I’m drinking coffee every morning and enjoying the liquid without guilt. Thrilled to see pumpkin, my favorite bliss, I move it around my teeth, my gums feeling the simple grit of each crumb. I’m paying all of my bills early so that no one will have to if there is a later or after. I’m planning on buying band aids and peroxide because this time I will be prepared if this preparation is necessary. I’m complaining to no one, for there’s really little to complain about. I imagine my recovery, my renewal or perhaps my demise. Then realize its like Christmas; I'll just have to wait for the surprise.

I go to grocery stores for the fun of it, looking around like it’s a trip to the amusement park. I wonder when next I might have cotton candy and then I tsk tsk myself for wanting sugar. Sugar is bad for you now I tell myself. But myself doesn’t care. For right now myself lives like today is the last day and I want dessert for dinner and sex for breakfast and then I want to spend hours petting my dog and listening to Rick breathe at 3 a.m.

I watch rain storms with wonder and awe at the power the sky leashes onto the earth. I imagine lightening to be the ink from an angel's pen.

At work I enjoy the bothersome interruptions, the never ending ringing phone, I even treasure the long boring meetings and the long ranting co-workers, because this is my life. The life that I’ve built. And I want to not lose it or exit from it ever incomplete. This is my life and I want to simply enjoy.

I throw my garbage on the floor of my car, who cares I don’t, it’s effortless to let go. I take the elevator and stare at the lights as they move; this simple act is a moment that most don’t realize exist. I listen to friends complain and I calmly retort, “life is a joy if you just , well if you just simply insist.”

I don’t want to push things nor do I want to wait. I do not want to want more, I’m happy for what it all is, because if you look twice life is just covered with “elate”. I try to slow myself and feel every bone. I try to thank my hands for their skill at dialing the silly telephone. I’m grateful that my body does what it must; I have more hope than I can gather my trust.

I’m floating on wishes and memories and dancing like fireflies in a jar. I just hope that the doctor can pour me back out with the dusk. I plan nothing and do little and call it a vacation, I ask for more than I used to but I don’t care if they comply.