PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

moving out

Wednesday, Jan. 23, 2002
Last night husband and I had a talk that lasted about an hour. I think he was waiting for “Bucky” to go to bed so that we could talk. And then about the time he and I started to get into a conversation “he” came online and was asking me to come talk to him and I chose to go do that. Go figure…

But here was the jist of what was said. I told him that I need to move out and figure out for sure exactly what it is that I want. I don’t know that I want a divorce or what I want, I just know that right now I’m not happy and I don’t know what to do to make myself happy. I told him how he’s done so many things that its so difficult for me to get past them. And how there are times when I think that everything could be ok but then something happens that is just a reminder for me to remember all the bad stuff that he did.

He said, “if you want to move out and you think that’s going to help you, then I’ll give you the money and help you move out. When I get paid again in two weeks I’ll give you the money to move with. Go find a place you want to live in, but I would prefer that it be close so you can help with Bucky.”

Of course he could be doing this because he intends to run and file for divorce and try to keep “Bucky”. I can’t worry about things I have no control over. I don’t have the money to get an attorney. I’ve had a ton of free counseling sessions with them, where they all tell me the same thing. “Give me $1,500 and I’ll help you.” *sigh*

So…here’s the current plan…I’m going to try to get an apartment that’s right around the block so that I can come back and get Bucky up and ready for school in the morning every morning. And Bucky’s staying in the house. I just can’t afford to get a 2-bedroom apartment or take him with me. And I don’t want to disrupt his life anymore than it already has been and I’m right around the corner….so… I can’t have him move out and me stay in the house because I can’t afford the bills there by myself because of the bankruptcy payment etc on the house right now, that he caused.

I’m taking …well...he said I could take anything I wanted. I made the comment that I don’t have any furniture and he said “you can take whatever you want..” This is the strangest feeling I’ve ever had. 11 years…. Poof… And I’m not crying….I’m not upset. I’m just numb and want to get on with it. I want to cross over the realm of this hell and get to the other side already…

~~~~~~~~~~~

And when it comes to “him” I think I’m wanting something that will just simply never be... I wrote this email to him….and now I’m sitting hesitating to send it…..fuck!

I’ve thought about this all night. I slept about 3 hours last night and this is what I think. I think that I’m not the girl that you’re looking for. I think that for whatever reasons we did get close. I think maybe it was easier for you to talk to someone that was non-threatening to the rest of your life while you tried to get your life straight. And we both know that I truly needed someone to talk to and so it only makes sense that when we found each other…and could talk to each other, that we did and its not a bad thing that we did.

I have tons of choices I could make right now. I am choosing to be selfish maybe and just run off and do what I want. I know I’m being selfish in a way by not wanting to take on the full brunt of the responsibility of my son. And I could end up paying dearly in the end for that one. But right now I am doing what I need to do for myself. I’ve never done it before and its time.

I think the world of you and I know that if I met you and you were the same person that I know you to be, then I would be willing to give up a lot to have you in my life. What bothers me is that I believe that if only one person in a relationship is willing to do that, then there’s never equality about it. I know that you have your reasons for not wanting to give up anything for love, but does that mean I have to accept that for myself? I think when it comes to me I don’t fit that notion in your head of what you’re looking for.

We’re friends…that’s not a bad thing. But I have stronger feelings, and maybe that is….

I told you once that I don’t believe I’ll ever have what I want. You told me to change what I want. I think maybe I need to do just that…


Ugh…why can I never have what it is that I want? And should I send this to him or not….here’s the problem. I know it’ll go on and on forever the way it has and do I want to do this torturous thing to myself to have him in my life….do I want to continue to believe in love? Or am I better off to cut myself off from all of that and go find myself alone…as much as that terrifies me? I think that if I wasn’t right there for him all the time, he’d find out how empty his world would be without me to share with. Maybe he needs to hear how loud silence is….

Maybe I need to just stop everything and say nothing…no email……nothing at all… In one breath he says “I want to meet you”. In the next he tells me “you have to be realistic…it might never happen.” I mean…which is he fighting for? I don’t think I’m sending it…

PoeticaL


And if that’s what you had in mind, oh, if that's what it's all about,
Mama, if that's moving up then I'm movin' out. I'm movin' out…
-Billy Joel

So many faces in and out of my life, some will last, some will just be now and then.
Life is a series of hellos and goodbyes, I'm afraid it's time for goodbye again.
-Billy Joel

9:39 a.m. ::
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