argh....fuck and every other swear word...
t: K...tell me what you want me to do.
me: i want you to love me back
t: I do love you
t: why would you think anything different?
me: every now and then I get this feeling that you
want every part of me but me
me: you want to come see me....have something special
for a week.... go back to your life
t: K....
me: what?
t: you live and work in ...
t: I would be living and working in�
t: that is a bit of a commute every morning..dont you
think?
me: ok goodbye
t: ok
me: geez
t: what?
me: that was easy enough
t: I think that I told you before...
t: that I would not let you see me hurt ...right
me: listen I was on this ride before
me: this ride where I would have done anything
me: this ride where I wanted to walk away from my life
for love.... for a life I wanted
me: and that wasn't enough
me: he wouldn't let me
me: then I got on the ride of "lets see what happens"
me: what happened?
me: he used me and he went home and now he's fucking
with my head every chance he gets saying "come live in
.." and its too late cause love doesn't fuck you and
leave for 3 weeks and forget you and then come back
me: and then i met someone that mattered in a different
way
me: someone that made me believe in all those things
like I was never hurt before
me: and now I"m wondering is it enough if I just love
you
me: or am I just on some fucked up ride again in
denial
me: and is this easy to say this?
me: to bring this all up?
me: nope
me: its not
me: cause i'm terrified inside what it would be like
to not know that you are just ok somewhere
me: but is it enough that i love you like that?
me: is my loving someone ever going to be just enough?
t: why wouldn't it be?
me: because it never has been before
me: i ripped my soul out...watched it walked
over...all for the sake of love
me: over and over and over and over
me: and just because right now I'm begging you to not
let me just do that because maybe you just want a good
fuck
me: i'm bad
me: I�m bad because I'm trying not to get lost
me: ?????///
t: no you are not bad...
t: don't ever think that....
t: it sucks to be lost...
me: brb
t: ok
t: mee too
me: i'm back
me: ok so I think I have it figured out... you come
see me...we'll fuck like mad...then you go back to ft
� cause that's where your life is and i'll crawl
into bed with husband and that's that.... no more
confusion
me: or wait I know....
me: we could just talk to each other
forever....torture each other forever...and I'll pine
away for you forever...
me: that might work too
t: ok
me: ok what?
t: your call
me: grrr stop that
me: say something but don't say that
me: tell me what you want
t: the only thing I have ever wanted was a friend...
t: someone I could talk about anything with..
t: someone who wouldn't think me bad..
t: because of the thoughts I have..
t: someone who accepted me as me
t: I dont know
me: ok
t: I dont know if I know anything any more
me: what does that mean?
me: listen...I've just been here before
me: right here before
me: where it all feels wonderful and nice and nothing
about anything feels bad
me: and somehow it gets all distorted along the way
me: two people can't spend all this time talking to
each other and not want other things
me: and if you're lifes always going to be somewhere
else then is it fair for me to want to be a part of it?
t: yes it is fair
me: t: you live and work in ...
t: I would be living and working in
t: that is a bit of a cummute every morning..dont you
think?
t: so do you want me to say pack everything up and
move in with me?
me: nope
me: you can't say that
me: there's no way you could sit there now and say
that
me: we haven't even met
me: you don't truly even know if you want to touch me
for real
me: you just think right now that you do
t: what are we going to do K?
me: good question
me: i just know i'm not going to fall into this trap
where I love you and you don't love me back enough
me: and then I'm sitting somewhere saying "geez why'd
I do that again?"
t: I understand
me: thats why I ask you over and over again...
me: the stuff I ask you
me: because I've been here before �t�
me: i just spent 2 1/2 years of my life being close to
someone that still has the nerve to call me up
everytime his lifes difficult and want me to be there
for him and yet .... i wasn't enough...
me: and call me crazy but I can't turn my back on
people because that's all anyone ever does to me
t: nothing crazy about that
me: and so I end up in this place where I let people
take pieces of me..the pieces that they want.... and
they never want it all
me: and I feel like i'm never going to be good enough
for anyone because if i was people wouldn't just take
what they wanted and split
t: when will you relize that you are good enough?
