PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

ahhh me head hurts....thinking

Tuesday, Jul. 23, 2002
If someone' really bored and wants to read all of this and give me some advice, I' greatly appreciate it *sigh* You might learn some interesting stuff to. Go figure¡K.whatever! I don't know about any of this yet.

T: ok i see....I got messages in limbo right

now

Me: weird

Me: our connection gets weird sometimes

Me: its never like that with anyone else

T: ok

T: back

Me: kewl

Me: wb

Me: now did you see what I said

T: that you

Me: I"d rather be here than anywhere else!

T: yep..

Me: read it a couple times

T: it all pops up at once

Me: yeah I realize

Me: we have a shit connection

T: ok

Me: I'm sorry

T: lol

T: sure blame the IT guy

Me: lol

T:

Me: lol

Me: a cute icon won't redeem you

T: Hey you know the First of August is coming

up!

Me: and what is that?

T: hello?

Me: I'm right here

T: it is like the fourth of july...

Me: what is August 1st

Me: it is?

Me: how come?

T: and the 5th of may!

Me: what is the 5th of May?

T: Sinco De Mayo

Me: ohhhhhhhhhh I see

Me: party eh?

T: Not really..but whay not have a holiday on

the 1st..

T: then everyone can have a day off of work

and sit around eating burnt hotdogs and hamburgers

T:

Me: teeheeeee

T: I try to invent holidays sometimes...

Me: you're so cute

T: I guess I am weird is all

Me: that helps

Me: stop saying that to me

Me: you're not weird

Me: you just like to have fun

Me: spice things up

T: ok...I guess I am Strange sometimes?

Me: stop it

T: better?

Me: grrrrrr

Me: *smack* *smack*

Me: see what you made me do?

T: I had better not write the joke I was

going to throw int

Me: lol

Me: write it

T: naw the moment is lost

Me: phooey

Me: that's no fair

Me: =(

T: messages in limbo

T: ok..

Me: sowwy

T: I was going to say..

Me: yes?

T: "whip me, beat me, make me feel cheap"...

T: but like I said the moment is lost

Me: teeheeee

Me: lol

Me: T???.......

T: Kristy?

T: yes?

Me: i like you

Me: when will you figure it out?

Me: if I tell you every single day

Me: will you believe me?

T: i like you

T: I believe you...

T: but you have to admit...

T: I have a warped sense of humor sometimes

Me: yeah sometimes

Me: so what

Me: its kewl

T:

Me: it makes me laugh

Me: with you not at you

T: ...

T: I did have another one liner to throw

in...but once again the moment is lost

Me: awwww man

Me: the price you pay for slow net

T: LOL

T: Yep...

T: oh-well

Me: so how was your day

Me: ?

T: Today or yesterday?

Me: i suppose that woudl mean yesterady

Me: yesterady

Me: argh

T: Hot..

Me: i can't type when I think about certain

things

T: couldn't hardly sleep last night

T: was up to nearly 2200 zulu

Me: wow

T: what are you thinking about

Me: lol

Me: nothing

T: nothing...?

T: what kind of nothing?

Me: just

Me: nothing

Me: lol

Me: i'm trying to get a visual

Me: like

Me: are you sitting

Me: leaning back

Me: just trying to get some picture in my mind

Me: stupid

T: see....you are thinking about something..

T: I kew this...

T: because I think about nothing all the tiem

Me: how did you know this?

Me: lol

Me: lol

T: and usually...I am thinking about

something..

T: but can't explain it....

T: but is not really that important though

Me: lol

Me: I think big important things

Me: like what color does you have on?

T: I guess I am a little....errr...mmmm.

...ahh..normal that way

Me: like is he smiling....I want him to be

smiling

T: yes

T: DCU

Me: DCU?

