PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

whats really been going on....

Wednesday, Jan. 01, 2003
*note* I quit writing my book and found a scapegoat for the excuse I gave myself. I wanted to stop doing this, this diary for which I kept for my own personal reasons, because of �his� inability to understand why anyone would do this and the self doubts that caused. I have bent things I wanted into being insignificant because they seemed bigger than what I could take on. It is a new year with a new beginning and I am not going to let anyone get in my way or dictate to me how I feel about my life and who I am. This diary wasn�t for anyone�s entertainment or acceptance of who I was. I am ME. Sometimes I am all fucked up; sometimes I am sadder than any one person should be. But I am a beautiful person looking for answers and writing my way through the roughest patches of my life. I started this out of sheer boredom one day, and a desire to just write it all down so I could catch patterns in my behavior and find out the who of who I really am. I don�t know that you wake up on a Tuesday morning randomly and say �by golly I figured it all out and don�t need to search for myself anymore now�. And that Tuesday hasn�t come for me yet and I am not going to wait around just for that one day to come, every day in-between must be a journey worth taking as well. I am not perfect and I am not without fault. I am full of self-doubt at moments, but I have a vision for a bright future. I have made bad choices, perhaps because I have a heart and never wanted to hurt those around me just for the mere opportunity to better myself or to win in the pursuit of my own happiness.

I have passed up lots of chances to grab better things because I didn�t think I was �good enough� or �worthy enough� of something more. Those bad misses in the baseball game of life have to be eliminated I know. I love my husband for giving me a child that has been the driving force for my own desire to be more as a person, happier as a woman and fulfilled as a human being. I love �him� for being the best friend I have ever had, despite his misgivings about the choices I have made in error. I love BraN for being that one shining light in the dark, that smile when I did not have one of my own. I love �Bry� for accepting me just as I am and for allowing me to express my fears and myself without judgment at the worst moments of my life. I love my dogs for loving me no matter how many tears were pouring forth, for wagging their tails at me even when I wanted nothing to do with them. I have learned so much and grown so much and don�t intend to take an outlet away from myself that has given me so much in return. If you�re a person that doesn�t understand, so be it. Don�t read my words. If you care about me, let me be the person that I am, loose threads in my seams and all.

My husband and I have been on a destructive path, and right now the path has changed, he is sticking up for himself and so am I. We are both struggling, but we have not completely abandoned each other or our son. We are seeking answers and a happier future, regardless of how that is going to happen, or what that future is. We are no longer under the same roof, but we are still in close contact and still looking out for each other. This side of our relationship is largely intact because we have faced life together and on our own for 11 years without family, or outside support. We will probably always have that aspect of our relationship. If he were to read this I can only say this. I love you, I know you are not perfect, and neither am I, I want everyone to be happy somehow, I want to see you happy, our son happy, and myself happy. We have been through a lot together and I believe we will overcome this too, enough to go on with life. I will not abandon you during the roughest time of your life, because I know you would not and have not done that to me.

My son is going to PA, meeting grandparents midway in NC on Friday�.we need a chance to collect our thoughts and plans without his being affected so greatly. He�s happy to be seeing his grandparents and they are happy to see him and have him. It is a two week �family health emergency� as far as school is concerned and he will have his homework faxed to him for these two weeks.

I doubt too many people are still reading but I had this conversation with my friend Sandy and was able to express my truest feelings at the moment and the conversation is as follows. I meant what I said Sandy, I love you.

~~~~

Kwisty2k: can you say "life is freaky!"?

Dreamzzzz101: Life IS Freaky

Kwisty2k: clap clap clap

Dreamzzzz101: lol

Kwisty2k: you can! Good girl!

Dreamzzzz101: what are you up do

Dreamzzzz101: to

Kwisty2k: husband was just here

Kwisty2k: he wants to work things out but he wants us to do so from different addresses

Kwisty2k: i brought up the opportunity to go to NC

Kwisty2k: he said "if you decide that's what you want to do I'll help you move"

Kwisty2k: "if you want to stay here and get a different apartment, i'll help you get that worked out"

Dreamzzzz101: but if you go there, do you think you can work things out being that far apart....and do YOU want to work things out?

