cluttering the net since 2001


Tuesday, Aug. 15, 2006

Iím eating bowls of chocolate ice cream, writing shoddy papers for college, ignoring phone calls I donít care for and getting pedicures during lunchtime. Iím dreaming endlessly of odd things and buying pretty things for no reason. Iím watching TV for pleasure and turning off the school forum as quickly as I can manage to log in and log out. Iím filling out paperwork for leave of absence excuses from school. Iím counting down hours like candy and counting backwards and forwards and forgetting the past and living in the today, in the now. And for how much more now is there Iím asking and getting little response.

Iím drinking coffee every morning and enjoying the liquid without guilt. Thrilled to see pumpkin, my favorite bliss, I move it around my teeth, my gums feeling the simple grit of each crumb. Iím paying all of my bills early so that no one will have to if there is a later or after. Iím planning on buying band aids and peroxide because this time I will be prepared if this preparation is necessary. Iím complaining to no one, for thereís really little to complain about. I imagine my recovery, my renewal or perhaps my demise. Then realize its like Christmas; I'll just have to wait for the surprise.

I go to grocery stores for the fun of it, looking around like itís a trip to the amusement park. I wonder when next I might have cotton candy and then I tsk tsk myself for wanting sugar. Sugar is bad for you now I tell myself. But myself doesnít care. For right now myself lives like today is the last day and I want dessert for dinner and sex for breakfast and then I want to spend hours petting my dog and listening to Rick breathe at 3 a.m.

I watch rain storms with wonder and awe at the power the sky leashes onto the earth. I imagine lightening to be the ink from an angel's pen.

At work I enjoy the bothersome interruptions, the never ending ringing phone, I even treasure the long boring meetings and the long ranting co-workers, because this is my life. The life that Iíve built. And I want to not lose it or exit from it ever incomplete. This is my life and I want to simply enjoy.

I throw my garbage on the floor of my car, who cares I donít, itís effortless to let go. I take the elevator and stare at the lights as they move; this simple act is a moment that most donít realize exist. I listen to friends complain and I calmly retort, ďlife is a joy if you just , well if you just simply insist.Ē

I donít want to push things nor do I want to wait. I do not want to want more, Iím happy for what it all is, because if you look twice life is just covered with ďelateĒ. I try to slow myself and feel every bone. I try to thank my hands for their skill at dialing the silly telephone. Iím grateful that my body does what it must; I have more hope than I can gather my trust.

Iím floating on wishes and memories and dancing like fireflies in a jar. I just hope that the doctor can pour me back out with the dusk. I plan nothing and do little and call it a vacation, I ask for more than I used to but I donít care if they comply.

They keep asking me how Iím doing and how I might have to adjust. I think Iíve moved a million miles and yet Iím as still as the dust. It lays heavy on the top of my dresser. I think perhaps I should clean it but instead I just...

8:28 a.m. ::
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