as is - no warranty (and a poem)
Tuesday, Feb. 26, 2002
I haven�t turned in my lease application yet. I need to do that soon. I think they close before I get out of work and so that makes it difficult.
I went today to look at that Ford Probe after work and I filled out that application, but husband made the mistake of telling Mr Car Dealer Salesmen that I will be moving soon but don�t have the address yet. Doh! This is a buy here pay here place and those words were the kiss of death. �Moving�don�t have an address yet� grrrrrrrr Why not just fuck my chances of getting this car right up the ass with no lube?
I freaked. I totally lost it. Screaming and yelling and waving a hammer telling him (after we got home of course) that I was going to mash and destroy his perfect �pussy mobile� But I never did it. Bucky started crying in the middle of the entire mess and then I was crying and holding him and it was nasty ugly and it was horrific and I can�t even believe I am writing about it here on my diary�. And if you want to comment and tell me how fucked up it is that I lost it in front of my kid...you might also want to mention how fucked up it is that I was being pushed all over the driveway in front of my kid.
Then an hour later after this whole hammer wielding tangent I took ( I think I need some fucking prozac for sure) we all went out to dinner. The waitress was slow and sucked ass and I was just so full of anger and stuff. I went and got the manager and told him how we sat waiting for 25 minutes for her to bring us our drinks�..and then she brought the wrong order of food. I was just angry and miserable�.
My marriage is so strange. We flip out and call each other names then sit in a restaurant like a normal nicey nice family.....and all is well. Well...except for....what lurks underneath it all....its eerie. And I'm fucked for wielding a hammer like I did. But I didn't do anything. Just a lot of screaming.
Then I ended up online tonight talking to �him� about the car situation and he advised me to go rent some furniture for my apartment and straighten my credit out that way. Good idea�.
He asked me to call him. I always think this is his need to "hear" me and know that I'm a girl on the other side of the conversations. I called and somehow we ended back up on that conversation that goes something like this (him saying the following) If you came here�it would be ok for awhile and then you�d miss your son and then you�d be miserably sad and then if something happened with your son then you�d want to go back�and �.and�.(well you see where this is going) he said that he would be all caught up in me and then I�d just leave him and come back to be with �Bucky� and he wouldn�t ever be able to blame me for that decision.
~~~~~~~~~~
I just wish that I could find someplace to be.
Someplace to be intensity
Somewhere to go
And breath slow
I wish I wasn�t complexity
Without the how you know
Just be on the wind a light that grows
In the heat of intensity be
Someone for whom my
Curved smile shows
I want to be simplicity
A moonbeam shining alone
A whisper on a midnight
Traveling down the phone
I want to embrace you
Freely just as me
Don�t deface me or
The dream I�ve come to see
Let me breath out of
My heartache
An outline to the shore
Meet me inside
The happiness
Let me believe I can�t
Possibly love you more
(one little note...I'm not obsessed...he's the one person that I can be "me" around and get great advice from. He told me exactly how to deal with this car situation and I intend to take his advice..and I already know it will work out.)
-PoeticaL
and i've got
no illusions about you
and guess what?
i never did
and when i said
when i said i'll take it
i meant,
i meant as is
-Ani DiFranco (as is)