Kwisty2k: strange....

Kwisty2k: i don't know what i want

Kwisty2k: but I do know that I wanted him to come back..he says no...not for a long long time

Kwisty2k: having found that out..i have to face life alone at least for awhile....and have to make decisions based on that

Kwisty2k: i explained the whole nc job opportunity

Kwisty2k: he said "I would understand if you wanted to go somewhere were you were going to make that kind of money, but I would also hope that you wouldn't decide to put that much space between �bucky� and both of his parents

Dreamzzzz101: so in other words, he really doesn't want you to go

Kwisty2k: bingo

Kwisty2k: but he can't stop me either now can he?

Kwisty2k: and i think he's realizing that i'm not the weak and feeble person he thought

Kwisty2k: that I have changed

Dreamzzzz101: nope, your right, he can't stop you

Kwisty2k: right

Kwisty2k: i told him "you left me....you don't want to come back....i have to go with that...that's all I have to go on"

Kwisty2k: we'll see cause friday he's taking �bucky� to NC...i'm going to work....don't think i'm going along....not sure yet"

Kwisty2k: once �bucky� is gone...we'll see how much husband comes around to see me

Kwisty2k: he comes now...but �bucky� is here.....

Dreamzzzz101: awww, it might be good for you to go along

Dreamzzzz101: so you guys can really talk

Kwisty2k: i know...he seems to be discouraging me... i said "but can you stand to physically drive that long?"

Kwisty2k: he said he thinks he can...we shall see...

Dreamzzzz101: ahh ok

Kwisty2k: but ya know what...

Kwisty2k: they turned the phone off....right?

Kwisty2k: about two weeks ago

Kwisty2k: we've been working off of cell phones

Kwisty2k: today he says "i called and i'm putting local service in so �bucky� can call you from PA...that'll be on on tuesday or wednesday of next week"

Dreamzzzz101: that's good

Kwisty2k: so he hasn't so much just split and abandoned the situation

Kwisty2k: and get this

Kwisty2k: he said if i moved to NC that maybe we could communicate online and work our relationship out

Kwisty2k: i told him "no..if i go there...i will start over and though we will be in contact because we have a child, i will not go there and get my life straight just to turn around and be at your mercy again"

Dreamzzzz101: sounds like he really does want things to work out

Dreamzzzz101: what did he say when you told him that

Kwisty2k: yes but he can't dictate to me what I will do or where i will do it

Kwisty2k: he said, 'well then i'll have to accept that then'

Dreamzzzz101: nope, he sure can't

Kwisty2k: but strangely enough...when he leaves here..he hugs me....he kisses the top of my head...tells me when he'll call or come back..

Kwisty2k: thats more consideration than i have gotten in years

Dreamzzzz101: that's a good thing

Dreamzzzz101: have you talked to �him�

Kwisty2k: annnnnd today he tells me that he's sleeping on an air mattress on this guys living room floor

Kwisty2k: i talked to �him� last night on the phone

Kwisty2k: called to wish a happy new year

Kwisty2k: I think we came to the joint decision that i can't stop him from reading my diary if its public and thats not his fault...and I think that from this point on we are NOT going to discuss my marital shit

Kwisty2k: when we do..we fight

Kwisty2k: we do not see eye to eye

Kwisty2k: no one can understand 11 yrs of a marriage but husband and I

Dreamzzzz101: that's true

Kwisty2k: and last night i was so sad

Kwisty2k: sitting there all alone nearing midnight

Kwisty2k: and guess what

Kwisty2k: BraN called meeeeeeeeee

Dreamzzzz101: yah for BraN

Kwisty2k: and all smiley and typical cheery he says "i know this all sucks...but guess what....i love you and so you are never alone Kristy"

Dreamzzzz101: awwwww how sweet

Kwisty2k: i swear that boy is like my guardian angel

Dreamzzzz101: we all need one of those

Kwisty2k: and he says "its a new year, new beginning, why not write a "that bastard sucks" book and put forth energy into being creative and getting it all out?"