T: Desert Comoflgue Uniform

Me: sexy

Me: lol

T: army brown T-shirt

T: Desert Combat Boot

Me: stop stop...you'll get me all worked up

T: and a thong

Me: hahahahaha

T: just kidding about the thoung

Me: i know

Me: that's not up to code

T: what are you wearing?

T: oh...iam sorry..

T: that was a cyber pig question

Me: lol

Me: ok I'll be honest

Me: I have on a orange shirt with buttons at

the collar , white stripe around the collar and a pair

of Joe Boxer panties and that's it

Me: my hair all up in a goonie pony tail

Me: cross legged like an Indian on my chair

T: sure...get me all worked up..

T: how come I cbe joe boxer?'t an

Me: oh I have a bra on too

Me: I like joe boxer

Me: he's happy

Me: but this is the only pair I have

T: lol

T: I don't know joe

Me: I got them on sale somewhere

Me: I don't pay tons for him

Me: he's a smiley face thats all

Me: like this ļ

T: lol

T: ok I have seen him around

Me: probably

Me: ok I have something to show you

T: ok

Me: I worked on this tonight and I still

haven't fixed a few glitches

Me: but I wanted to show you what i decided to

do

T: ok

Me: I have had this url and did a few things

with it

T: ...

Me: nothing major or that I liked

Me: but......

Me: well...

Me: did this for you

T: shoot

Me: cause of you....for

you...um....well...yeah so....here

T:

Me:

http://bleedingink.diaryland.com/meeting.html

T: trying to go there now

Me: ok

T: its loading...

Me: ok

T: and loading...

Me: by tomorrow you'll see it

T: and loading..

Me: lol

T: and loading...

T: and loading...

T: and still loading...

Me: HAHAHAHAHA

Me: ...how funny

T: it has aobut 30% loaded now

Me: hahaha

T: and loading...

T: oh...I see words!

T: and done!

Me: teeheee

T: That is really good!

T: thank you

Me: you're welcome

T: nobody has ever done somthing like that

before

Me: something like what?

T: wrote poems....

T: And see....

Me: well...the first one...PoeticaL... I wrote

that ages ago..it's like my signature piece

T: oh ok

Me: but.....Meeting

Me: I wrote for YOU

T: so you can do HTML script

Me: some yeah

Me: I can't do tables

T: yet

Me: I steal those from people who can

Me: right

Me: someday

Me: I want to go into web design.. I want to

be able to do what I have in my mind

T: see I don't have clue one about HTML

script

Me: its far more creative than what I see

Me: I just can't do it because I don't have

the skills

T: not yet...right

T: but practice makes perfect

Me: I want to go to a tech school

Me: just can't figure out how to get the money

to go with such a mess on my credit

T: I went to one for a couple of years

Me: trust me you'll get sick of poetry

Me: everyone around me does

T: studied Electro-Mechanical Engineering and

Technical Drafting

T: I I would not get sick of Poetry

Me: sure you will

Me: eventually

Me: I think this turned out really nice

T: yes it did...

T: and eventually...

T: monkies might fly out my butt...but I

doubt it

Me: lol

Me: but see...

Me: I think some people fall for my poetry and

not for ME

Me: I know that it's partly one and the same

Me: but it's not the same

T: true..

Me: I just

Me: I have a thought and I sit down and write

it out in a different sort of way

Me: to me all my stuff is the same but other

people say it's not

Me: who knows

T: it is not all the same..but..

T: can you hold on a sec..I have been drinking

too much water today

Me: sure go ahead

T: ok?

Me: yes

T: no tinkle poems while i am gone ok?

T: :-)

Me: lol

Me: ok

T: back

Me: yeahhhhhhhhhh

Me: ok so that was kewl tonight

Me: I like to do stuff like that and feel like

I did something

T: what was cool

Me: doing that diary thing

Me: I did that all tonight

Me: about 2 hours

T: oh ok..

T: that is cool

Me: the big thing is hosting your own images

Me: you can link to other peoples hosting

Me: and basically steal their image

Me: but if they delete it your screwed

T: yep..