t: and
me: when it happens �t�
t: so that still leaves us with the question, "what
are we going to do K?"
me: i don't know
me: i can't answer certain things for you
me: the only thing I can tell you is that i don't want
you to make promises you can't live up to
me: and you don't need to lie to me for me to want to
give you what I want to give
me: and if your lifes always gonna be somewhere else
and thats how you want it, then so be it
me: i can't ask anyone for things they don't want to
give
me: i don't want em that way anyways
t: I don't know where my life will be
me: yup I know that too
me: besides...you're better off
me: i'm a fucking mess
me: just like I said the first day around
t: I don't think you are a mess....
t: I know quite a bit about you...
t: and I haven't turned an ran now have I
me: no
t: everyone has issues...
t: I have them too.
me: ya know what the problem here is?
t: whats that?
me: i love you so much it hurts
me: i love you like that and I've never touched you
me: and then I think ...what am I doing... if he does
this same stuff... its gonna crack me wide open and
I"m really gonna lose it
t: so maybe we should back off a little.......because
t: with my history..
t: I can not make any promises to you
me: ok just go then
me: just go away
t: but I dont want to
me: and forget about me
t: do you think that is possible?
me: sure why not
t: becasue regardless of what you think ....you are
all that
me: doesn't much matter now does it
me: doesn't much matter either way
t: ok
me: i can be all that sitting in a corner all by
myself....
me: you follow
me: what good is it to be anything if no one wants to
know
t: I want to know
me: do you understand anything that i've said
t: yes
t: fine
me: sometimes I don't even know if I make sense to
myself
me: i don't want you to say "fine" to me
me: fine is a cop out
t: yes it is
me: all this and you're gonna cop out on me?
t: I gave up a long time ago on trying to change
peoples opinions and feelings
me: thanks for giving up on me �t�
t: do you want me to make a bunch of promises to
you....that I dont know that I can keep?
me: nope
t: what then ....tell me?
me: i don't know
me: i just know i dont' want to ever be sorry about
you
me: i've been sorry about too many other things
me: i see you as something good...
t: are you now?
me: no I'm not sorry
me: i'm not sorry about anything
me: and i do love you
me: i just can't sit here and pretend that this is not
hard
me: or that I'm not feeling all of these things
me: that I don't wonder sometimes if you just want to
come rock my world...then go right back to your own
t: I don't know what to say.
me: something...
me: try something
me: is that what you want �t�?
t: what to rock your world then go back to my own?
me: yes
t: I do want to rock your world.....
t: I want to show you that someone can love you for
who you are...
t: not for what you can do...
t: but I cant promise anything to you...
t: I told you in the beginning...
t: that I am not all that...
t: I am a womanizer....
t: and even a freak at times...
t: and that I don't want to hurt you...but it looks
like I failed at that one
me: did I say I was hurt?
t: nope...but it sounds like it
t: and what happens if I come down...
t: all is hunky dory dandy...
t: the I get shipped to Korea or Kuwait?
t: what then?
me: yeah I know I've thought about it
t: and?
me: and same thing I've always known...that's your
life, I never asked you to change it for me
me: maybe i met someone that matters to me in a way no
one's ever before and I havent' a clue how to deal
with it
t: could be...and I can uderstand that.....
t: becasue of all the stuff that has happened to you
in the past...
t: all the empty promises...
t: all the lies...
t: all the shit heads you have encountered....
t: that is one reason....
t: that I don't make promises to you...
t: because
t: I know that no one can say what the future
holds....
t: we all have wishes and desires...
t: but sometimes things just dont work out the way we
want them to
t: ;-(
me: i mean from the outside looking in youd think I"d
just say "fuck all" and log off and go to bed and
accept the fact that nothing ever goes my way. But I
can't do that because when I tell you that i love
you... I really do"
t: And I love you..and don't want to do anything to
hurt you
me: part of me wonders if I am not just trying to
sabotage something good in my life right now because I
think I don't deserve it
t: it seems like it sometimes...
