PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

today I wish I was someone else...

Friday, Mar. 01, 2002
Here I am at the final hours of this whole deal having second thoughts. Wanting to stay in my house and stuff. It’s odd. For so long I didn’t want that stuff and now I am feeling like that’s all I want. I called husband this morning and told him and he said, “I expected you to have these feelings…I just expected them to be a few days ago.” Hmmm…. I’m scared. I think that’s all it really is. I think that I need time on my own to get my head straight and figure out exactly what it is that I want. I wish I could just blink my eyes and be oh so forgiving of him and the things he did to me. I wish I didn’t have so many feelings about “him”. I wish a lot of things.

My horoscope today reads….

“If you've been getting a little better lately about setting goals and staying focused, then just try to do what you can to keep it up right now. A number of important questions should probably be answered by the end of the day. Just try to be prepared to take advantage of any new opportunities that might be entering your life at this time.”


Last night when I talked to “him” we resolved the fact that I’m signing a 7-month lease and trying to get my head and my life straight all by myself. He was under the impression that I wanted to run off to NC and be with him…move in with him. When the fuck did I ever say that? Yeah that’s what I thought… Not now anyways. I need time… I need to find me. And in the meantime I just wanted him to be there for me. To be my friend. Last night the conversation went like this

Me: I’m about to be all alone…and I’m risking everything I own, everything I know, everything I care about to just find peace and to find myself…if I fall flat on my face, I’ll be there on the ground face down all alone. Can’t you just be my friend and be supportive and be positive towards me right now?

Him: You are not alone. I would never let anything happen to you. I would be there…like I have been before. I wasn’t going to leave you stranded in Ohio….I woulda got you back home you know…

He’s right about that…I remember….he was right there willing to help me….and I didn’t have to even ask for his help.

He says he feels “pressured”. That’s not kewl on my part and maybe that’s what I was doing. I suppose I just want to know that I’m not alone….I just feel isolated, empty…alone…

James just told me on the phone that he’ll make sure I never know what its like to not have a ringing phone. Teehee…he’s so sweet.

I feel like a boysick little girl sometimes.

Husband also told me that he wasn’t planning on filing for divorce…just planning on making sure I can get my head straightened out and that I’m ok. Awwww…..when did he get this way? Why’s he this way now when he wasn’t then?

I have free voice mail…meaning its free to me and free for you….call me at 866-206-9071 ext 1485 and for crying out loud please say something positive to me or I’ll go insane feeling miserably alone and uncared for…write me a poem or something….leave me a joke….something! Human voice contact…..mmmmm.

-PoeticaL


So let's all be someone else
I'm tired of being myself
Let's all be someone else

You could be someone else
I know you're tired of yourself
-Cracker
12:49 p.m. ::
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