Kwisty2k: i got invited to go out on a boat for the weekend

Kwisty2k: if i can't go to NC to take �bucky� then I might be going out on the boat

Kwisty2k: take my journal and say fuck it all for two days

Dreamzzzz101: good for you

Kwisty2k: sit on a boat and get some sun and drink some wine coolers

Kwisty2k: why sit in the house crying?

Dreamzzzz101: you should

Dreamzzzz101: go out that is

Kwisty2k: thing of it is

Dreamzzzz101: you should not sit in the house crying

Kwisty2k: even after �him� and I had that altercation

Dreamzzzz101: that IS not what you need

Kwisty2k: he tells me last night "just hang in there for 2 or 3 more months and you can move here...just 2 or 3 months and then everything's going to be ok"

Dreamzzzz101: i don't understand him

Kwisty2k: i don't either

Kwisty2k: i don't care to try

Kwisty2k: i see him only as a future boss

Kwisty2k: any personal feelings I had are gone

Dreamzzzz101: would take too much energy to try

Dreamzzzz101: good

Kwisty2k: i think everything happens for a reason

Kwisty2k: i'm not mad at him, nor do I think he's a bad person...just he and I are so different and i don't see anything more there than a pretty decent friendship

Kwisty2k: in the last few days I have opened my mouth and spoke from my gut and i don't care who likes it or what they feel about it or what they WANT me to do...this is my fucking life and I'll do what I damn well please

Dreamzzzz101: as you should Kristy

Kwisty2k: yeah i know this

Kwisty2k: and you.....I count myself lucky to have your friendship because ...it has helped immensely

Kwisty2k: someday i'm taking you out for coffee and we'll laugh about all of this shit

Dreamzzzz101: i'm glad i can help

Dreamzzzz101: i'm counting on that!

Kwisty2k: good

Kwisty2k: i know this much

Kwisty2k: the minute he left...boys came crawling out of the woodwork

Kwisty2k: wanting to go out

Kwisty2k: and I told him that fact last night

Kwisty2k: he said, "i can't tell you what to do or not to do....i can only hope that we can work things out with time....lots of time...i want to take you out on dates and find that thing we had when we started"

Dreamzzzz101: awwwww

Kwisty2k: thats all a lovely sentiment, but reality tells me that he's being gone for lots of time......and other people showing me attention...how long before i say ''''hmmm fuck this marital stuff...its way more work than it is rewarding"

Kwisty2k: i can't read the future, I can't worry about the future...i can only accept today and worry about today

Dreamzzzz101: your right

Dreamzzzz101: one day at a time Kristy, one at a time

Kwisty2k: the sun is shining, i'm listening to the dixie chicks, my son is chattering outside to gabby and i have a hot cup of coffee and my dog is at my feet....life could be so much more fucked up right now

Kwisty2k: he came over here to check out his car before he drives to NC with �bucky�..... and I noticed he popped the hood of my car and checked all the fluids and stuff...

Kwisty2k: it could be far worse

Dreamzzzz101: yes, that's true

Kwisty2k: I have a job...I remembered I have a $20 christmas check from work, �bucky� is leaving...i've lost 12 lbs in 4 days.....

Kwisty2k: my mother in law finally admitted that I've had my share of bullshit thrust upon me

Kwisty2k: and I have a shrink appointment in Feb...something I've put off forever

Kwisty2k: ohhhhh annnnnd I can walk without pain

Kwisty2k: i could be far worse off

Dreamzzzz101: i keep telling that stuff to myself

Kwisty2k: now...tell me.... how is you?

Dreamzzzz101: it can always be worse

Kwisty2k: how's the kids?

Dreamzzzz101: she is doing okay

Kwisty2k: just ok?

Dreamzzzz101: i have been off from work for almost 2 whole weeks

Kwisty2k: yeah i know

Kwisty2k: well see that's another thing......i'm grateful for

Dreamzzzz101: i haven't felt the greatest, but feeling better

Kwisty2k: i have been off

Kwisty2k: if i had to go to work a few days ago I wouldn't have

Kwisty2k: not good...

