cluttering the net since 2001

Dear Mad..

Wednesday, Jul. 31, 2002
excerpt from mad’s diary… On a semi serious side. Poetical your life is messed up not you! You are a wonderful beautiful person. Also one of the most articulate person I have met in a long time. Its not your lucky to have someone in your life they should thank thier lucky stars that you would look thier direction. To have read your words, heard your voice I am changed. T is quite the lucky guy and I hope he is everything and more. I am sure he is better then me cause it doesn't take much... –Mad


There is something I must say to you. Be it right or wrong of me. I am messed up because of the massive amounts of deceit that husband caused in my life, the pain from all of my recent experiences. Most of which I don't even speak about here. It all threw me. I used to be this rather naïve and sweet little girl. You know this. If you go back and look at the poetry I wrote at the time that we met up and the fluffy poems about light and airy topics….then you know this. And I know you do.

And then he did everything that he did. Then I just relied on anything and anyone that would listen to me rant and rave with all of my anger and disbelief at how quickly my life could spin out of control. I relied far too heavily on someone for almost 3 years to listen to me every night about all the things that were wrong with my life.

I relied on every petal, every stem, every minute of everything that was good rather than raging pain. I relied on you then and I know I am not that same ripped up girl. But I do have scars. I am not like all those other girls all over the place.

Do I honestly hold out any hope of things going anywhere with “t”. Yes I do because I’m a stupid girl like that. I truly believe that someone out there might care about a stupid girl like me. And I believe foolishly and with all my heart. I put my heart on my sleeve and I admit to every fault that I have. I list them out like a long laundry list. They say it doesn’t matter. But in the end it always does. I don’t want an escape. I want to not be so damned alone in this world. I know you understand me like no other, and I know why. And I am grateful that God thought that we should have each other’s friendship to help us along.

I have lied. I have done a lot of stupid things. I have relied on the wrong people. I have allowed people to use me and lie to me and laugh in my face all the while feeling that that’s all that I deserved. I believed in Tim. Tim wanted to come and see me. I believed in him. Again, I was wrong to do this. I was wrong to believe in him, he was wrong to do what he did.

“A sad girl…is a big huge target for a bad boy.”

You and I both know that no one will ever be more to me than you, never enough that I would ever turn my back on you. No one will quickly step into my life and just step in front of you. You will always always be my best friend. I love you for being that one person that thinks I’m amazing even when even I know different. When the rest of the world kicks me in the face, laughs at my pain and gets off on it all…you are there for me. You come to me with smiles and encouragement and without that I wouldn’t be alive right now.

The fact is I am a mess. And you care for me regardless. You are the only one that does. And not only do you do this for me, but you let me be myself. All out there in public. You let me be what I am, all of it. The good, the bad, the ugliness, all of me, the struggle, the loss. You let me admit to the world what you mean to me. You don’t try to change me or “fix” me.

I take an emotional beating for trying to find love and for trying to find the things in my life that I have been living without for so very long. You are the only one that keeps me sane.

You know…and I know…in a different world…. I know it’s hard for you to see…it’s hard for me too. It’s hard to draw the rhyme in the sand and not cross it. Love never knows how to stay behind the lines. But to read your diary and see this…

I am sure he is better then me cause it doesn't take much...

breaks my heart. I’d walk away from the entire world to not see you ever feel less than. Because in my heart you are bigger than life. I have made a million mistakes in the past year. The only thing that was never a mistake was you. Please….please don’t feel badly. Please understand that I would if I could…I have and I always will…

I say this here because you are someone I have nothing to hide about. You know every truth, every twisted lie. Every mistake. Everything. And you still are….right there.

I hold out hope for that fairytale because you taught me that I was special, that I was worthy of being a Princess. I will never in a forever amount of time be able to express to you what you have meant to me. Not ever. And the first time that “t” called me Princess…the very first time…tears sprang to my eyes because you were the person that made me finally believe that I am worthy of so much more in my life. You taught me that I could hold my head high and just be myself and have that be enough. You’ve always always done that for me, and I love you for that. A million lifetimes could never send you all of the happiness that you deserve, but I will always pray for it to happen.

There will never be another like you...because you are irreplaceable

9:27 p.m. ::
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