cluttering the net since 2001

bucky and harry and rick and .....merry so merry

Sunday, Jun. 22, 2003
Friday night ruled. Rick and I picked him up from daycare in the rain. I ignored the stupid comments about having the picture of his parents sliced in half leaving only mom. (ms. cleaver can't tolerate having a picture of ex and I together..must suck to be that insecure..stole the man but aren't sure you actually have the man????) We went to dinner. Mexican food. I sat next to Bucky and he jib-jabbered on. Rick...pretty silent.... It was raining all weekend. Then we came home for awhile. He played with Chloe..he loves dogs and isn't allowed to have one there...he loves her and she seems to have remembered him but still isn't too keen on kids because of that prior abuse she experienced at the hands of a child. Then we went to the Harry Potter party at B&N. It was packed with crazed Harry fans. I read tons and tons of books..own tons of em and I have NEVER read em. The best part of sitting around waiting for a big fat book to be released was that we had nothing but time to talk to each other about life, the events around us, we talked and talked. Bucky had his first vanilla latte...afterall WE just HAD to stay awake until we could contribute some of Mom's hard earned money to a rich author. He picked up books that looked interesting for me and said, "here read this..see if you like it." We sat on the floor, propped up our feet, piled up books, contributed to the mess caused by the masses. We laughed, we shared I tried very hard at several points not to cry. "Never knowing when I'll see him again" is like a sad song running through my head. When I smile, I sometimes still wonder....and its a bittersweet feeling. He didn't like latte, so we got cookies and milk and we laughed about choclatey fingers and badly dressed Harry wannabe's running around. He skipped Harry #4 so I have to get that for him later. We walked, talked, sat and waited. I noticed that when I sat down, he sat right next to me, leaned against me and his hair smelled good, but not good like the stuff I used to always buy for him to use. I noticed his pants were new and I wasn't the one that picked them out. I noticed his vocabulary has increased. I noticed that he's growing up fast, wearing gel in his hair lately..., he's got opinions and ideas. He questions God, sinning, the meaning of lots of things. We talked about Oprah's book club, religion, food, coffee, dogs, (past and present),we talked about his psuedo brother Stevie, and I try as hard as I could I couldn't help feeling out of the loop. I went to the bathroom, pressed my face against the metal wall and the tears didn't come. The heat of my face, the realization that time is something you can never get back. The guilt...the guilt was an animal clawing at my heart. I went back and asked him if he was mad at me for the way things went. His reply was, "I'm not mad at anyone, I just wish I was old enough to drive and go where I wanted when I wanted." I said, "where would you go?" He said, "to tell that judge I miss you."

For months I've had money problems, things I've been trying to resolve. I've been very open with Bucky about what's going on and why. I don't want him thinking I am not with him because that's what I want. It's a court ordered thing between his Dad and I and not about him at all. I have also been upfront about the bills his Dad left me with and why I'm now working so much. When we got in my truck at 2 a.m. my son pulled his saved up $9 out of his pocket and tried to give it to me to help pay for his book. That boy is so full of love and gives everything he has. I am the luckiest Mom ever. I of course declined his offer and thanked him for being so sweet. He said, "are you sure..I want to help you."

On the inside of his new Harry book I wrote....

You make my whole world more beautiful. Your blue eyes are like the summer sky, your hand holding mine is always the best feeling any Mom could ever get. I love you more than most. Always.

Remember you can do anything you want in life...if you only believe you can. I'm so proud to call you my son.


Last night when I came home from work, Rick left me a little stuffed teddy bear with flowers in a little miniature basket. He also wrote me a letter. It said...

My Dearest Kristy,

I just wanted to let you know that although I don't always show it I really do love you with all my heart. You bring me inspiration when I have none. You give me so much and don't ask for anything in return. Because of that I will always have a special place in my heart for you. NO MATTER WHAT


This weekend was pretty damned great even if I did work over 18 hours in two days.

9:22 p.m. ::
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