PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

as is - no warranty (and a poem)

Tuesday, Feb. 26, 2002
My entries are totally sucking lately….because I no longer have that idle time at work anymore. I think perhaps they’ve figured out that I didn’t have enough to do and I’m all the sudden getting tons of busy work to do. Things that take time but no brains to do. Those things are fine for passing the time…but leave a lot to be desired elsewhere.

I haven’t turned in my lease application yet. I need to do that soon. I think they close before I get out of work and so that makes it difficult.

I went today to look at that Ford Probe after work and I filled out that application, but husband made the mistake of telling Mr Car Dealer Salesmen that I will be moving soon but don’t have the address yet. Doh! This is a buy here pay here place and those words were the kiss of death. “Moving…don’t have an address yet” grrrrrrrr Why not just fuck my chances of getting this car right up the ass with no lube?

I freaked. I totally lost it. Screaming and yelling and waving a hammer telling him (after we got home of course) that I was going to mash and destroy his perfect “pussy mobile” But I never did it. Bucky started crying in the middle of the entire mess and then I was crying and holding him and it was nasty ugly and it was horrific and I can’t even believe I am writing about it here on my diary…. And if you want to comment and tell me how fucked up it is that I lost it in front of my kid...you might also want to mention how fucked up it is that I was being pushed all over the driveway in front of my kid.

Then an hour later after this whole hammer wielding tangent I took ( I think I need some fucking prozac for sure) we all went out to dinner. The waitress was slow and sucked ass and I was just so full of anger and stuff. I went and got the manager and told him how we sat waiting for 25 minutes for her to bring us our drinks…..and then she brought the wrong order of food. I was just angry and miserable….

My marriage is so strange. We flip out and call each other names then sit in a restaurant like a normal nicey nice family.....and all is well. Well...except for....what lurks underneath it all....its eerie. And I'm fucked for wielding a hammer like I did. But I didn't do anything. Just a lot of screaming.

Then I ended up online tonight talking to “him” about the car situation and he advised me to go rent some furniture for my apartment and straighten my credit out that way. Good idea….

He asked me to call him. I always think this is his need to "hear" me and know that I'm a girl on the other side of the conversations. I called and somehow we ended back up on that conversation that goes something like this (him saying the following) If you came here…it would be ok for awhile and then you’d miss your son and then you’d be miserably sad and then if something happened with your son then you’d want to go back…and ….and….(well you see where this is going) he said that he would be all caught up in me and then I’d just leave him and come back to be with “Bucky” and he wouldn’t ever be able to blame me for that decision.

~~~~~~~~~~

I just wish that I could find someplace to be.
Someplace to be intensity
Somewhere to go
And breath slow

I wish I wasn’t complexity
Without the how you know
Just be on the wind a light that grows

In the heat of intensity be
Someone for whom my
Curved smile shows

I want to be simplicity
A moonbeam shining alone
A whisper on a midnight
Traveling down the phone

I want to embrace you
Freely just as me
Don’t deface me or
The dream I’ve come to see

Let me breath out of
My heartache
An outline to the shore
Meet me inside
The happiness
Let me believe I can’t
Possibly love you more

(one little note...I'm not obsessed...he's the one person that I can be "me" around and get great advice from. He told me exactly how to deal with this car situation and I intend to take his advice..and I already know it will work out.)

-PoeticaL


and i've got
no illusions about you
and guess what?
i never did
and when i said
when i said i'll take it
i meant,
i meant as is
-Ani DiFranco (as is)
12:42 a.m. ::
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