PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

argh....fuck and every other swear word...

Monday, Aug. 12, 2002
I cant believe I am doing this to myselfagain.

t: K...tell me what you want me to do.

me: i want you to love me back

t: I do love you

t: why would you think anything different?

me: every now and then I get this feeling that you

want every part of me but me

me: you want to come see me....have something special

for a week.... go back to your life

t: K....

me: what?

t: you live and work in ...

t: I would be living and working in

t: that is a bit of a commute every morning..dont you

think?

me: ok goodbye

t: ok

me: geez

t: what?

me: that was easy enough

t: I think that I told you before...

t: that I would not let you see me hurt ...right

me: listen I was on this ride before

me: this ride where I would have done anything

me: this ride where I wanted to walk away from my life

for love.... for a life I wanted

me: and that wasn't enough

me: he wouldn't let me

me: then I got on the ride of "lets see what happens"

me: what happened?

me: he used me and he went home and now he's fucking

with my head every chance he gets saying "come live in

.." and its too late cause love doesn't fuck you and

leave for 3 weeks and forget you and then come back

me: and then i met someone that mattered in a different

way

me: someone that made me believe in all those things

like I was never hurt before

me: and now I"m wondering is it enough if I just love

you

me: or am I just on some fucked up ride again in

denial

me: and is this easy to say this?

me: to bring this all up?

me: nope

me: its not

me: cause i'm terrified inside what it would be like

to not know that you are just ok somewhere

me: but is it enough that i love you like that?

me: is my loving someone ever going to be just enough?

t: why wouldn't it be?

me: because it never has been before

me: i ripped my soul out...watched it walked

over...all for the sake of love

me: over and over and over and over

me: and just because right now I'm begging you to not

let me just do that because maybe you just want a good

fuck

me: i'm bad

me: Im bad because I'm trying not to get lost

me: ?????///

t: no you are not bad...

t: don't ever think that....

t: it sucks to be lost...

me: brb

t: ok

t: mee too

me: i'm back

me: ok so I think I have it figured out... you come

see me...we'll fuck like mad...then you go back to ft

cause that's where your life is and i'll crawl

into bed with husband and that's that.... no more

confusion

me: or wait I know....

me: we could just talk to each other

forever....torture each other forever...and I'll pine

away for you forever...

me: that might work too

t: ok

me: ok what?

t: your call

me: grrr stop that

me: say something but don't say that

me: tell me what you want

t: the only thing I have ever wanted was a friend...

t: someone I could talk about anything with..

t: someone who wouldn't think me bad..

t: because of the thoughts I have..

t: someone who accepted me as me

t: I dont know

me: ok

t: I dont know if I know anything any more

me: what does that mean?

me: listen...I've just been here before

me: right here before

me: where it all feels wonderful and nice and nothing

about anything feels bad

me: and somehow it gets all distorted along the way

me: two people can't spend all this time talking to

each other and not want other things

me: and if you're lifes always going to be somewhere

else then is it fair for me to want to be a part of it?

t: yes it is fair

me: t: you live and work in ...

t: I would be living and working in

t: that is a bit of a cummute every morning..dont you

think?

t: so do you want me to say pack everything up and

move in with me?

me: nope

me: you can't say that

me: there's no way you could sit there now and say

that

me: we haven't even met

me: you don't truly even know if you want to touch me

for real

me: you just think right now that you do

t: what are we going to do K?

me: good question

me: i just know i'm not going to fall into this trap

where I love you and you don't love me back enough

me: and then I'm sitting somewhere saying "geez why'd

I do that again?"

t: I understand

me: thats why I ask you over and over again...

me: the stuff I ask you

me: because I've been here before t

me: i just spent 2 1/2 years of my life being close to

someone that still has the nerve to call me up

everytime his lifes difficult and want me to be there

for him and yet .... i wasn't enough...

me: and call me crazy but I can't turn my back on

people because that's all anyone ever does to me

t: nothing crazy about that

me: and so I end up in this place where I let people

take pieces of me..the pieces that they want.... and

they never want it all

me: and I feel like i'm never going to be good enough

for anyone because if i was people wouldn't just take

what they wanted and split

t: when will you relize that you are good enough?

