what a day changes
Monday, Jan. 06, 2003
A long time ago I lost one family�I cannot bear to lose another�.
I was in essence writing a suicide note...
I�m not proud of it, but in light of the facts in my life I am also not ashamed of it. I have been through a lot of stuff in a short period of time, and I am now completely alone in a physical sense and I�m having an increasingly harder time functioning and wanting to keep on going in this electric thing we call life. I would much rather skip this excruciating pain I�m feeling right now.
That night I wrote that entry�.I logged onto yahoo and went into a local chat room. I don�t know why I did that cause I never do that. Ever. I usually go into NC rooms and harass �him� in there. But I didn�t do that.
I logged in and someone local pm�d me. We talked�. And something just happened. He told me his wife kicked him out�.wouldn�t be upfront�. It was a story I was living. He told me lots of things�things I could just relate to. He was living my life only with different names. I felt for him because I knew what he was feeling�.he sent me a picture and he was just a guy. A guy�just like I�m just a girl. And then I gave him my phone number because I just wanted to talk to him�not be just words because just words didn�t seem to be enough. Not enough to express to him that I understood where he was�I was there too.
We got on the phone�we exchanged nightmare stories. Cryptic events and emotions that only someone else who had been there could comprehend. I forgot about wanting to die because all I thought about was wanting this one person to know he wasn�t alone. That I understood beyond belief.
After 2 hours or so over the phone I knew he was local but not where, turns out he was around the corner, and for as fucked up as it may sound, I just wanted to hug him and tell him he wasn�t alone. Give him some piece of hope, some reason to smile, just maybe the knowledge that I was real and not full of shit and not trying to blow smoke up his ass about who I was and what I was living through. I just acted from some higher power pushing me forwards. And then he was around the corner and I was driving around my corner in my dirty clothes from the long drive to NC and then I was jumping out of my car and hugging someone I never saw or met before. I was wanting to fall apart and cry but I was wanting to smile and show someone else that it might all just be ok.
Because someone else needed me�.no�.its not that. Because someone else understood me�.maybe its that. Because of something I�ll never understand, I didn�t kill myself that night. I stopped thinking about me, myself and I and something changed long enough for me to just keep breathing.
Mike came back to my house�we sat on the couch�we never got a drink..never moved. We talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and 5 hours passed. And ever since�.Mike calls me every few hours �just to say � �are you ok?�
I don�t understand why this happened. I don�t even care to understand. I�m just glad that it did. Mike and I are not all involved�.I think he and I just found a friend in each other to make it through this hell with. Remember in Kramer vs. Kramer�.he found that girl that he just could talk to? The one he wasn�t banging�.. yeah�it feels like that.
mike: wow
kristy: what?
mike: the line...."time will be my friend"
kristy: what?
mike: in the poem
kristy: on my diary?
mike: yea
mike: right before i talked to you that night i thought i was going to have a fit
kristy: i wrote that after you and I talked....
mike: oh ok
mike: i thought it was before
kristy: no
kristy: this was before i talked to you
kristy: http://trulypoetic.diaryland.com/rip.html
kristy: i had a long list of peoples names and stuff i wanted to say to them at the end that i since deleted
kristy: but i was writing a suicide note
mike: im glad i could help you
kristy: we helped each other Mike
kristy: someone else had everything to do with that
mike: yes, believe me i was in a bad place right before i messaged you
mike: i think we saved each other
kristy: i'm not a bible carrying person...i don't have a fish on my car
...but i do believe god brought us together
mike: if you could have heard what the preacher said in my church today you would
have shit......it was like he was talking about me meeting you
kristy: what did he say?
mike: and he was like looking right at me...i sat in the front
mike: ok, something like....god sometimes puts us in a place that we do not understand at the time,
and even though it seems like he is not answering your prayers,
eventualy you see why
mike: its hard to remember it all
kristy: its ok...i think i know what you mean though
mike: i cant even really put the words down that he said but if you can elaborate on that
mike: i was like in a trans
kristy: the thing about it was that neither of us stopped
and said "hey this is crazy..we can't do this"
kristy: we just both were propelled
mike: yep
kristy: and then when I looked at my watch and it was already noon...i was flabbergasted
mike: me too
kristy: it just didn't feel like that many hours went by
mike: no it didnt it felt like a hour or so
kristy: i know
kristy: but the thing is.... I was laying in bed with my pajamma's on....