T: but like I said...I haven't learned HTML

...YET

Me: teehee

Me: neither have I

Me: I'm a creative theif

T: but from what I have seen it is a lot like

C++

Me: I have another diary and I messed with it

for a year and learned stuff

Me: like watch this

T: <----watches intently

Me: do you know how to view source on a page?

T: maybe

Me: right click on the screen anywhere

T: view--->source

Me: not on an image though

Me: yeahhhhhhhh

Me: you know

Me: doh

Me: you act stupid

Me: but you're not

T: it is not an act

T: :-)

Me: hahahah

Me: yes it IS

T: no its not

Me: I'm gonna show you what I learned how to

do today

Me: purely based on desire

T: ooo she said "desire"

Me: lol

T:

Me: now just so you know

Me: i'm still learning

Me: I can't do the tables thing yet

T: ok

T: are you using Front Page?

Me: nope

Me: go look again

Me: http://bleedingink.diaryland.com/

Me: yeah i know

Me: you'll see it tomorrow

T: I see pictures

Me: sending you a big hug?

T: DONE!

T: yep I see it

Me: I put that in my other diary and said

"awwww look what T sent me"

T: cool

Me: I got 15 emails "who's T?" "who's T?"

Me: I have a diary I haven't shown you

Me: but if I talk about you there it's totally

generic

T: you said the guy in Afgahnastan....

who can't be there because I have internet

Me: lol

Me: nope I didn't say that

T: LOL

Me: I said "someone bought a poetry book off

of my wishlist and I don't know but...I have this

cheesy feeling"

T: LOL

T: why do you think that?

Me: because amazon tells you what's been

bought off of your list and no ones ever bought

anything off of my list

T: :-)

Me: but you see if i add another image it

makes my diary all cockeyed and strange

Me: I don't know that html part yet

Me: lol

T: errr..maybe....errr..umm it was someone

else?

Me: er.....never know

T: yeah that must have been it...

Me: I'm takin the hug off of there

Me: he's on my other diary though

Me: I drive people nuts

T: But I have written some HTML using Front

Prage

Me: they can't keep up

T: I try though

Me: for about 3 weeks I talked to this guy

named Tim

Me: from TN

Me: he had to drive through FL

Me: I met up with him

Me: he was apparently all about painting a

picture in hopes of a good time

T: and?

Me: I'm about to say something that's gonna

make me sound like a slut but here goes

Me: if a guy just wants to get laid why not

say that. If I'm going to sleep with a person I'm

gonna do it cause I want to not cause of them leading

me into thinking it's all something more. Why play

games? I'm not 15. I'm an adult. He played games.

Me: Nothing happened. But he sure tried.

T: why does that make you sound like a slut?

Me: oh yeah I forgot I'm talking to Zuess

Me: lol

Me: i'm just saying

T: LOL

Me: I"m not a prude

Me: but I also don't sleep around

T: nothing wrong with that...

Me: but if I liked a person I woudn't sit

there and say "ok now are you gonna pay half my bills

and buy me flowers for life cause if not I can't take

my pants off"

T: LOL

Me: that's just stupid

T: yep..

T: and it sounds like a gold digger

Me: I also don't just crawl into bed with

someone I just met.

Me: although I did it once

Me: and dont' regret it

Me: it all depends on an exact situation

T: true..true

Me: so what I'm trying to say here is

Me: if he wanted to come here and hang out and

just fuck and go home why not just say that ?

T: LOL...

T: because of the Y chromosome

Me: well ok maybe because most girls are gonna

get pissed and you'll never get anywhere

Me: but he came here....tried...I laughed at

his game playing

Me: and he went home

Me: if I called him he'd answer and say "can

you call me back later?"

Me: I'd call later and he'd never answer his

phone

Me: whatever

Me: I did that twice and forgot about him

Me: I don't need that stupid shit

T: good girl!