t: and

me: when it happens t

t: so that still leaves us with the question, "what

are we going to do K?"

me: i don't know

me: i can't answer certain things for you

me: the only thing I can tell you is that i don't want

you to make promises you can't live up to

me: and you don't need to lie to me for me to want to

give you what I want to give

me: and if your lifes always gonna be somewhere else

and thats how you want it, then so be it

me: i can't ask anyone for things they don't want to

give

me: i don't want em that way anyways

t: I don't know where my life will be

me: yup I know that too

me: besides...you're better off

me: i'm a fucking mess

me: just like I said the first day around

t: I don't think you are a mess....

t: I know quite a bit about you...

t: and I haven't turned an ran now have I

me: no

t: everyone has issues...

t: I have them too.

me: ya know what the problem here is?

t: whats that?

me: i love you so much it hurts

me: i love you like that and I've never touched you

me: and then I think ...what am I doing... if he does

this same stuff... its gonna crack me wide open and

I"m really gonna lose it

t: so maybe we should back off a little.......because

t: with my history..

t: I can not make any promises to you

me: ok just go then

me: just go away

t: but I dont want to

me: and forget about me

t: do you think that is possible?

me: sure why not

t: becasue regardless of what you think ....you are

all that

me: doesn't much matter now does it

me: doesn't much matter either way

t: ok

me: i can be all that sitting in a corner all by

myself....

me: you follow

me: what good is it to be anything if no one wants to

know

t: I want to know

me: do you understand anything that i've said

t: yes

t: fine

me: sometimes I don't even know if I make sense to

myself

me: i don't want you to say "fine" to me

me: fine is a cop out

t: yes it is

me: all this and you're gonna cop out on me?

t: I gave up a long time ago on trying to change

peoples opinions and feelings

me: thanks for giving up on me t

t: do you want me to make a bunch of promises to

you....that I dont know that I can keep?

me: nope

t: what then ....tell me?

me: i don't know

me: i just know i dont' want to ever be sorry about

you

me: i've been sorry about too many other things

me: i see you as something good...

t: are you now?

me: no I'm not sorry

me: i'm not sorry about anything

me: and i do love you

me: i just can't sit here and pretend that this is not

hard

me: or that I'm not feeling all of these things

me: that I don't wonder sometimes if you just want to

come rock my world...then go right back to your own

t: I don't know what to say.

me: something...

me: try something

me: is that what you want t?

t: what to rock your world then go back to my own?

me: yes

t: I do want to rock your world.....

t: I want to show you that someone can love you for

who you are...

t: not for what you can do...

t: but I cant promise anything to you...

t: I told you in the beginning...

t: that I am not all that...

t: I am a womanizer....

t: and even a freak at times...

t: and that I don't want to hurt you...but it looks

like I failed at that one

me: did I say I was hurt?

t: nope...but it sounds like it

t: and what happens if I come down...

t: all is hunky dory dandy...

t: the I get shipped to Korea or Kuwait?

t: what then?

me: yeah I know I've thought about it

t: and?

me: and same thing I've always known...that's your

life, I never asked you to change it for me

me: maybe i met someone that matters to me in a way no

one's ever before and I havent' a clue how to deal

with it

t: could be...and I can uderstand that.....

t: becasue of all the stuff that has happened to you

in the past...

t: all the empty promises...

t: all the lies...

t: all the shit heads you have encountered....

t: that is one reason....

t: that I don't make promises to you...

t: because

t: I know that no one can say what the future

holds....

t: we all have wishes and desires...

t: but sometimes things just dont work out the way we

want them to

t: ;-(

me: i mean from the outside looking in youd think I"d

just say "fuck all" and log off and go to bed and

accept the fact that nothing ever goes my way. But I

can't do that because when I tell you that i love

you... I really do"

t: And I love you..and don't want to do anything to

hurt you

me: part of me wonders if I am not just trying to

sabotage something good in my life right now because I

think I don't deserve it

t: it seems like it sometimes...

