i don't know shit about love
Monday, Jul. 19, 2004
Tonight I packed up his work clothes�gave them to his employer so he can maintain his job. I do not wish him ill. I do not want for his life to be the mess it has and will be for now. I did not do anything because of hate or because I want to destroy another human being. I didn�t do this because I never loved him. I did this because I must love myself enough to not allow myself to be harmed. I did this because in that moment�as a former rape victim I didn�t know anything but survival. To get away. To get help. Along with his clothes�a typed note�.because love is like that. It doesn�t die just because the world says it should all go away in a puff of dust. I love with all that I am�I was going to share it here�.I have changed my mind�
That note was for him. I don�t know if it was a mistake on my part but it was like all things I have done from my gut. It�s hard to look around at his things�our things�our life and not feel emotionally destroyed. It�s hard not to want to hug him and make it all go away. It�s hard not to be able to fix the things that hurt us. It�s hard to not be able to say a word to him. A few days ago I was going to marry this man. I had thoughts of a life. I still grasped that hope despite the problems. I still wanted�.something that will now not be.
The county jail called me. He will be released this evening. His brother bailed him out. $6,000 in bond, $600 cash to get him out. I want to not be afraid. I want to hug him and make it all better. Make the problems he has go away. I know all about having problems. I can�t make it go away. The state won�t let it go away.
What�s done is done and all I can do is suck it up�try to hang on�and go on.
I do not hate him or wish him ill. I wish him well. I will never feel the disgust towards him that I have in the past felt towards my ex. Never� I will never
-PoeticaL
.....part of the letter...
Maybe I should have been stronger. Maybe I should have left. Maybe you shouldn�t have got drunk around me. Maybe a thousand things�but in the end this is all there is�. I could not love you enough to make you see the things I saw. I tried to give you a different life. Something to count on. Someone to count on. Maybe I don�t know shit about love.
