freedom or education?
Thursday, Jan. 31, 2002
…..until yesterday when Sam came back driving a 1989 Nissan 200x or something like that…I can’t remember exactly what it is now…and Sam says “how about this deal…we trade titles meaning I give you this car and $2500 and you sign your truck title over to me. Husband called me around 3 p.m. and said “I’m getting a sports car!” Sam can sell that truck in Mexico for $7,000!
Ok…so the car is silver with T-tops, has a small dent in the passenger side rear quarter panel, has a kick ass Pioneer removable face plate style CD player in it. To say the least….I’m jealous. Very jealous. My car’s a mess….his car is a “pussy” magnet. Wait, I don’t need that kinda car. I feel bad for Pedro who will have to keep pulling over on the side of the dirt road somewhere and dump a bucket full of water in his new Ford Rangers radiator.
We finally have car insurance. *sigh of relief* He had to pay a nice chunk of money out for that because of his prior D.U.I. And he came home and get this….this is the important part of this insane story…. He gave me $1500!!!! I have cash. I have $1800 cash in my pocket right now at work. I’m afraid to put it down anywhere. My head is racing with the possibilities…
I want to move out, but I want to go to school, but I want to trade my car and ….fuck…it’s like you think once you have some money that it’ll be enough to do something, but the something that it can do leaves out the some things that it can’t do.
I want to move out. I have to move out. But I could go chuck down my money and be in school within a week too. I could go to school for 6 months and get out and have a better paying job and move out then. What’s another 6 months right? No big deal…right?
Wrong! I want to meet “him”. He wants to meet “me”. “He” told me last night that this relationship we’re trying to have is this difficult because we’ve both reached the point of do or die. There’s nowhere else for us to build upon until we meet. I know a relationship is not the stuff to give up your dreams for. But I also know that he would help me and support me in my efforts to go to school and better myself too.
Fuck…this is a complicated mess. And I have a pocketful of cash. Oh and I took his car for a drive last night. It’s pretty “manlike” and I don’t think it’s me. But whoever owned that car prior left a little CD carrier under the visor and I kyped it. It’s mine now. I asked him “did you find anything left in the car?” He said “no”. So its mine. How crap is that of me? HAHAHAHAHAHA…. Oh if you only knew how many of “my” books and CD’s have shown their faces to me in used shops. Yup he sold my stuff….only for me to have to either buy it back or have a mental funeral standing in the store.
There was a really kewl CD in there… Chris Smither – Live as I’ll ever be
All in all I think I made out. I should have talked to “him” about it..not that he’s the answer man but he’s so good with this stuff….sorting it out…and stuff. He’s logical and it cancels out my emotional and we reach a nice compromise.
Now I just have to figure out what the fuck I really want. I want my freedom but I want to be educated too..
Freedom?
Educated?
Freedom?
Educated?
Freedom?
Educated?
ARGH!!!!!
-PoeticaL
But then something makes me listen in,
It rushes to my rescue
That's what's so surprising,
It all seems so well timed,
It would shake a more suspicious mind,
But I just like the sound
It keeps me up on the lowdown,
Up on the lowdown
-Chris Smithers
