cluttering the net since 2001

i'm so sorry

Monday, Aug. 11, 2003
Where do I begin and where do you end? You are that movement at 2 a.m. in my abdomen at age 22. Bright eyed and scared as I was, I knew I loved you the night you were conceived. I never told anyone how much I wanted you, I kept that hidden deep. Yes I smiled when congratulated. I was blissful and joyful, but I never uttered those words, “oh god what if I harm you?…what if it’s not ok to dip this celery in vinegar and eat it for breakfast because that’s what my body is craving? What if I just can’t do this exactly right? What if…what if….oh god please torment me for life so that this can be just what is. I worried, I fretted, I ran my fingers over booties in places I could hardly afford to take my Volkswagen to. I prayed and sang to you, I wrote to you before you could ever know I was doing so. It was a love letter I will never finish, even after I die. And then you came. You were perfect and I’ll never forget how happy we were. How much you were loved. I’ll never forget holding you late into the night because the nurse forgot all about you, but I didn’t…I knew it was god who allowed that mistake so I could run my fingers through your black silky baby hair. It was me that took all of your clothing off just to see the sweet folds in your thighs when you scrunched up your legs towards the warmth of your own body. I just had to make sure I did everything I could have done for you and that you were alright despite my misdoings in life. I remember the same nurse saying my own mother must have been so proud. My own mother? Tears of grief, happiness, misunderstanding, misguided attempts to explain to strangers... it all flooded over me. But that pain no longer mattered because there you were, all wrinkled yet brand new. All tired but bright eyed. I remember how you turned to me and I was stunned at the irrational amount of responsibility I felt in that one moment. The knowledge that no matter what I ever gave to you, it would not be enough, that no matter what I ever did for you, I should be doing more. I thought it would be a team effort, that love would guide the both of us towards the answers. And that we would be parents that would do everything possible and if not one then the other could make it all up. I thought that we were all 3 in it together. I thought I could always protect you. Until tonight...

Until you said those words and the swimming pool came crumbling in and I tried to hide my tears and think as clear as the water. I tried to look away and hold you all at once. I tried to swallow the horror and eat the anger, and show you that same love, that first night. That first night when you were safe in my arms. When you were innocent and perfect and had an entirely blank page of possibilities for your future. I tried to erase all the bad days and look at you that same way. I didn’t see innocence. I saw concentrated maturity drawn into a face so intellectually artistic, so eloquent were your thoughts, your phrases so well thought out, your fear of how you would be perceived so apparent. In that one moment I knew I somehow failed you in a big way, I somehow didn’t connect the safety belt of happiness around your life, I trusted the wrong team member, I wanted the world to be something it just is not.

Later when you told your story to the police, and the officer stood up and looked me in the eyes and said you were a very smart child, I said thank you. But I don’t know that I deserved a compliment right then. I wanted to rewind you and I back to that room, that night, that white blanket around your face. I wanted to smell you all brand new again…just to believe again in miracles, faith, love, hope. All these things feel so lost to me now.

When I see you now I will forever be sorry. I will forever wonder how someone who claims to love you, love you even more than I, could abuse you and hurt you and torment your sweet candy mind. You will never know I went around the corner to get a soda so I could cry without you. You will never know that my heart will never heal for what was lost in a blink of deny. I love you, more than my own life. I am you more than I will ever again be just myself.

I failed you and for that, when I die I expect to go straight to….
9:33 p.m. ::
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