when someone writes back �poetically�. Pretty kewl indeed.
Just when I thought I was safe once more
To log on my comp without fear
Of poetic debris washing up on my shore
(And bringing my feelings too near)
Just when I thought that my Email would bring
Nothing more than the usual spam,
My inbox convulses, and then starts to sing:
"Here she is, with her heart in her hand"
She whispers of life, she murmurs of love,
And all of those things I've no time to think of
So busy am I to do..what?..I cannot recall....
She smiles and she screams,
Laughs and cries, and it seems
Here and there she makes sense of it all ;)
~~~~
BraN called me last night!!!!! He�s buying his own flat in north London and he said, �Now you have someplace to stay if you ever wanna come make a phone call.� Teehee�.reference to my sex in a red telephone box fantasy� He never fails to make me smile when I need to smile. He admitted to being jealous of �him�. He admitted that if he was as close to me as �he� is then he would have jumped in his car by now. It�s so easy to say� But I am resolved to opening a �I�m going to London someday savings account.� Just think I spent almost $400 on books last month and if I saved $400 a month within a years time I would have $4,800. BraN told me something I won�t ever forget�.�GET A DAMNED LIBRARY CARD AND READ FOR FREE KRIS!!!!!� teehee..
I think the thing that makes me adore his friendship so much is the fact that I can talk so easily with him about everything and anything. I think it�s just his easygoing nature. I think guys are different in England. Different better!
~~~~
An excerpt from this book I�m reading an excerpt from in my booksamillion�s email program�([email protected])
Otis stirs now, his round, damp mouth moving, his hands as perfect as tiny stars you might wish upon. "Hey," Gary says, and bends and kisses his son. He can't kiss him enough. He gets drunk on the touch of him.
COMING BACK TO ME by Caroline Leavitt
Something about the line about a baby�s hands being as perfect as tiny stars you might wish upon�.this line is so beautiful. And this line made me think of a little baby that always stays in my thoughts somewhere.
Baby Owen.
Well I havent drawn it or figured out quite yet
But even if it takes my whole life
To get to where I need to be
And if I should fall to the bottom of the end
I'll be one step back to you
I'm trying to find my way
-Lifehouse
