cluttering the net since 2001

happy to me

Monday, May. 17, 2004
The past week or so has been hellacious concerning certain issues in my life. I can only take a deep breath and hang on for the ride. Iíve seen errors flying left and right and can only say that its been due to my mental state of affairs in my own mind. I intend to address those issues but in the meantime my surfboard has cracked and Iím nose diving and thank god I know how to swim.

Today is my birthday. A day to ponder the future. Iíve pretty much given up on digging into the past. It is my current finding that those that cannot let go of the past are the same individuals that never move on into a brighter future. So it is with this current birthday that I have decided to determine within that I am moving always forward and letting go is high on my priority list for this next year. There are all sorts of ways for a person to mark out the moments in their lives and with this birthday I plant a new flag not about where I have been, but rather about where I intend to go.

Rick bought a TV. A nice new clear crisp pictured TV. Ahhh..you donít realize how foggy the view is until you have replaced it. We watched two movies last night and generally just hung out and had a nice time. It was a nice time. It was nice to relax. At one point Chloe was lying between us and I thought ďmaybe this is family..Ē and then that familiar pang of something missing crept in and instead of falling to pieces I took a deep breath. Acceptance is sometimes the only way to lessen the pain. Acceptance that life changes and with those changes we must mold and bend as well.

In the last week or so Iíve spent about $250 on new clothes from eBay. They are all new smaller sizes. I cleaned out my closet (yah itís a full size closet and judging by the fact that Rick has about two shirts hanging in there and a few things lying on the top shelfÖand the bar going across is bending in the middle from the weight of my clothing, I would have to say it is my closet. Things have been slowly trickling in from my latest purchases. While cleaning out and dumping a basket full and a half of clothing I realized that my clothing style has drastically changed. I used to wear nothing that was fitted. I used to wear white white white and regular pants. Boring neutral clothes. That is no longer the case. I now have bright colors and different styles and more daring necklines and I realize that I now wear perfume and bother with more makeup rather than just the standards from the past. It was a revelation and a half to just clear out the old and allow more room for the new. I feel good about these changes and oddly enough the older I get the more I like myself. I donít long to be younger. I long to be wiser. I donít long to be thinner, I now long to be healthier. I donít long to be rich, I long to be secure.

I have been reading a new book, something I picked up on Saturday night and could NOT put down. Itís craziness in my reading world because I have recently gotten so many gifted books (thanks to Sandy again and again for being the only soul to send me presentsÖ) and I have a stack so highÖand then what do I do? I buy another one and come home and feel like a literature failure because I canít possibly keep up. I have more incoming than I can handle right now. Notice Iím not complaining.. ;-) So this new book has grabbed me by the shirt collar and I canít wait to get home today and resume. What is it?? A million little pieces by James Frey. Iím on page 95 and I anticipate that by mid week I may be already done reading this gem of a memoir. And I never was a drug addictÖheís just got a great style of writing. Iím drawn to his repetitive use of words and sentences. I do that in my poetry as much as I allow myself. I was surprised to see it used in this novel and done so well and for the same reasons I myself am drawn to write poetry that way.

Speaking of poetryÖit would appear I have a big huge writerís block. And it bites the big one!!! MP opened a new poetry forum and it looks great, however I have nothing to post that isnít old. It comes and goes in spurts that way sometimes. But when itís gone I miss it and I wonder if it will ever come back. I know that it will but in the interim itís a scary place to be. Itís not normal for me. The healthier I am mentally the less I write, the less I write the less healthy I feel. Wicked cycle.

Happy Birthday to me..from meÖ

12:09 p.m. ::
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