Me: so today when I said "t sent me a hug"

Me: everyone's like 'fuck him...don't talk to

him again!!!"

Me: lol

Me: I'm all like woahhhh woah.....

Me: not Tim..... I said "T"

T: Oh....ok

Me: so I had to add you to my cast of

characters

Me: its called cast away

T: LOL

T: ..Life is but a stage right

Me: lol

Me: well here's what I wrote and added

Me: T - T is a relatively newfound friend, but

someone that treats me with major amounts of respect.

He's currently stationed in Afghanistan serving our

country. (Yes we are at war.) He's got the sweetest

disposition and the kindest heart and I like him a

great deal. He makes me laugh and is just plain fun to

talk with.

T:

Me: and Tim...

T: <---feels his face warm as he begins to

blush

Me: Tim - Tim is a guy I met from online. He

was a dissapointment and rarely mentioned but he is in

the archives somewhere and responsible for

dissapointment in large doses. I learned a good lesson

from that chapter.

T: yep..

Me: I shoulda said 'TIM SUCKS"

Me: lookie

T: so now I know to never pass through FL to

do a "painting"

Me: for my son

Me: lol

Me: lol

T: ok

Me: a painting?

T: moment

Me: hmmm

Me: I wouldn't say that

Me: just tell me that's what it is and that

when you leave you leave and that's that

Me: don't fuck with my head and tell me to

call you when you don't really want me to

T: true

T: Ok I see where my confusion was.

Me: lol

Me: ok

Me: my son

Me: ¡§Bucky¡¨ ¡V is my 9 year old son. He¡¦s a

very artsy child. He draws and writes too. He¡¦s

sensitve and loving and just plain funny. He¡¦s got

light brown hair and Frank Sinatra blue eyes. He

claims he wants to be a famous singer someday.

Whatever he does I know now it will be amazing. He¡¦s

my reason to strive to be a better person¡K.always.

Bucky is his nickname, not his real name.

T: so you got these for every Character in

your life?

Me: uh...*shrugs*

Me: sorta

T: lol....

T: that is so cute

Me: mr NC

Me: ¡§him/”him”¡¨ ¡V “him” is ¡§him¡¨. “him” and I met

online 3 years ago when he was singing a song and I

asked him if he wrote it himself. (he did) He taught

me most of what I know about html and helped me with

my main website Poetical Musings. He gave me a writing

course for my birthday once and generally guided me in

the right direction with a lot of issues. For the most

recent year and a half he and I talked seriously about

being together. It didn¡¦t work out. I have mixed

feelings. We will probably always be friends and I

will probably always rub at scars trying to heal. We

have a link that nothing seems to break. A tie that

has a lot of knots.

T:

Me: “him”'s I dunno....

T: even your descriptions read like poetry

Me: I said a few things to him about you and

he was all like "I gotta go"

Me: I was like "see ya bye"

Me: mr "lets be friends" wants to be the only

friend and do nothing in return

T: stupid...

T: some times I am assamed to be male

T: ashamed

Me: he doesn't want to be with me but he

doesn't want me talking about anyone else

Me: I had said "I found someone cool"

Me: he said "at the pound?"

Me: I said "no that's where you find girls to

talk to if they don't talk to you first like I did"

Me: lots of animosity going on there

T: I am a bit comfused about the pound?

Me: me too

Me: he keeps telling me it's a waste to talk

to anyone online

Me: cause he said "what are you gonna do

....go hang out in afganistan and check out a movie?"

T: since when is making friends a waste of

time

Me: well consider the source

T: true

Me: hes talked to me for 3 1/2 years and yet

he can't put forth any effort because he "doesn't know

someone that he's never even sat in the same room

with!"

T: true...where in NC is he from

Me: wil¡K.

Me: he's from ND

Me: but lives there now

Me: get this

T: what

Me: he met some girl online 5 years ago, quit

his job and moved to W from ND and she tried

to turn him into her dead husband.

