cluttering the net since 2001

i don't know shit about love

Monday, Jul. 19, 2004
Tonight I packed up his work clothes…gave them to his employer so he can maintain his job. I do not wish him ill. I do not want for his life to be the mess it has and will be for now. I did not do anything because of hate or because I want to destroy another human being. I didn’t do this because I never loved him. I did this because I must love myself enough to not allow myself to be harmed. I did this because in that moment…as a former rape victim I didn’t know anything but survival. To get away. To get help. Along with his clothes…a typed note….because love is like that. It doesn’t die just because the world says it should all go away in a puff of dust. I love with all that I am…I was going to share it here….I have changed my mind…

That note was for him. I don’t know if it was a mistake on my part but it was like all things I have done from my gut. It’s hard to look around at his things…our things…our life and not feel emotionally destroyed. It’s hard not to want to hug him and make it all go away. It’s hard not to be able to fix the things that hurt us. It’s hard to not be able to say a word to him. A few days ago I was going to marry this man. I had thoughts of a life. I still grasped that hope despite the problems. I still wanted….something that will now not be.

The county jail called me. He will be released this evening. His brother bailed him out. $6,000 in bond, $600 cash to get him out. I want to not be afraid. I want to hug him and make it all better. Make the problems he has go away. I know all about having problems. I can’t make it go away. The state won’t let it go away.

What’s done is done and all I can do is suck it up…try to hang on…and go on.

I do not hate him or wish him ill. I wish him well. I will never feel the disgust towards him that I have in the past felt towards my ex. Never… I will never


.....part of the letter...

Maybe I should have been stronger. Maybe I should have left. Maybe you shouldn’t have got drunk around me. Maybe a thousand things…but in the end this is all there is…. I could not love you enough to make you see the things I saw. I tried to give you a different life. Something to count on. Someone to count on. Maybe I don’t know shit about love.
10:03 p.m. ::
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