PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

loves the only house

Sunday, Feb. 03, 2002

Here’s my lovely entry for 3/3/02. My house is being foreclosed upon on Tuesday. Husband wasn’t making the payments like he told me he was. And if one more person tells me he's an asshole I'm going to scream. I ALREADY FUCKING KNOW THAT!!!!!!!!!

I do have money to move out, but not for the deposits on all the utilities. I’m at a loss for what’s going to happen. He says he can refile his bankruptcy and buy some time. I intend to get my shit together and move out.

Last night he took Bucky camping over night. I had the whole house to myself. I talked to “him” for 2 ½ hours. And I have to say, that in all the world, outside of “Bucky” he is the one of the only people that I truly care about.

Heres what I have in this world.

Me
Myself
I
Bucky
Him
Dark

So I suppose that it could be worse. I could be without the last 3. I know that I’ll be ok, I’m just terrified and in a state of disbelief that my life could spiral out of control to this point. And I was trying to be so damned cheerful despite it all.

Last night he told me about his email from blueyed. He told me “I don’t know where this girl got the idea that I wanted to be with her, I mean she knew about you the entire time. I told her.”

He went on to say that two people should be financially secure and set in life before they embark on a relationship because most relationships end over financial/money problems. I think I need to face the facts that he simply doesn’t love me….and I’m not the girl he’s looking for. I need to let go of everything in my life and realize once and for all that I have to simply lose it all in order to hope to ever gain anything back.

I need to talk to him, but I don’t want to call him up in tears….I don’t want to lose him…and yet I don’t think I can be what he wants. I know I shouldn’t feel the need to make that decision for him…but I think its for the best. I’d rather he had some good vision in his head of what I am than to have to tell him all of this that is going on…. That seems so much worse to me.

Its hard to explain. Its hard for anyone to understand how or why I feel everything that I feel for him. But I do. I know that I love him. I know that my days feel like I am walking through the thickness of clouds until he shines that sunshine into it and I know there’s something better out there.

And to think just this morning I was so happy because I went to IHOP and had a diet proof omelet and when she brought me the carbohydrate laden hashbrowns and toast, I pushed them away. I was so proud of myself. What’s the point really? What’s the point in anything I’ve been trying to do?

This all sucks….it wasn’t ever supposed to be like this. My happy little family from 3 ½ years ago was supposed to paint smiles on the walls of this house. Now I’ll be grabbing my belongings like an intruder and fleeing from what is now a crime scene without a thing worth hanging onto anymore.

To borrow "upfromashes" words because they're so fitting...I have bad luck, and then I have some more bad luck, and then my luck gets a little worse, and then to round it all off, I have some really bad luck. Occaisionally I get a break where things are normal, but then the bad luck starts up again.

-PoeticaL


Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain
-Martina McBride
2:56 p.m. ::
prev :: next