T: lol

Me: he thinks the whole world is fucked up

cause of that

Me: he thinks everyones the same

T: lol..

T: he is going to lead a lonely life then

Me: yeah

Me: I mean look at all the fucked up stuff

that's happened to me

Me: I do NOT think other men or people are

like husband was

Me: is

T: yep..

Me: that's just wrong

T: I agree

Me: he was all like "oh so you're gonna talk

to this guy for how long...never meet him and then

what?"

T: so he believes that if you talk to

somebody online....

T: then it has to more than friends?

Me: who knows

T: or that you have to meet them

Me: cause when I wanted him to come here and

meet me he backed out.....once I moved back he wanted

to come

Me: yeah he thinks you have to move forward or

say goodbye and move on

T: what ever

Me: yeah stupid

Me: but

Me: I gotta tell you

Me: it does rather suck when you fall for

someone and then you can't even meet up

Me: that bites the big one

Me: been there done that

T: yep...I know it does

Me: of course now sometimes I realize that it

costs about $149 to come here from where he is

on a plane and about $50 in gas so he's really a sad sad case

Me: how do you know it does?

T: lol

T: I have met a couple of people in my day...

Me: lol

T: thought a few things..

Me: most guys walk out of the computer and all

they are is jerks

Me: I've met more than one

Me: when husband split out

Me: and left

Me: I was talking to this guy in

Providence

Me: he was married with two kids

Me: we were just friends

Me: but he knew I was here alone with no

family

Me: and that i didn't know where my son was at

the time

Me: 26 hours after husband split out this guy

jumped a plane, calls me from the airport saying 'can you

come get me"

Me: I sorta had to

Me: he took his wedding ring off, left his

wife a letter saying "I have to go....I can't leave

her there alone right now"

Me: and here's what happened

Me: for 23 hours i bawled my eyes out all over

his shirt...all boogered up.....he felt guilty about

his wife and jumped a plane

Me: $600 and 23 hours

Me: and a pissed off wife that won't let him

breath now

Me: been there done that

Me: I gotta say he was a decent enough guy but

I was alone and he coulda been an orangatan and I'

woulda cried all over him

T: lol

Me: he got off the plane and said, "I had to

come....I wanted you to know that for once in your

life you were not alone and that someone would care

about you again"

T: that was sweet

Me: and it was a very sweet gesture, I am

grateful that he did it cause I believe it's the

reason I didn't lose it

T: of him

Me: of course his wife thinks we just had sex

a go'zillion times in 23 hours and fact is I never

even kissed the guy

Me: I just cried 23 hours straight about my

son

T: lol

Me: we laid on the beach, him saying wow the

sky..me crying..him saying "wow you have a lot of

snot"

T: lol

Me: it wasn't what his wife thinks

Me: she called me a lot after that asking me

what happened

T: that is silly

Me: I said 1. i was all fucked up..my kid was

missing... 2. nothing but me crying

Me: she didn't believe me

Me: so one day I said , "1. if I were you I

woudn't fuck that...he's so small.

Me: she said , "I know"

Me: and she never called me again

Me: go figure

T: LOL

Me: before the last 3 years I was a pretty

typical girl

Me: doing the married with kid thing

Me: I never cheated

Me: never did anything

Me: then he did what he did and all hell broke

lose

Me: i pretty much went through this phase of

not caring about anything

T: sounds like I need to send you another hug

Me: teeheee

Me: nah

Me: I'm ok

Me: realy I am

Me: what's odd now

Me: that guy

Me: his best friend that knew what was going

on

Me: he reads my daily diary

Me: found it somehow

Me: comments

Me: its all odd

Me: life is odd

Me: i know two things

Me: 1. I don't want to fall for you

Me: 2. I'm having a hard damn time not doing

just that

T: there are a couple of things I need to

tell you then...

T: hello?

Me: I'm here

Me: waiting for the bomb sentence to go off

T: just checking..

