PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

mad, pissed, angry, fed up, fuck it

Tuesday, Jul. 16, 2002
Ok, so today Iíve successfully gotten into a fight with husband, mad, Him, and I even got pissed at Unger for a typical Unger comment, but didnít even tell him cause thatís work and I canít fight like a baby ass at work. And so now Iím staring at this big white screen getting ďIím sorryĒ messages from people that have nothing to be sorry about. Iím just so bitchy and so sad inside that I am lashing out. Itís horrible. Iím so fucked up. So needy. So pathetic. So alone. So many things and I canít even figure out why I get like this. I mean my life sucks every damn day. Most days I can paint that smile and hold it all in and go on and do what has to be done. Today I canít. Today everyone and everything hurts. Today I need a Prozac or a sleeping pill. I need things and....this...

ďdonít be madÖplease pleaseĒ

I canít help but be mad. I am human. I can only endure so much. I can only remind myself to love so much. Want so much. And then the not having it all makes me hate everything and everyone. So much anger at the world, and so much held back behind my blue eyes. Always. Itís like a locked door and I hold it all in. Cry in bathrooms, wiping eyes. Reapplying eyeliner in one big long flat word.

Every little thing feels so big. Like shards of glass in my flesh. Everything cuts and then another day comes and I get strong again and it all goes back to numb and then all I want to do is feel. But feeling this much, too much. Itís just too much for me. I always say Iím lost. Iím not lost. If I was lost I wouldnít always remember where I am and how unhappy I am.

ďWhy do you always take everything badly you should know what I mean by now.Ē

I donít know what anybody means. I never know. I only know which words Iíve heard before. I can only know what itís like to be pushed away because thatís all Iíve ever lived. Flat words donít carry emotions every time. Itís a hook and Iím a fish and Iím caught and I die. I die because I canít fight the nylon lines endlessly.

I take everything badly because thatís all Iíve ever been given. Thatís all..just all. Iím not perfect. Iím not all of these things that everyone says I am. Iím scared. Iím crying. And most of allÖall I really am is alone. Words canít hold me, touch me, push my hair out of my wet eyes.

Him: you were kinda fucked up when i met ya
Him: i was supposed to be the fool remember??
Him: If i was the new fool you thought you found, you had intentions of lying to me telling me shit that aint true how in the hell can i be the one whos responsible for fucking with your head when i was the fool and you were the master con
Me: no one that cared about me or knew anything about me would say such a hurtful and untrue thing. I found myself in a big mess and I never came to you for help. And we both know you might have done something to help me. But you are not my fool. You are not my scapegoat or my answer or my solution. I thought you were my friend and I respected you and never came to you for help. I swallowed my lumps and went on. You just....you suck for saying these things to me. I'm not L, I'm not B. I'm kristy...the girl you call when you're upset and need to talk. The girl that has always been in your corner.
Me: you dumped out on our friendship at the worst possible time and it hurt me. That's all I have ever said.
Me: this conversation is over. It's so obvious that you think I'm out to get you or something.
Him: no i dont think that
Him: just leave me out of your sentence when talking about your problems
Me: if I wanted something from you I'd ask for it. I've never asked you for anything. Being my friend...that was always enough.
Him: All i said is you could of left FL long time ago
Him: and you cant argue with that
Me: maybe i wanted a better reason than gee I guess Iíll get a map and just drive til I have no more gas

boy that didnít go wellÖ.and it was left unwell and fuck it. Fuck everyone tonight. Iím so drained. So over it all. Apparently I want everyone to be mad at me because I set out to do it. ChaosÖsee it was too nice. Too quiet. Too right. I had to fuck it up. If youíre not mad at me yet, think of something and just get pissed. Iím a big enough fuck up that Iím sure you can find something wrong with me Try ďpity partyĒ girl. Thatíll work.

Whereís Bernie when I need him?? I want to be a five on the scale Bernie. I feel a 5Ö4Ö3..2Ö.1Ö fuck it just leave me alone. Don't call me, don't talk to me don't promise me a mouthful of nothing that I hang on. I don't want to need it, any of it anymore. I don't mean anyone in particular. I mean just everyone. Every fucking body. oh and this is not P.M.S. because I don't even BLEED! I can't even do that right! And I didn't eat a damn thing all day today and my pants are still tight. And I'm not even 2. This is just insane.
9:40 p.m. ::
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