PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

airline tickets to nowhere

Tuesday, Jun. 11, 2002
“Him”: you know what i think

Me: what do you think?

“Him”: i think i need to hold back on going to FL

Me: you need to quit changing your tune

Me: that's what you need to do

“Him”: ever since i mentioned it shit with you has been unreal

Me: because I told you I was dealing with things....you had me convinced of otherwise

Me: then one day like you're offering me a piece of gum "i'm coming there...oh want some gum?"

“Him”: well i want too

Me: how come?

“Him”: i plan taking a friday off

“Him”: ive never been to FL

Me: lol

Me: I dont know why I ask you stuff...it's not like you're ever going to give me the answers I want

Me: why do you manage to get under my skin like this?

Me: oh wait....strike that.....another useless question

Me: and NOPE that's wrong....you don't even like Florida

“Him”: your in clearwater

Me: I'm in St Petersburg

Me: geesh.....now you don't even remember that

Me: lol

“Him”: i know that

“Him”: but it gives me choices

“Him”: st petes clearwater

Me: what gives you choices

“Him”: St. Petersburg, FL (PIE-St. Petersburg Clearwater)

Me: airports

Me: ?

“Him”: yeah

Me: tampa

“Him”: no my granny

“Him”: ok tampa

Me: what are you doing?

“Him”: Tampa, FL (TPA-Tampa Intl.)

Me: yeah

“Him”: thats it

“Him”: your in tampa

Me: no

Me: I'm in st pete

“Him”: no shit

Me: Tampa is the closest biggest best airport

“Him”: ok

“Him”: how far

Me: st pete and clearwater are tiny little crappy

Me: ten miles

Me: across the bay

“Him”: ok

“Him”: they land in st. petes

Me: that's up to you

Me: st pete is not a bad airport

Me: just small

Me: think you need to have better reasons for this than "I have options" "I like florida"

Me: my head's pounding

Me: I need to think

“Him”: no you need to give thinking a break

Me: no I don't

Me: I think it's a mistake

“Him”: see this is what i am talking about

“Him”: whats a mistake

Me: I don't think you've thought about this

“Him”: coming to see you

Me: you just got this bright idea out of nowhere after months of saying other stuff

“Him”: no i never checked out tickets or thought about it at all

Me: oh geez

“Him”: actually i got the idea in a fortune cookie in a chinese place i ate at this weekend

Me: 3 months ago I knew what I wanted

Me: I don't know anymore

“Him”: why worry about it now

Because I ran back. Because you bailed and I was alone and scared and he was failing miserably with “Bucky”. Because I was scared I went back. Because I knew what it would mean if I told you I didn’t tell you. I just left you thinking I was still living in that apartment. I was confused, and fucked up like always. I’m worried now because you want to get on a plane and go see a big fat fucking liar. A big fat loser who couldn’t get her shit together all by herself in this world.

Did I say that? No. I cried, I copped a “I’m not ready” answer. And I hurt his feelings and made him feel like I never cared.

I’m so fucked up… When I moved out and he said “move on with your life…I found a girlfriend” I lost it. I looked at my life and accepted that maybe I wasn’t cut out to be happy or be with the person I loved at the time. I bailed and ran back. I tried to make the best of it. Part of it was I needed “Bucky” there….most of it was rejection and fear.

Then he decides to go getting rid of the girlfriend and coming after me full blast about wanting to come see Kristy, the girl that he thought finally had it together.

What a mess. What a heartbreaking story. And it’s my life.

If you’re out there reading this and you think you know me, think again. If you think that you know what it’s like to be me and carry all the baggage I have, come lift it. If you want to tell me how horrible I am because I couldn’t come clean knowing he’d split…no it wasn’t that. I couldn’t come clean because I didn’t want him to know that he chose to believe again in me and I thought so little of him to again lie to him. I can’t. I know that he’s hurt. His last words to me over the phone…

“I just wanted it to all mean something. I wanted all the hours to go somewhere. I know now that you’re too scared to be happy, too afraid of letting it happen to you. I’m just dissappointed.”

He’s the most right person about me…. He understands me better than I could ever understand myself. And I lied.

I have grand delusions of moving out, finding myself. Being alone. And never giving up again. I have grander illusions of calling him a year from now and saying “remember that airport? I’m ready.”

He never did anything wrong. He believed in me when I failed him. And I’ve done it again. He told me tonight, “When I met you, you were a mess…I still saw you in there, and now I’m asking you to let me meet you and you’re refusing to set aside your fear and let it just be.”

3 months too late. 3 months of a lie too much.

I just want to die… I feel like I let something good slip away…

If you want to write me and tell me how awful he is…feel free. I know your words are just words and mean nothing to my heart. I will continue to violently defend the innocent in this. When I say I fucked up, I fucked up. No question. He eluded over the phone to knowing I was hiding something and he said “I just hope your harboring something so worth your own possible happiness.”

The fact is, yes I lied. Because I didn’t have it in me to tell him I ran back tail between my legs in fear of losing it all. I didn’t tell him I never went to him for help because I just felt like such a lame ass for needing to over and over again. I knew he wanted me to get it together for me. He was in my corner and I failed. I couldn’t bear to share my deepest failures with the person I loved the most.

How to tell the ONE person that’s been there for me for so very long. How? By the way I went back to my husband even though I love you.

I’m a fucking loser and I couldn’t say it. Even tonight…I couldn’t say it. He feels rejected. How awful. He feels rejected by me. Said I was the only 32 year old woman he knew that couldn’t let herself be happy. He said, “we were supposed to hug in the airport and say “wow we finally did it.”

I’m gonna go wipe my tears on my pillow and listen to my husband snore and wonder why I did a huge giant circle just to be right back…. He always said someday….he said I just had to believe in him. He forgot to tell me to believe in myself. I’m disappointed in me too. I’m trying so hard not to be so angry at him for not doing this ….then. I’m trying so hard to remember that I am the one that wasn’t strong enough to go it alone….was afraid of losing “Bucky”……….without him I was weak. I’ve been weak ever since about all the stupid things I’ve been doing.

I can’t love anyone til I love myself enough to get it together and I have tried and tried and failed and failed… fuck…

When I left I just wanted him to be there long enough for me to make it....I needed him and he wasn't there and without him I couldn't.

He tried so hard to win his case, to hear me say "yes get on the plane" I never thought in all my life I would hear "him" wave his heart in the air like that. I never believed enough....I never got it together. Everyone says I'm so damn strong...and I had it all right there and I couldn't see past my face.

too many tears to type…

PoeticaL...

Me: i'm not this mentally close to anyone else and never have been in all my life and you want me to view you like I view every other brain dead male that called himself my friend?

"Him": yes just another friend you get to meet that you met online

That will never be my viewpoint. 3 years and a million hours and a thousand tears....will never be the same.

The first time he and I met he told me "there are 9.9 million people online if you don't like me roll the dice again"

Tonight he said, "if you won't let me move forward I have to move away."

9.9 million people can't stop it from hurting.

And I said someday
I'll get my life straight...
And she said it's too late
What's done is done
And I told her someday
She said I can't wait
'Cause sometimes someday just never comes


I know you'll come back someday
On a bed of nails I'll wait
I'm praying that you don't burn out
Or fade away

2:22 a.m. ::
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