Dreamzzzz101: kids are doing good right now, neither are sick

Dreamzzzz101: yeah, it's good that you were off

Kwisty2k: and �bucky�'s going up to PA so i think i'm going to look for a part time job...get out and make some extra money and get away from here

Kwisty2k: if I'm busy..it will help

Kwisty2k: plus i think that husband has to realize that he can't dump �bucky� on me and think i'm going to just do it all

Dreamzzzz101: you can't do it all

Kwisty2k: right

Kwisty2k: thing is....

Kwisty2k: i wasn't happy last month

Kwisty2k: or the one before that

Kwisty2k: and while this is a jolt and its all scary and overwhelming... perhaps it is the turning point and I can move on and be happy

Dreamzzzz101: i sure hope you can

Dreamzzzz101: you deserve to be happy

Kwisty2k: we all do

Kwisty2k: we all do

Dreamzzzz101: yes we do

Kwisty2k: i have to find those things in my day that are still beautiful and reach for them.....

Kwisty2k: the sun....music.....life ....it all goeso n

Dreamzzzz101: i have to do that more myself

Kwisty2k: its not easy

Kwisty2k: trust me I see-saw between dispair and this feeling i'm in at the moment

Dreamzzzz101: nope it isn't

Kwisty2k: where it all feels possible

Kwisty2k: maybe i should count myself lucky that he loves his son and cares enough for me to come and make sure I have a pulse

Kwisty2k: it could be so much more bleak

Kwisty2k: he coulda jumped a jet plane and say "fuck all"

Dreamzzzz101: true

Dreamzzzz101: but he didn't

Kwisty2k: i think no matter what there is a bond there...its all wiggly and unclear and sometimes feels like a tightrope but it is there despite it all

Dreamzzzz101: it will always be there

Kwisty2k: and ya know what? I never truly set out to plaster my life all over the Internet....or have strangers read about it....but I found a piece of myself from the experience....and I don't care if other's don't understand and if someone reads my diary and it gives them hope, or something to think about..i hope they think about what love means and what sorrow means..... sorrow is the shadowy part of happiness and without it there is no reason to smile..if everything was happy and good we'd never appreciate it

Kwisty2k: it would never be as bright, as wonderful....as beautiful ...if not for the moments of dispair and tears

Dreamzzzz101: you are so right

Dreamzzzz101: i get alot ffrom reading what you write

Kwisty2k: i know that right now I am wading in tears...but I also know that I will find the shore again and I will stand in the sun and grin from ear to ear and think "damn...i made it"

Dreamzzzz101: and you WILL make it

Kwisty2k: i know this....i know this even when I am wringing my hands together...i know that I will get there

Dreamzzzz101: you will, i know you will......

Dreamzzzz101: and I'm glad YOU know it too

Kwisty2k: if I didn't ...I'd pop a few bad pills and let myself drown....but i'm floating....doggy paddling....grasping for another breath because I want that shore

Kwisty2k: i think he left and expected me to curl up in a ball and in some aspects I want to...but I also stood firm and said 'NO you cannot dictate to me WHO I AM"

Kwisty2k: don't you think you've had enough of being unfulfilled?

Kwisty2k: enough of being empty and vacant inside?

Dreamzzzz101: me?

Kwisty2k: well I asked myself that when i got his note

Kwisty2k: i was angry and then i thought...nope....i've had enough too

Dreamzzzz101: i' m in the same boat

Dreamzzzz101: you have had enough

Dreamzzzz101: and i'm glad you are standing up for you

Kwisty2k: if I didnt have the strength to walk...thank god he did

Kwisty2k: because he said something to me yesterday that just said it all "another year of this ride and we'd be a car wreck no one could salvage anything from"

Dreamzzzz101: he is so right

Kwisty2k: so if nothing else.....i think maybe he'll be my friend...something rather than the nothing its felt like for so long

Dreamzzzz101: and something is most definately better than nothing

Kwisty2k: maybe i'm too damn idealistic....want to see something good even though I'm terrified and have no answers...i want to believe there's something beautiful even when i just watched a train crash

Kwisty2k: maybe the tracks are forming a heart shape.....even if they're covered in blood...i see something grand and wonderful because i just am that way

Dreamzzzz101: finding hte good in the bad is a good trait.....

