PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

blue....

Thursday, Apr. 20, 2006

Sometimes, every now and then when I’ve slept too long in the afternoon and stay up late at night in a new world where so much has improved, so much has changed and so much of who I am has rearranged, it still comes to me…in full clarity.  A tiny stab of pain…of familiar heartache.  And like the fool that I am, I take my fingertips and peel back the pain and explore it and remember it.  Pulling it from my chest as if my chest is a hope chest in an attic.  I fondle the pain and feel it anew.  I play sad songs and crave cheap wine like the nights of pain that I danced throughout for so many years.  It’s as if that pain, is my old friend and every now and then I just can’t help but re-dance with that ghost.  Just so I can remember….maybe.  Just so I never forget?  Probably.  Maybe because that hope chest is me, it’s me and parts of me hang dormant in broken windows of my soul and I go back, like a fool, I go back and dip my toes, then immerse all of me, all of me back in.  The disappointments, the ache, the pain.  Why do I do this to myself?  Why do I want to swim there again?  Is it not want but something that draws me back so I don’t go there again in future moments?  I can’t quite figure it out.  I know that I still mourn hard….I still mourn for my family, my family I lost then….and wait…then I lost my family again….and now….god is cheating me from having any family…any….and I’m angry and sometimes the old pain reminds me that the new pain’s are so so nothing in comparison….either that or I’m just sadomasochistic and that’s just who I am…..either way I always resort to the same old tunes….like a drunk whino on the dark streets drinking his favorite beer….  I just can’t seem to ever entirely forget those months of my life, so many months…where I did nothing but exist, cry, breath, and try try try to hang on.  They’ve impacted me…and that impact is not good.  The pain has left scars, and the scabs are gone, healed….and yet I see those scars and I’m reminded….deeply.

Maybe it’s that, or I need stronger med’s or I should just avoid Blue Rodeo like the plaque…that could be it. Yes that truly could be it….music..it’s so damn powerful.  It can save you.  It can remind you.  It can bring you to your emotional knees.

 

House of Dreams – Blue Rodeo

Can't stand the sight of myself
Lying in bed all day with curtains drawn
Staring at the clock on the window ledge
The angry words you said come back so strong

Sometimes love quits
When the pieces don't fit
And suddenly all your world falls to the floor
Then all your wild days fall away
You can't see much point in them anymore

In this house of dreams
I let you walk like a ghost unseen
Girl on the day you left
Out walked my everything

I must have thought you'd always be there
I never even noticed when the changes came one day
Seems one minute you were standing close
I turned around again
And girl you were far away

And every plan we made
I just let them fade
And pile up on the floor beside the bed
Now you're gone away
But your memory stays
I sit here thinking of the things I never said

In this house of dreams
I let you walk like a ghost unseen
Girl on the day you left
Out walked my everything

Sometimes love quits
When the pieces don't fit
And suddenly all your world falls to the floor
Then all your wild days fall away
You can't see much point in them anymore

In this house of dreams
I let you walk like a ghost unseen
Girl on the day you left
Out walked my everything

 

Blew it again – Blue Rodeo

 

You can live in the house and I will find
a little place around the corner
trouble comes from the strangest quarters
it snuck up on us now without a warning

Every night I hang my head outside into the stars
it's a wonder I can even talk at all

I walk by kids that hang on corners tripping out
afraid of what they'll miss
late at night I hear other voices crying out
I never wanted this

I played you all my favourite songs
catch you when you fall
you look at me saying that's not it at all

Oh my I can't help wondering why I blew it again
I let you down
I watched your tears come splashing all around
all my life I feel like I've been blind
but the moments that shine
are so hard to find

Hey look those northern lights are dancing
come on out and we'll sit here on the lawn
we won't talk we'll only listen
maybe we can stop what's going on

Every night we look out on what's left of all our dreams
it's a wonder we still can talk at all

Oh my I can't help wondering why I blew it again
I let you down
I watched your tears come splashing on the ground
all my life I feel like I've been blind
but the moments that shine
are so hard to find

 

Already Gone – Blue Rodeo

 