T: I don't want you to fall for me...because

T: I don't consider myself a ....

T: good? person..

Me: you care to tell me why?

T: Me: you care to tell me why? can you

expand a little more?

Me: why are you not a good person

Me: because you THINK you're not

Me: or because you have proof

T: because I know I am not...

T: I am probably one of the nicest guys

around...

T: but I go out and do stupid stuff all the

time

T: oh i don't know

Me: ok

Me: i'm gonna make this easy

T: it is one of those things

Me: cause I can't do this anymore

T: can't do what?

Me: this

Me: this what we're doing

Me: this

T: ?

Me: I don't need to ride anymore emotional

roller coasters.

Me: I don't need you to be nice to me and make

me feel happy all over just so you can then tell me

you're not good enough.

Me: i don't need any of this

T: ok?

Me: what?

T: but should I tell you that I am a knight

in shining armor?

Me: I dont' want that

Me: and if you think I want perfection from

someone I don't

Me: that's an impossiblity

T: and I am far from perfect

Me: ok then

T: I just don't want to be another sour

chapter..does that make sense...because I really do

enjoy chatting with you...

T: and..

T: did I ever tell you that it is hard for me

to discuss emotional stuff?

Me: lol

Me: don't make me giggle when I"m trying to

act all tough

Me: and yes you told me

T: the thing is I don't want to hurt you...or

am i being silly

Me: I don't want to get hurt

Me: i dont' want another list on some fucked

up cast of characters

Me: maybe I want someone that matters

Me: maybe I want to matter to someone

Me: and it never happens

Me: and you didn't do anything wrong

Me: I do

Me: I always do

T: no you don't

T: there are just a lot of people out there

with fucked up mentalities

Me: i must because...look at my life

Me: look at every person I want to believe in

T: Not everyone gets delt the same hand in

life...

T: Who to say that i could not be i the

situation?

Me: well it's my situation

Me: not yours

T: I know this...

Me: just go back to what you were doing before

me

T: ?

T: i am a bit confused here

Me: join the crowd

Me: i want ....it feels like you could really

matter and you don't want to really matter and so why

do this to myself

Me: i can go back and sit in a corner

somewhere writing everything in a notebook and not

talk to anyone like I was before

T: NO NO NO

T: I want to matter....and I want it to

matter..

T: but...

T: I don't have the words to describe what I

am trying to say

T: let me try it this way...

T: when I think about not chatting with

you...

T: it is like an emptiness inside..

T: does that make any sense?

Me: yeah

Me: it does cause I think the same thing

Me: and when I think about all the stuff I

shoulda learned from everything in my past, it scares

the fuck out of me

Me: what am I doing?

Me: I ask myself that more than once in a day

Me: when I'm walking around at work doing

normal things i"m thinking somewhere in my head, "aww

how strange..he's sleeping right now"

T: :-)

Me: and then I think "this is a guy who's

never in the same place twice and saw his parents once

in 7 years...what do you really thinks gonna ever

happen"

Me: I keep trying to keep you in this

compartment nice and safe somewhere and I"m having a

hell of a time doing that

Me: then I say "wait we're not doing anything,

we're chatting..harmless..."

Me: but ...been there done that...

T: :-)

Me: why are you smiling?

Me: lol

T: same here

Me: then I go through that ugly laundry list

¡§he¡¨ spouted off at me for 2 1/2 years

T: except I got the Tshirt

Me: all the "it won't work cause's"

Me: whatever

T: ok

Me: I never wanted to think like that

Me: ok what?

Me: ok it's 3:40 and you gotta go to

work in 2 hoursa

Me: and you're dong this again

Me: how about ok ....go read a

fairytale...get to "the end' and go to bed

T: don't you remember what I told you before?

T: there are no "the Ends" here

Me: yeah but I gotta go to bed

T: I know...so will you be on tomorrow?