Kwisty2k: i don't know ....

Dreamzzzz101: i'm glad you are that way

Kwisty2k: i know that most of the night i want someone to just touch me so I remember that I am real

Kwisty2k: but when the morning comes and I stand up and take that first breath I think "wow i made it again"

Kwisty2k: don't ask me how i did it...time is a funny thing...it runs far ahead of you and you have no choice but to go along

Dreamzzzz101: that's true

Kwisty2k: so tomorrow i'll get up.....take my son to daycare.....go to work.....and wonder about all the things that are yet to come....

Kwisty2k: but they will come either way

Dreamzzzz101: just try to smile and think positive

Kwisty2k: i am grateful that his parents decided to do the best thing for �bucky� right now

Kwisty2k: and �bucky� is excited about going up there to play in the snow...and that's far better than writing me letters all day telling me that he loves me

Kwisty2k: today husband came over here and sat down and played monopoly with �bucky�

Kwisty2k: i walked around cleaning this house....washing shirts that have sat needing hand washed

Dreamzzzz101: good, �bucky� needed that

Kwisty2k: doing shit i haven't done

Kwisty2k: and for ten minutes life went on

Dreamzzzz101: it always does

Kwisty2k: maybe i've had so much shit happen that i've learned to grab those moments that things feel good and string them up like christmas lights or something that i could look at and say "hmmm its beautiful even when its sad"

Dreamzzzz101: i wish I could do that

Kwisty2k: its a choice

Kwisty2k: thats all

Dreamzzzz101: true

Dreamzzzz101: guess i need to start making better choices

Kwisty2k: easier said than done...believe me I know

Dreamzzzz101: i know you know

Kwisty2k: i don't have the answers....believe me

Kwisty2k: i'm just looking at tomorrow like its a white sheet of paper and I have the pen

Dreamzzzz101: and you do have the pen

Dreamzzzz101: you can write your own story

Dreamzzzz101: and you will

Kwisty2k: i can certainly decide at least half of it

Kwisty2k: i want you to know something.... i love you

Kwisty2k: i know that's a goofy thing for one woman to say to another...but i do

Dreamzzzz101: Kristy

Kwisty2k: yes?

Dreamzzzz101: that's not a goofy thing to say at all

Kwisty2k: i've just learned to express myself and tell the people in my life that matter that they DO matter

Dreamzzzz101: you matter to me too Kristy

Dreamzzzz101: friends are hard to come by

Dreamzzzz101: real ones

Kwisty2k: i know this

Dreamzzzz101: and your a real one

Dreamzzzz101: and i love you too

Kwisty2k: thank you

Dreamzzzz101: thank you

Kwisty2k: awwwww group hug

Kwisty2k: teeheee

Dreamzzzz101: hehehe

Dreamzzzz101: HUGSSSS

Kwisty2k: i have learned something this week....you'll never get what you want if you don't ask for it, scream for it..demand it or fight for it

Kwisty2k: i said "I cannot cope with all of this and it will not be dumped on me like this" and things changed

Dreamzzzz101: good

Kwisty2k: I said, "I don't have to stay here and put up with this shit" and it changed

Kwisty2k: I said, "you cannot tell me how its going to be" and then he couldn't

Kwisty2k: yes I did it cause i got pushed into a corner...but I still got it

Dreamzzzz101: **shakes head** you are so right, i need to follow your lead

Kwisty2k: awww trust me....you might not want to follow me...I dont' know where the hell I'm going

Dreamzzzz101: hahahhah

Dreamzzzz101: your going forward

Kwisty2k: yeah i guess I am

Dreamzzzz101: that sure beats going backwards

Dreamzzzz101: or not moving at all

Kwisty2k: change is scary