Monday morning waking up
Still too numb to speak
Another night just staring at the wall
Last night's conversation
Knocked me off my feet
I guess today I fall

I wish that we find the words
To look the other way
Be careful of the things we do
And watch the things we say
Maybe then we'd get somewhere
We've never been before
But what's the use in fighting
When you know you've lost the war

Walked the streets of New Orleans
Shirt soaked to my skin
Through the mess of yesterday's parade
A thousand times a day
I think of calling you again
But I come to my senses instead

And every time we walk away
We lose a little time
Pretending to each other
Now that everything is fine
I know whatever lies I use
To get myself to sleep
I’ll wake up to the promises
I know we'll never keep

Say you don't see
What's wrong
Every night
Lasting oh so long
I know I do
already gone

I wonder should I get up
I would but what's the point
Oh when something's gone
It's gone for good
Maybe I could look away
Back to where we used to be
One more time
I wish I could

Never mind the reasons
That tore us all apart
We've both done things
I know we can't defend
What's the use in tracing
It all back to the start
There'll still be something
Missing in the end

I wish that we could find
The words to look the other way
Be careful of the things we do
And everything we say
Maybe then we'd get somewhere
We've never been before
But what's the use in fighting
When you know you've lost the war

Say you don't see
What's wrong
Every night
Lasting oh so long
I know I do
You're already gone
I know
You're already gone

 

Falling Down Blue – Blue Rodeo

 

Everyone tells me I'm lucky
Got my whole life to live yet
I can't say they're wrong
But the days seem so long
Living inside of my head

Maybe I'll get some relief now
Now that your things are all gone
I won't sit here staring
At nothing all night
Bleary-eyed greeting the dawn

All right I miss you tonight
And I'm not really sure what to say
It keeps rolling in like a slow moving train
It gets harder and harder each day
Each time I think that the worst of it's through
I am stopped in my tracks by some vision of you
All right I miss you tonight
I admit that I'm falling down blue

She lived outside of the city
On days when I'd visit her there
I'd watch her out dancing
All lit by the moon
The cold winds of time in her hair

Then we'd go driving for hours
Turn off the lights and just glide
Moving like spirits
Along through the night
The light through the trees as our guide

 

Now and Forever – Blue Rodeo

I don't know if I ever wanted
The things you said we wanted together
Now and forever
Too many nights I'd lie awake
Listening to every breath you'd take
Like a stranger
Feel so out of place there

I don't wonder what went wrong
But I wish your memory would leave me alone
Now and forever

I sit alone in this empty house
And your voice just like a ghost
It comes to me
Chill passes through me
I packed your clothes and photographs
Sent your little treasures back to where you're living
Guess now all's forgiven

I can't believe it's true
I thought I'd always be in love with you
Now and forever

My life goes on just like before
In and out of closing doors
I don't love it
But I learn to rise above it
I found a girl now who will love me the way I want her to
She don't shout it
We don't even talk about it

I can't believe it's true
I thought I'd always be in love with you
Now and forever

 

Bad Timing – Blue Rodeo

Hey it's me what a big surprise
Calling you up from a restaurant
Around the bend
I just got in from way up North
I'm aching tired now
And I could use a friend
I might be a fool
To think that you do
Want to see me again

It's been awhile since I talked to you
Nothing wrong
Just nothing ever goes as planned
Many times I thought I'd call
I didn't have your number in my hand
I know it's true
You'd never do
The same thing to me

I never meant to make you cry
And though I know I shouldn't call
It just reminds us of the cost
Of everything we've lost
Bad timing that's all

Maybe soon there'll come a day
When no more tears will fall
If we each forgive a little bit
And we both look back on it
As just bad timing that's all

We used to have so many plans
Something always seemed to turn out wrong
I never could catch up to you
Moving on and doing what you've done
I don't know why
The harder I try
The harder it comes

I never meant to make you cry
And though I know I shouldn't call
It just reminds us of the cost
Of everything we've lost
Bad timing that's all

Maybe soon there'll come a day
When no more tears will fall
If we each forgive a little bit
When we both look back on it
Just bad timing that's all

 

 

 

 

 

1:26 a.m. ::
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