PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

talk about your brutal truth....

Sunday, Jun. 09, 2002
She said…. I have had this reaction to my diary before. I suppose because I just don’t have anyone to worry about. Meaning that I don’t have family that could come across my diary and annihilate me for what I say. But thanks for your kind words. Someone appreciates my newfound brutal honesty.

This morning James read my entry from last night 4 a.m. and came to realize what a fucking mess I really am. He wrote me a long long email and he was right right right about me and I think the fact that he figured me all out…..gets to me in the strangest but kewlest of ways.

He admitted to his absence, his negligence so to speak…and we talked it out. He’s no longer mad….but he had sent me this insanely long email that said….well it said some mean things and some truthful things….and in all fairness and honesty here ya have it…

Kristy,

I awoke this morning very happy, with a huge smile on my face. Last was wonderful. It was the happiest I was in a long time. So when I got myself together this morning, I decided I thought I would check out your webpage diary. Well……………………..

Needless to say I was shocked and DEEPLY hurt what to find what I read………….

Let me break it down just EXACTLY how hurt you have made me and how much of a fool I feel right now.

“And then I had this conversation shortly afterwards. With Tim. I met Tim on hotornot when I posted my picture while living alone. Tim is the person who knows what my past with my mom etc is like and understands it in a way no one ever has before. I picked him and he picked me right back. We are so mutual it blows me away. There’s this big giant part of me that just knows.

And after conversations like this….I dunno it’s almost 4 a.m. and maybe he’s just drunk and I’m stupid and want to believe so badly…maybe I’m just tired and….maybe he’s just drunk and tired…I’ll ask him again tomorrow…right now I’m just ….I don’t even have a word for what I am just… I’m

Confused
Scared
Happy
Hopeful

and I am a thousand other words that have never been invented”

I never knew you had someone else in the picture. Boy was I shocked to this see this development……..Let me read further what you had to say between you and you other boyfriend…………..This really threw me for a loop.

Me: I really wanna know
Tim: i honestly wish i didn't have to spend a day without you
Me: awww Tim...
Tim: i just feel like i want you right next to me every night when i go to sleep
Tim: and right next to me every mormning when i weake up
Me: Jenny moment
Me: with two sentences you brought tears to my eyes...
Tim: no jenny momeny
Tim: that's a kristy moment for me
Me: I wish I could hug you so bad

You have no idea how much that little piece of text just ripped out my heart. I never knew you had someone else in your life that you felt the exact same way as you “supposedly” did about me. I never even contemplated you seeing or speaking to anyone else like you have with me. I knew you said its like you were back with your husband in any particular way, but this shocked and mortally wounded me.

Never in my wildest dreams had thought you were doing this with someone else. And all that time you moved to that apartment you already had ulterior motives set in motion behind my back. Ala Tim.

How am I supposed to trust someone I thought I loved with such a thing as this? HUH? You tell me? Have I been out with anyone or done something like this with someone? Simple answer I have not! But it’s obvious you have been doing this with SEVERAL people. Obviously at least with me and this Tim person. *sighs deeply*

Now onto the next lovely couple of quotes from you and your other man Tim……

“Tim: if i thought it woudl doi any good ..i'd mail you a plane ticket right now
Me: aww Tim
Tim: iu'm not playin
Me: i know
Me: i just wish you could see all the tears rolling down my face....there's something about you ....you always say the most beautiful things to me
Tim: that's only if i thought you'sd actually use it
Me: I would Tim....I'd get on that plane and put my heart on my sleeve and just hope beyond hope that I wasn't gonna get it ripped apart again
Tim: i wouldn't do that to you
Me: its not you that I doubt
Me: its me.... I must have done something wrong for everything bad that's happened to have happened to me
Tim: you didn't ever do anythingbad
Tim: it's the assholes in your lfie”
Wow this sounds awfully familiar………..I wonder who else has told you that line? Mmmmm let me count…….Me, Tim, probably that jack off who use to live in NC or whatever…….god who else has been telling you this that you have so wonderfully and carefully not made mention of?

Maybe you are better off with a drunk who shares his feelings better then someone who does not drink and just speaks from his heart not under the influence of alcohol all the time. Yeah that’s the ticket………….YOUR PLANE TICKET…….

God I feel like such a fucking ass right now. I feel so played and used for your momentary pleasures of the whim. Obviously I am only here for your amusement, nothing more then that! Thanks! I feel so fucking special now. *sighs*

And I wonder what “assholes” he is referring to? Hummmm I dare think I am one of those “assholes.” But seeing as how you spoke the same to me as you have him…….God only knows what you have REALLY said about me. This “asshole,” ME, actually cared for you and I did not have to DRUNK to tell you how I felt about you. *bows head in total shame*

“Me: tell me how to get to the life I want and I will just do it
Tim: don't take no for an answer..believe that yopu are the mosat important person in yoiur life
Me: I can do that
Me: I've already begun to do that
Tim: and the only thing i can do is reinstill back into you the fact that you are someone..and that you can lovce and be loved
Me: I know it everytime I speak with you....I am so aware that I never knew what happy was.....until you
Tim: bring it on
Me: :-D I will.
Me: be careful what you wish for
Me: you just might get it
Tim: i've been wishing for it for a while now
Me: me too Tim”

Hummmm can we add more insult to injury here? I think not! Right now as I am writing this I am crying so hard and I feel my heart ripping apart. I don’t know its something you need to hear from every single man or what? I can see though from the looks of it……….it is. I just lowlier and lowlier every time I keep looking back over that this fucking webpage you made.