t: but you deserve good things
t: you deserve to have someone hanging on your every
word for no other reason than they want to...
t: you deserve all that and more
t: i think that you deserve someone better than me
me: �t�?
t: yees k
me: why can't I ever just have what I want to have?
t: I dont know K....
me: just once
me: not every time
me: just once
t: I know
me: and do you know that right now i can hardly breath
and I'm crying my eyes out
t: why are you crying
me: because this... having a conversation with you
like this.. just sucks
t: yes it does....
t: but dont ever cry over me.....or any man for that
reason
me: i always love too hard
t: no you dont
t: there is no such thing.
me: are you telling me that its ok that i love you
like this?
t: there is nothing bad about it...
me: mostly I get the feeling from you that its not ok
t: whys that?
me: that you don't know if you want me to
me: because maybe if I just thought you were pretty
cool and that was it, it would be a lot easier
t: I am afraid that I might do something to screw it
all up is all
me: maybe if I didn't have so many feelings
me: i just don't know how to deal with all of this the
right way
me: i just have been here before and I know I
obviously did something wrong before
t: no you didn't...
me: there was one common denomiator everytime... me
t: and you need to stop thinking that things are your
fault
t: and the one common denominator in YOUR life will
always be YOU...
me: yeah..me sitting in some corner....scribbling on
paper
t: that doesn;t make every thing your fault
me: i spent a long time being numb...sometimes that's
right where I wanna go back
me: it was a lot easier than thinking I wanted
something else
me: so I'll go lay in bed....and forget that i dont
want to be there
me: and I'll plaster some plastic smile on my face
me: and only smile real for my son
me: and life will go on
me: just like that
me: and every friday i'll rent a movie and stare
mindlessly at the tv
me: and every day will go by
me: and life will just happen
t: if that is what you want to do....there isn't much
I can do about it
t: something that you might not have relized about
me...
me: doesn't ever seem to change anything if I want
me: it just hurts to want
me: because when I want I never get
t: yes it does hurt...
t: and something eles...
t: oh .,.....I dont know
me: say it
t: I just feel like pulling my protective curtain
around myself...
t: and saying just f*k it.......it is some much easier
that way
me: �t� tell me what you want me to do
t: I want you to be happy
me: don't you wish that just came in a pill
t: yep...
t: much easier then.
me: i'm sorry i can't get my head straight
me: im' sorry �t�
me: i'm sorry
t: dont be...
t: I should be sorry...
t: for not being able to say...everything will be
perfect from now on...
me: no one can promise that to any other person
me: i don't want that from you
me: i just don't want to paint pictures of how its
ever going to be when neither of us knows
t: right
me: i want to love you with all my heart because
that's where my heart keeps wanting to go
me: i want someone to tell me its ok for me to love
you like that
t: it is ok
me: are you sure?
t: i am sure...
t: but I think that you deserve better
me: stop that
t: do you want me to say that I am all that and bag of
chips?
t: I can't
me: �t�... if all I ever wanted in life was ten cents
and you had five in your pocket....would you give me
all five?
t: yes
me: thats all I want
me: i want to give you everything I have to give
knowing that you would do that in return
t: I want to give you more than I have
me: then... let me be neurotic and scared half out of
my mind.. because I never loved anyone like this...
and you're freaking 7,000 miles away and you talk to
me about wanting to rock my world and I just don't
want that to be all you want
t: *sigh*
me: what?
t: that is all I really know about...
me: i'm a nut case right?
t: that is the only way I know how to express
stuff.....no you are not a nut case
t: so am I wrong for wanting to rock your world?
me: no way
me: i want you to do that
me: but what you don't understand is you ALREADY do
that
me: you don't have to physically touch me to do that
t: i believe you..
me: ya know what my biggest fear is right now?
t: whats that?
me: waking up some day and you're not there anymore
t: why sould I not be here?
me: told ya I'm a nutcase
t: you mean like get killed or something?
me: are you saying that's the only way you'd go
away...out of my life?
t: I told you before.....
t: no matter what happens....
t: I want you to be a friend first
me: ditto... I agree with that
t: so why would I go away
me: i don't know.. why do they all do that?