t: but you deserve good things

t: you deserve to have someone hanging on your every

word for no other reason than they want to...

t: you deserve all that and more

t: i think that you deserve someone better than me

me: t?

t: yees k

me: why can't I ever just have what I want to have?

t: I dont know K....

me: just once

me: not every time

me: just once

t: I know

me: and do you know that right now i can hardly breath

and I'm crying my eyes out

t: why are you crying

me: because this... having a conversation with you

like this.. just sucks

t: yes it does....

t: but dont ever cry over me.....or any man for that

reason

me: i always love too hard

t: no you dont

t: there is no such thing.

me: are you telling me that its ok that i love you

like this?

t: there is nothing bad about it...

me: mostly I get the feeling from you that its not ok

t: whys that?

me: that you don't know if you want me to

me: because maybe if I just thought you were pretty

cool and that was it, it would be a lot easier

t: I am afraid that I might do something to screw it

all up is all

me: maybe if I didn't have so many feelings

me: i just don't know how to deal with all of this the

right way

me: i just have been here before and I know I

obviously did something wrong before

t: no you didn't...

me: there was one common denomiator everytime... me

t: and you need to stop thinking that things are your

fault

t: and the one common denominator in YOUR life will

always be YOU...

me: yeah..me sitting in some corner....scribbling on

paper

t: that doesn;t make every thing your fault

me: i spent a long time being numb...sometimes that's

right where I wanna go back

me: it was a lot easier than thinking I wanted

something else

me: so I'll go lay in bed....and forget that i dont

want to be there

me: and I'll plaster some plastic smile on my face

me: and only smile real for my son

me: and life will go on

me: just like that

me: and every friday i'll rent a movie and stare

mindlessly at the tv

me: and every day will go by

me: and life will just happen

t: if that is what you want to do....there isn't much

I can do about it

t: something that you might not have relized about

me...

me: doesn't ever seem to change anything if I want

me: it just hurts to want

me: because when I want I never get

t: yes it does hurt...

t: and something eles...

t: oh .,.....I dont know

me: say it

t: I just feel like pulling my protective curtain

around myself...

t: and saying just f*k it.......it is some much easier

that way

me: t tell me what you want me to do

t: I want you to be happy

me: don't you wish that just came in a pill

t: yep...

t: much easier then.

me: i'm sorry i can't get my head straight

me: im' sorry t

me: i'm sorry

t: dont be...

t: I should be sorry...

t: for not being able to say...everything will be

perfect from now on...

me: no one can promise that to any other person

me: i don't want that from you

me: i just don't want to paint pictures of how its

ever going to be when neither of us knows

t: right

me: i want to love you with all my heart because

that's where my heart keeps wanting to go

me: i want someone to tell me its ok for me to love

you like that

t: it is ok

me: are you sure?

t: i am sure...

t: but I think that you deserve better

me: stop that

t: do you want me to say that I am all that and bag of

chips?

t: I can't

me: t... if all I ever wanted in life was ten cents

and you had five in your pocket....would you give me

all five?

t: yes

me: thats all I want

me: i want to give you everything I have to give

knowing that you would do that in return

t: I want to give you more than I have

me: then... let me be neurotic and scared half out of

my mind.. because I never loved anyone like this...

and you're freaking 7,000 miles away and you talk to

me about wanting to rock my world and I just don't

want that to be all you want

t: *sigh*

me: what?

t: that is all I really know about...

me: i'm a nut case right?

t: that is the only way I know how to express

stuff.....no you are not a nut case

t: so am I wrong for wanting to rock your world?

me: no way

me: i want you to do that

me: but what you don't understand is you ALREADY do

that

me: you don't have to physically touch me to do that

t: i believe you..

me: ya know what my biggest fear is right now?

t: whats that?

me: waking up some day and you're not there anymore

t: why sould I not be here?

me: told ya I'm a nutcase

t: you mean like get killed or something?

me: are you saying that's the only way you'd go

away...out of my life?

t: I told you before.....

t: no matter what happens....

t: I want you to be a friend first

me: ditto... I agree with that

t: so why would I go away

me: i don't know.. why do they all do that?