I wish you had never sent me the god dang link and just had kept me in mushroom status. Meaning……..You just stick me in a dark place, keep feeding me shit, and let the rest of the TRUTH pass me by. Making me think everything is right as rain. When in fact IT’S ALL A LIE!

“Me: I love how you listen to me.
Me: I love how you talk to me.
Me: I love how you understand me.
Me: I love how you give me a chance to understand you”

Gee these words sound awfully familiar……..Who else have said them too? Hummmm Once again I feel ever so special. Having heard those words from you a bunch of times made me so special. Now I feel like complete shit!

Thanks again Kristy.

“Tim: ever thought about jusdt leavn gthere and startinmg all over agian?
Me: every single day
Me: every day before you
Me: every day a thousand times since you
Tim: do something baout it”

Here is another real gem that really mad me cry………Thanks………..wow you said the same thing to me just about what? An hour or so before you spoke to him? Mmmmm Thanks. Maybe you should post this crap I am spewing and let him see he is NOT the only one have said this to. I have never been someone for vengeance, never in my entire life have I felt such betrayal and rage. I wish I could share a piece of my mind with him and just tell him how much of the exact same crap you have told me. DO YOU KNOW HOW HURT I AM? REALLY???? DO YOU????

“Me: I think about finding a way to pack up everything i own including my son and just splitting. Having him walk in the door to find nothing.
Tim: do it
Me: I don't have the needed cash to do that.
Tim: i can't be;live i just dasd that
Tim: said that
Me: said what?
Tim: how juch do you think you'd need?
Me: I don't know.
Me: I never checked.
Me: I mean I'd have to find out and have a plan ..know what I was doing and where I was going.
Tim: i know wheere you'd be goiing
Me: but how do you know Tim.....without meeting me first...how can you be so sure?
Tim: Me: kewl they say that now's when the truth will come out
Tim: i rest my case”

Let’s see……..once again……..who else said this same line? BUT WAS NOT DRUNK WHEN HE SAID IT? Hummmm Mmmmm ME maybe? Yeah I think so………yeah I am quite sure it was me……. Thanks for restoring my confidence in humanity. *dripping with extreme sarcasm*

“Me: we need to get you drunk more often
Me: lol
Tim: come over here and do it
Me: I wish I could
Me: I wish I could just be with you right now”

Yeah that is a great idea Kristy. Go do that. Really. Take your son and yourself and live with a drunk. Excellent idea! I wish I would have thought of such a wonderful scheme as that. And that last line? Sounds familiar to me…..I wonder where I heard that line before? *shrugs*

“Me: I sat and cried and thought about running to you and I didn't because my life before you isn't your fault
Tim: i accept you as you are...as you were..and as you will be
Tim: unconditionally
Me: i know but I want to come to you with happy things....
Me: with brand new pages.....so we can write a new story together
Tim: forget about the parst..we coudl have our own nhaoppy thngs
Me: lol...you're so drunk..how cute”

Yeah how cute…….why don’t you go write that story with him….Excellent idea there. Just don’t forget to mention the OTHER man whom you have crushed by all of this! THANKS!

“Me: I'm going to ask you these questions again when you're not drunk.....see what you say then.
Tim: i'm not that drunk to not say what i really mean
Me: Tim....
Me: I don't know what's going to happen.
Tim: i have told you sober and drunk that i care about you and that i want you
Me: but I know one thing for sure
Me: I may not be in love with you because you have to meet a person to gain that....but
Me: I do love you Tim. I do care about you. And I can't imagine you not being a part of my life.
Tim: well..we should doo somethign about it then”

Once again……..Thanks for making me feel such the wonderful man I thought I was. NOT! Yes why don’t you do something about it? Sounds like he knows what he talking about. Unlike me who knows jack shit about anything. Excellent idea. *Once again more excessive sarcasm*

“Me: I can't imagine no more "jenny moments" because you're the first person that's ever made me that happy
Tim: i just want you to ffeel loved
Tim: wanted
Tim: appreciated
Me: why Tim? why? why do you want that?
Tim: cause i think you';re special
Tim: and i think we could have something
Me: :-)”

Wow those words sound awfully familiar…….Hummmm I wonder who told me those? Hummmm I think it was you Kristy who told me them…..or was it your alter ego that said them? One for James and the other for Tim? God who else do say this stuff to? I feel ever more the dupe once again. Thanks. I never thought I could feel as low as I do right now………but you have made sure you make me feel that way……..Thanks again Kristy.