t: I might not have access to communications stuff for
awhile...but I will always come front
t: ok?
me: yes baby
t: so now what are we going to do?
t: becasue...
t: 1.. you need some sleep
t: 2. I should work
t: and 3..
t: I still want to rock your world
t: ?
me: lol
me: i don't know... tell me how to do this again
me: tell me how to go blindly into the gingerbread
house and forget that there's a bad witch in that
joint
me: cause your candy is so sweet
me: i would kill to just lick you
t: it is easy....
t: it helps to use a little lubricant though
me: lol
me: i'm gonna say this once
t: ok
me: i'm gonna have you
me: watch and see
t:
me: and you will find a way to come front
t: how are you gonna have ?
me: and then its not gonna be enough
me: and you will find a way
t: of course I will
me: i'm gonna have you in every way
me: physically mentally and then some
me: watch and see
t: I believe you
me: you should
t: even if it might only be a week at a time?
me: a week at a time with you.. would be worth every
torturous hour in between
t: :-)
t: I love you K
me: i believe that you do
me: any boy that would sit through that tantrum I just
took...must
t: LOL
t: ok...fine
me: that was pretty bad
me: i'm sorry
t:
t: it is ok..
t: you have every right
me: i'm truly struggling with all of this �t�
t: i know...
me: i was supposed to come tell you "thanks for
fighting over there for me" and that was it
t: but even I get frustrated when you talk like that
sometimes
me: i wasn't supposed to fall for you
me: i was supposed to say "hey you have the hottest
bedroom eyes...thanks for being at war and stuff..have
a nice day"
t: ;-)
me: maybe I shoulda just done that and split?
t: *shrugs*
me: �t�?
t: yes k
me: no matter what I'm not sorry about you
me: not one bit
t: ;-)
me: go ahead....rip my heart out .... rock my
world...do what ever you wanna do
me: i'll never be sorry
t: ;-)
t: good...
t: becasue I am only going to say this once
me: ok...
t: once I get back...
t: I am going to have you
t: have you in ways that you didn;t think were
physically possible
me: :-)
t: and
t: your face will be more like
t: ;-)
me: lol
t: when I am done!
t: so there
t: hmpft
me: hey �t�...
t: yes love
me: i have one thing to say
me: "ok"
t: shoot
t: :-)
t: good...
t: then it is a date!
t: dinner....
me: <---spits on hand....holds it out
t: movie...
t: <----licks Ks hand clean
me: mmmmmmm
t: a movie...
t: and wild freaky monkey dancing
t: ok
me: ok
t: oh...
t: monkey
t: not money
me: i wish you luck leaving me after that
me: you'll need it
t: i believe you...
t: as much as you know about me already
me: as much more as I will know before then...
me: �t�?
t: yes k
me: i love you... thanks for not letting me run away
t: i love you too...and no need to thank me
t: you know what they say
t: if you love something then set it free...
t: if it comes back it is yours...
me: yes...
t: if it doesn't
t: then hunt it down and
t: well you get the picture
me: yup
me: ok go work baby
t: go to sleep
me: I gotta go lay down for at least an hour or
something
t: ok
me: i slept all day so I'm ok
me: but...
me: ok...
me: goodnight
t: but?
t: g'night Princess
me: but I should lay down and close my eyes once or
twice
t: <----kisses K gently on the cheek
t: <----tucks her in
t: g'night love
me: <---grins under the blankets
t: <---rolls K over and gives her something to
dream about
t:
me: lol bad bad �t�
t: LOL
t: go to sleep now babe
t: :-)
me: ok g'night
t: I love you K
t: now log off
me: i love you right front
t: dont type
t: log off
t: :-)
t: buh bye
t: you are still there
t: I see you there
t: hey sleep
t: k?
t: ok
t: you forgot to log out
me: nope
t: it is ok...
me: you need to shuddup
me: lol
t: hey
t: snot
t: sleep
t: sleep
t: sleep
t: sleep
t: sex
t: sleep
t: sleep
t: sleep
t: sleep