Me: *shrugs*

T: I might not because I fly out of here then

Me: yeah I know

Me: have a safe trip

Me: say hi to the clouds for me

T: ty

T: I wish there were clouds here

Me: awww man

Me: ok listen

Me: I"m not mad at you

Me: or upset with you

T: listening

Me: I"m struggling

T: ok...I can understand that..

Me: alright...I'm gonna go to bed

T: but you should get to be now

Me: thanks for the hugs and stuff

Me: g'night

T: ok

T: ok

T: g'night

this morning I got this email¡K

Kristy,

This is going to be one of the hardest things

that I ever had to do, but I feel that it is

necessary. In fact, this probably going to sound like

I am just rambling on but somewhere in there is the

message I am trying to get across.

First, you know I have issues talking about my

feelings. It all goes back to an experience that

happened oh about 15-16 years ago. I had a crush on

some girl (names and faces aren¡¦t important) my

freshman year of High School. I told someone, who I

thought was a friend,, and the next thing I know,

rumors flying all over school. Nevertheless, that was

quite an embarrassing experience for me. Then lesson

I learned was that if people know how you feel and

what you care about then they know how and what to

hurt you with. Just a little background of why I am

the way I am is all.

I have been hurt in the past but I have also

handed out my share of pain and suffering

(metaphorically speaking). Some of it has to do with

me being a workaholic and putting my job before

friends and family, however most of it has to do with

my personality.

Once again, this is difficult for me, but I have

to tell you. I have to tell you because I am

developing feelings for you. (Maybe it scares me), I

do not know. Nevertheless, you should know this

stuff about me.

I don¡¦t often go out looking for friends, of

course I don¡¦t go out looking for people to sleep with

either, but I seem to find far fewer of the former

rather than the latter. And in you I seem to have

found a friend. Someone who does not judge

prematurely or hold grudges. Someone who isn¡¦t there

just to ¡§have their way with me¡¨ if that makes any

sense.

I say that I am not a good person because of my

history. Ok, here it goes¡Kthe Zeus the God of Thunder

thing, well it is somewhat accurate. I have slept

with more women than I can count or even attempt to

remember. I have done and still do some things that

shock most people. Some of them I will probably not

ever tell to anyone, but if asked I might admit to.

You might be wondering what I have done that is so

terrible. I don¡¦t know if I will tell you or not but

remember this I am not a murder, thief, rapist,

pedophiliac or any thing illegal like that.

I catch myself thinking, and I cannot believe I

am telling you this, but I catch myself thinking, that

when I get back to the states, I am going to drive to

Florida and ¡§hook up with you¡¨ and paint the town. I

got this complete mental picture of how it is going to

happen. I show up, you show me a little of the city,

we go see a movie, some dinner, we both enjoy one of

the greatest experiences in our lives, and then I

would leave and attempt to keep the relationship going

from afar.

There is a reason that I did not my parents for 7

years and I am divorced, it goes back to me putting

work ahead of everything else. I would always say,

¡§I¡¦ll be there next year¡¨ depending on the mission. I

actually cost me my marriage. The phone calls at two

or three am and me running off to do something for the

Army. I make my self the most valuable member of the organization, so then when it is time for me to take leave to see the family, the unit cannot function with out me¡Xor so they think. Another things is the numerous extended deployments I have to go on. Me being gone for a month, once every couple of months is hard on a relationship.

I would like to apologize for my rambling, but it

was the only way that I could put it down and remotely

hope to explain what I feel and am thinking. I am

telling you all this because I feel you have a right

to know. Because I consider you a friend and someone

that I don¡¦t want to hurt.

I can understand if you do not want to chat after

this email. Or if we do chat it is all mundane stuff

like how was your day¡K..what did you do, etc. But if

the experience feels like a ¡§oh I got to keep up

soldiers moral¡¨ then forget it, because that would not

fill the void that is left.

I truly hope to hear from you soon.

T

10:07 a.m. ::
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