kristy: and i just got up and pulled clothes on...
the same dirty clothes I wore to take my son to NC....
kristy: I didn't even comb my hair
kristy: i just went
kristy: like it was some sort of emergency or something
mike: i went out the door and i realized i had not put on my pants....lol
kristy: haaaa really?
mike: i just was going to go in my boxers
kristy: lol
mike: lol
mike: it seemed like an emergency
kristy: that was just a feeling i can't even begin to describe
kristy: i tried....i tried over the phone
kristy: but i just couldn't
kristy: i think i knew.....i knew that you saved me and i just wanted to hug you
mike: :-)
mike: i felt something i couldnt describe
kristy: i didn't have this plan...like it wasn't like i said
I'm going to take all these pills...or i'm going to do this or that...
i just wanted to die that night so bad
mike: well im glad you didnt you deserve to live life to its fullest
mike: and i believe someday you will
kristy: i hope so
kristy: i hope that same thing for you too Mike
kristy: i wish I had that chat saved
kristy: i didn't save it
mike: me either
kristy: i don't even remember what anyone said
mike: me either
mike: but it was important
kristy: for being so important no one saved it or remembers it...lol
mike: lol
mike: god waches over the true at heart i think
kristy: i believe that now
mike: :-)
kristy: it's just hard not to believe that after what happened
kristy: i mean in some ways it was crazy
kristy: i only thought for 3 seconds..hey this is nutso
..i dont know this guy....
i'm taking him to my house...
mike: well i am harmless
mike: lol
kristy: well I didn't know that
kristy: ya know
mike: yea i know
kristy: were you nervous?
mike: a little but i felt a calmness also
kristy: yeah that's how I was
kristy: like logic said this is crazy..what are you doing
...but something else just propelled me and gave me peace
mike: but i was hurting so much that i didnt think anyone
could cause me anymore pain
kristy: yes I know that feeling
kristy: i was there too
mike: before i talked to you i was like pacing all over
mike: like that thought was a pulsating tumor im my head
kristy: oh man...i was doing that same thing...
kristy: i told him i wanted to die
kristy: and he just left me
kristy: and then i was full of so much pain and just so many tears
mike: he is truly the devil
mike: sorry
kristy: i was walking back and forth and i never log into local rooms...never...
kristy: i know why you say that and feel that
kristy: because i'd like to go find her and beat her to a pulp
mike: lol
mike: the sick thing is i still love her
kristy: i know that feeling
mike: just today i told her
kristy: me too... i told him...
kristy: my words.. "I'm not angry about what you did
....anymore...i'm just angry that I can't
get it all back....I just love you"
mike: i said, " Iwould do anything to get you back,
I love you and the girls so much"
mike: she should be saying that to me
kristy: i know mike
kristy: man i wish i could wave some magic wand and fix the world
mike: me too
mike: do you like ham and bean soup
kristy: sure
mike: i made some
kristy: really?
mike: yea
mike: i had a ham bone so i made some
kristy: a boy that can cook
kristy: nice
mike: let me tell you i can cook
kristy: :-)
mike: :-)
kristy: now you're making me hungry
mike: lol
mike: its not the best because there wasnt much meat left on the ham mike: but its ok
kristy: probably better than i can do
mike: i like cooking its kind of a hobby
kristy: kewl
mike: me either
kristy: now i'm hungry lol
mike: well i guess im gonna have to bring some bean soup to ya
kristy: you would do that?
mike: if your really hungry
kristy: man that's friggin kewl
mike: lol
mike: give me a minute ok
kristy: sure
mike: ill be back in a sec
kristy: ok mike
mike: ok i put it in a plastic container and cleaned out the pot
kristy: awwww
kristy: what a guy
kristy: hey mike
mike: yea
kristy: thanks
mike: your welcome
kristy::-)
mike: :-)
Less than 48 hours ago I wanted to die, and now�.mike�s bringing me some dinner at midnight�
