cluttering the net since 2001

will he like it even though its not logical?

Thursday, Dec. 12, 2002
Ok so I debated and debated and finally stuck with my first gift idea for “him” and after much debate now that it’s shipped I have half changed my mind and maybe I shoulda just got him some DVD’s that he asked for and stuck with a sure bet thing. I forgot to include something that I got for him and so now I gotta make another trip to ship that separately. *shrugs* I’ve never been much of an organized Santa.

I am still not in the mood for Christmas but figured I'd throw a sad looking tree on my diary and try to improve my spirits. Ha! I am however anxious to know what “he” got me because he keeps telling me how he’s played with it. And that’s ok by me, if he has played with it. The only thing you can’t play with and then wrap up and give away as a gift, is a vibrator, so I’m not worried about this. I am anxious though and in all honesty the gifts I get from my Internet friends are absolutely the best. Odd how its people you’ve never met that know you so well and give such great gifts.

BraN got his gift and seemed happy with it. He said that we Americaaan’s make much nicer flags that they do in England. This American flag as a gift idea came about after seeing a picture of him in his brand new flat standing in front of a huge British flag. I thought, wouldn’t it be nice for him to have an American flag as well, like a union of friendship or some such sappy thing. He’s happy but in retrospect, I’m wondering if I just don’t give the absolute crappiest gifts, because I try to give something with meaning rather than just giving someone what they want. Its such a toss up of confliction to decide.

Earlier tonight I was cleaning out my jammed up email. I have the worst habit of keeping things hanging around in there forever. I found this entire poem I wrote for MadProphet a long time ago that included this passage

You kiss my hand
With jingle bells,
Sunshine your mouth
Must taste like fairytales

Sometimes I re-read something much later and really truly like it and think I can write and then...sometimes it all seems like total crap. I know it’s all a perspective thing really.

I just came across a buttload of left in there emails from ‘t’ and ya know I haven’t heard from him in so long I have to wonder. And yet there’s a part of me that wonders if it’s not all for the best. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. I do not dislike him nor have I forgotten him and if he comes front ever again I will greet him happily, but time…distance..like this…I’m numb to thoughts of him. It was a nice thing…I have only nice things to say about the experience and yet…again someone is gone.

I think overall I have changed so much. Not so long ago something like this would have me writing a ton of sad poetry about loss etc. I just don’t feel those things. I just want my own living room and I want one wall bright neon green just because I can damnit. I want such different things right now. Love is perhaps overrated and costs far too much. I want to find myself. I want to smile and control my own world.

“He” should get his gift on Monday, I can’t wait to see how this goes over…but I’m thinking that I must be insane to be this jacked up about someone else’s reaction to a gift. But I was the same way last year. I guess it’s just when you want to make someone smile you want them to smile big. But I’m the world’s worst shopper and I never seem to get the gift thing on the mark. Argh…can you tell this is really consuming far too many of my thoughts…

I was productive today at work, I got tons done, and then I came home and did some laundry, washed dishes, ate dinner, straightened up my desk, and I have some more clothes in the dryer. I have been debating doing the exercise tape all night, but someone else is watching tv so…I can’t at the moment. I hate that too. Someday….someday things will all be so different.

I told the lady at the shipping place today what the gift was about and she said, “awww…that’s such a sweet thing to do.” Ok so it’s sweet, but does that mean he’ll like the end result of my one strong thought to send this gift. He’s not whimsical like me, he’s logical to the core. His first question about his gift and what it might be, “is it useful?” Haaaaaaaaa and the answer is NO!

10:14 p.m. ::
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