t: I might not have access to communications stuff for

awhile...but I will always come front

t: ok?

me: yes baby

t: so now what are we going to do?

t: becasue...

t: 1.. you need some sleep

t: 2. I should work

t: and 3..

t: I still want to rock your world

t: ?

me: lol

me: i don't know... tell me how to do this again

me: tell me how to go blindly into the gingerbread

house and forget that there's a bad witch in that

joint

me: cause your candy is so sweet

me: i would kill to just lick you

t: it is easy....

t: it helps to use a little lubricant though

me: lol

me: i'm gonna say this once

t: ok

me: i'm gonna have you

me: watch and see

t:

me: and you will find a way to come front

t: how are you gonna have ?

me: and then its not gonna be enough

me: and you will find a way

t: of course I will

me: i'm gonna have you in every way

me: physically mentally and then some

me: watch and see

t: I believe you

me: you should

t: even if it might only be a week at a time?

me: a week at a time with you.. would be worth every

torturous hour in between

t: :-)

t: I love you K

me: i believe that you do

me: any boy that would sit through that tantrum I just

took...must

t: LOL

t: ok...fine

me: that was pretty bad

me: i'm sorry

t:

t: it is ok..

t: you have every right

me: i'm truly struggling with all of this t

t: i know...

me: i was supposed to come tell you "thanks for

fighting over there for me" and that was it

t: but even I get frustrated when you talk like that

sometimes

me: i wasn't supposed to fall for you

me: i was supposed to say "hey you have the hottest

bedroom eyes...thanks for being at war and stuff..have

a nice day"

t: ;-)

me: maybe I shoulda just done that and split?

t: *shrugs*

me: t?

t: yes k

me: no matter what I'm not sorry about you

me: not one bit

t: ;-)

me: go ahead....rip my heart out .... rock my

world...do what ever you wanna do

me: i'll never be sorry

t: ;-)

t: good...

t: becasue I am only going to say this once

me: ok...

t: once I get back...

t: I am going to have you

t: have you in ways that you didn;t think were

physically possible

me: :-)

t: and

t: your face will be more like

t: ;-)

me: lol

t: when I am done!

t: so there

t: hmpft

me: hey t...

t: yes love

me: i have one thing to say

me: "ok"

t: shoot

t: :-)

t: good...

t: then it is a date!

t: dinner....

me: <---spits on hand....holds it out

t: movie...

t: <----licks Ks hand clean

me: mmmmmmm

t: a movie...

t: and wild freaky monkey dancing

t: ok

me: ok

t: oh...

t: monkey

t: not money

me: i wish you luck leaving me after that

me: you'll need it

t: i believe you...

t: as much as you know about me already

me: as much more as I will know before then...

me: t?

t: yes k

me: i love you... thanks for not letting me run away

t: i love you too...and no need to thank me

t: you know what they say

t: if you love something then set it free...

t: if it comes back it is yours...

me: yes...

t: if it doesn't

t: then hunt it down and

t: well you get the picture

me: yup

me: ok go work baby

t: go to sleep

me: I gotta go lay down for at least an hour or

something

t: ok

me: i slept all day so I'm ok

me: but...

me: ok...

me: goodnight

t: but?

t: g'night Princess

me: but I should lay down and close my eyes once or

twice

t: <----kisses K gently on the cheek

t: <----tucks her in

t: g'night love

me: <---grins under the blankets

t: <---rolls K over and gives her something to

dream about

t:

me: lol bad bad t

t: LOL

t: go to sleep now babe

t: :-)

me: ok g'night

t: I love you K

t: now log off

me: i love you right front

t: dont type

t: log off

t: :-)

t: buh bye

t: you are still there

t: I see you there

t: hey sleep

t: k?

t: ok

t: you forgot to log out

me: nope

t: it is ok...

me: you need to shuddup

me: lol

t: hey

t: snot

t: sleep

t: sleep

t: sleep

t: sleep

t: sex

t: sleep

t: sleep

t: sleep

t: sleep

9:58 a.m. ::
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