Kwisty2k: trust me I'm terrified

Dreamzzzz101: i know you are

Dreamzzzz101: but, your still dealing with it

Kwisty2k: because I have good reasons to

Kwisty2k: things i want to do with my life

Kwisty2k: i'm not giving up

Dreamzzzz101: i'm proud of you for NOT giving up

Kwisty2k: besides I have to go stand in a red telephone box with braN someday

Kwisty2k: I have to finish my book

Kwisty2k: i have to compile my poetry into some project

Kwisty2k: i have to master html

Dreamzzzz101: yes you do

Kwisty2k: i have to write a song with �him�

Kwisty2k: even though he doesn't know that yet lol

Kwisty2k: i have to put my snoopy suitcase in a happy place

Dreamzzzz101: smiles

Kwisty2k: i have to buy a pooh bear to go with my tiger on my monitor

Kwisty2k: i have to learn how to make that stupid frappacino like Starbucks does

Kwisty2k: i have things to do still

Kwisty2k: i have to buy you a cup of coffee

Dreamzzzz101: you have a long list

Dreamzzzz101: and yes you do

Dreamzzzz101: lol

Kwisty2k: life goes on...i hope it goes on to find more happiness than i've had the last few years

Dreamzzzz101: it will

Kwisty2k: i hope this year is happier for you too

Dreamzzzz101: it will be :-)

Kwisty2k: (((((((sandy)))))))))

Kwisty2k: chin up girlie girl

Dreamzzzz101: {{{{{{{{{Kristy}}}}}}}}}}

Dreamzzzz101: it's up

Dreamzzzz101: it's up

Dreamzzzz101: smiles

Kwisty2k: you have two great kids....a good job....and a will for something better

Kwisty2k: more than some people have

Kwisty2k: and besides I believe in you

Dreamzzzz101: awwww thank you

Dreamzzzz101: i brlieve in you too

Dreamzzzz101: believe

Dreamzzzz101: lol

Dreamzzzz101: hard to type with a kid on your lap wiggling around

Dreamzzzz101: lol

Kwisty2k: teeheee

Kwisty2k: give him a big hug

Kwisty2k: cause I can't

Dreamzzzz101: i am

Dreamzzzz101: smiles

Kwisty2k: today..... find something...one moment...that makes you feel good

Kwisty2k: string your moments together and hang from that kite string when the breeze gets too hard

Dreamzzzz101: hey, i'm had a few moments that have made me feel good today

Dreamzzzz101: i love hte way you put things into words

Kwisty2k: *shrugs*

Kwisty2k: I don't know how I do that..i just talk

Dreamzzzz101: well i do

Kwisty2k: you do?

Dreamzzzz101: love the way you string them together

Dreamzzzz101: lol

Dreamzzzz101: that's was supposed to go after your shrug

Kwisty2k: thanks....lol

Dreamzzzz101: your welcomre

Dreamzzzz101: welcome

Kwisty2k: awww just let your son type..he might do better...LMFAO

Dreamzzzz101: lol

Dreamzzzz101: your right

Kwisty2k: i think i'm going to put this chat in my diary...i want to remember it.....

Dreamzzzz101: i'm typing with one hand at the moment

Kwisty2k: do you want me to call you "suzy the magnificent" and keep your identity a secret?

Dreamzzzz101: lol

Kwisty2k: lol

Dreamzzzz101: no, you don't have to do that

Kwisty2k: i know some people think there's not much to words passed back and forth...but I know different and i'm glad we had this chat

Dreamzzzz101: so am i :-)

Kwisty2k: i'm gonna go for now....

Kwisty2k: try to have a good day

Dreamzzzz101: i will

Kwisty2k: yeahhhhhhhhh

Dreamzzzz101: you have a good one too

Kwisty2k: so far i am

Dreamzzzz101: good, so am i

Dreamzzzz101: hugssssssssss

Dreamzzzz101: keep smiling

Kwisty2k: diaryland rules....all those words connecting people together

Dreamzzzz101: i agree totally

Kwisty2k: seeya!

Kwisty2k: bye bye to the little guy too

Dreamzzzz101: byeeeeee

Dreamzzzz101: lol, i'll tell him

5:20 p.m. ::
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