cluttering the net since 2001

miss you too

Thursday, May. 12, 2005

I hold it all in a lot. I tell myself that I’m doing the right things but often I ask myself if I am truly doing the right things.  Without changing a lot of things I cannot do what I would most want to do.  I’d love to buy a house, have a bedroom for my son, a backyard for my dog.  A life…again…a normal family life.  I’d love to drive him to school, come home from work and retrieve him or be home for him again all evening.


Someday…..someday.  I know the improvements I am sacrificing to make now will one day pay off.  I want to help my son buy a car one day, help him start his own life as an adult.  I want to be in a better situation so I can truly help him that way then. 


Oh but the now…the now is so hard sometimes.  The now sucks so bad sometimes.  Part of me has gotten used to it.  I don’t cry about it all every day anymore.  In the beginning right after the divorce I would rush off to the bathroom at work and cry my eyes out missing my son so bad it killed me.


Now I have learned to deal with the pain, to push it back and down deep to move into the next day and do all that I can do to improve things for tomorrow.


But I miss him.  Like a dull ache somewhere inside always.  A knowledge that I am not his Mommy every single day because I am not with him every single day.  A knowledge that these years will one day be gone and they will not come back around again.  I ask myself so often if I am doing the right things.


I know I have a plan and that working towards a goal is never easy, if it were everyone would have it all and it would be dropped out of the sky.


But I miss him.  I miss more than just seeing him, but driving him to school.  I miss seeing his bedroom.  I haven’t seen where he sleeps in years.  Not since the separation and he went to live with his Daddy.  I don’t know what his sheets look like, I don’t know his pile of toys like the back of my hand like I once upon a time did.  I don’t know if he sometimes hates me for not being there when the day is rough or his stepmother says something he might not like.  I don’t know if he holds this against me somewhere deep inside.


I don’t know.  I only know that I didn’t ever want it to be this way.  I wanted him to have a family.  To have his Mommy and Daddy under the same roof.  To have what I did not have…a real family always…..always….


But it wasn’t me who split it all apart.  It wasn’t what I ever wanted.  I forgave and forgave and forgave his father for cheating on me.  More than once.  I forgave wanting nothing but to be a family.  And for what?  So that someone else could have my family????  So that she could steal it all away????


I miss him….I miss having a family truly.  I miss it like a constant ache.  Like the ocean moving in my soul never content.  I miss it.  It ebbs and flows and the constant sharpness of it dulls at times.  But it never goes away entirely.


I have done my best to take care of myself….to build myself back up to be someone my son can be proud of.  I hope someday I can succeed in that goal.


In the meantime when it’s late in the evening and I again close my eyes and say a prayer for my son and hope he’s happy and safe like I always do…because being someone’s Mother and not truly knowing with visual fact that your child is warm and safe…is sometimes so gut wrenchingly hard…..to miss him and then get a note…


from pupart12 :

hey mom !! i sure do wish i could have been there with you to dance to rap and more !! it would be so cool ....!!! well ill be praying 4 u to love u and c u this weekend XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO HUGS AND KISSES BYE


I pray for wisdom….he prays for me… this note brought me to tears.  I love you so much its impossible for the alphabet to make sense of how much.  You make me believe the world is beautiful.

9:29 p.m. ::
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