“Me: so many obstacles......they don't scare you?
Tim: nothing scares me
Tim: except the unkown
Tim: unknown
Me: and I'm not the unknown?
Me: you've never met me
Tim: no..i feel like i'm knownt you my entire life
Me: i know what you're saying, I feel that too”

Yeah the unknown is a strange thing…..its amazing just how unknown you to me now. I thought I knew the real Kristy, but then again……I DON’T!

Inclusion……..

This has been the most painful letter I have written since way back in College when I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 ½ years. Do you really know how HURT I am? Really? Do you know how much pain in a few short moments you have caused? Do you know how much in love I wanted to be with you? Now you have systematically destroyed that. Bravo Kristy….Bravo.

Now you are free to be with your TIM, I hope you have as much fun with him as you have had “playing” with me and my mind. Thank you.

IF you care to respond to any of this? And HONESTLY try to make sense of this and explain to me HONESTLY what is going on? Then go ahead and try. I will do my best my best to try and keep an open mind. But to be perfectly honest….you have hurt me like NO OTHER WOMAN has. Let that be told now.

You have taken that long double edged knife and relentlessly cut open it and removed my once beating hear.

You have no idea the pain you have caused me.

And you if you think I did not care? Would have written NINE FUCKING PAGES explaining of how feel and thought? I CARED!

But you ………………… DON’T! DIDN’T! NEVER WILL! NEVER HAVE!

SO………………….IF I AM WRONG?

PROVE IT!

Deeply hurt…….

James

And then I talked to him….

Me: ok I have a question for you
“him”: just one?
Me: cause of a conversation I had with someone
“him”: holy shit this is easy
Me: yeah just one
Me: "do you really give a flying fuck about me?"
“him”: you asked someone this question
Me: no..I had a conversation with someone and now I'm asking you this question
“him”: what did the other person say
Me: oh nevermind
Me: lets drop it
“him”: i wanna know
“him”: who your discussing shit with
Me: said I shouldn't even consider meeting up with you cause all you do is hurt me
Me: “friend”
Me: said it
Me: she said you don't give a flying fuck about me
“him”: Ok well its not “friend”s decision its yours
Me: well I know that
Me: but I'm asking you the question for my own benefit
Me: not hers
“him”: youve asked me this before
Me: although sometimes I do wonder why I so violently defend you like I do
Me: I don't think you'd defend me that way to anyone
“him”: no i would not
Me: well there you have it
“him”: what do you have
Me: my answer
“him”: which is
Me: oh hell I don't know...but that statements not a pleasant one
Me: I defend you like I'm fighting for my last meal
“him”: i dont have no need to defend you
Me: good point
“him”: cuz i dont talk my business with anyone but you
Me: so are you going to answer me?
“him”: do i give a flying fuck about you
“him”: of course i do
Me: you do discuss your business with other people....you tell me about
Bev and about Jill...so surely you do talk to someone about me “him”: no
Me: c'mon so you're telling me that you tell me everything and tell no one else anything about me?
“him”: yep
“him”: i never thought of it that way
“him”: but yep
Me: why?
Me: why am I any different?
“him”: hmm
“him”: most ppl are too busy wrapped up in themselves to listen about anyone else unless of coures they think its gossip
Me: i think that was a compliment so thanks
“him”: yw
“him”: if in your mind you dont know or unsure you want to meet me then play it safe.....DONT
Me: I didn't say that
“him”: well why are you asking everybody in the phonebook when the answer is found right here------->kristy
Me: I didn't ask everyone in the phone book
Me: I talked to “friend” about it ...that's it
Me: I've learned my lesson about everyone in the phone book
“him”: what makes you think “friend” has all the answers
Me: I don't think that
Me: I came and talked with you about it didn't i?
Me: if she had all the answers I wouldn't be sitting here talking to you about it would I?
Me: I'm coming to you.
“him”: its not like your paying for a ticket and flying to *@*&#
Me: its not like your paying for a ticket and flying to *@&((@!@
“him”: right its a business trip
Me: “friend” said "he just wants to meet you to resolve his curiosity"
“him”: damn does she do fortunes too
Me: here's the thing ....
Me: the reason I defend you like I do
Me: has nothing to do with emotions
“him”: good
Me: and everything to do with one thing
Me: you earned that sense of loyalty or whatever it is....you earned it and as far as I'm concerned I don't care if anyone else understands it.....I am loyal to you because you are my friend
“him”: ok then thats a bond between us has nothing to do with anyone else unless you open the door for them
Me: well....I talked to her about lots of stuff and mentioned in passing that you might come here for business
Me: she immediately jumped all over me
“him”: why
Me: my fault really
“him”: whats her concern
“him”: am i a serial killer
Me: I have gone to her upset about you long ago
Me: she said "he's just gonna make you cry again"
Me: that's her concern
Me: she thinks you're all about hurting me
“him”: ya i make it my lifes purpose to go out of my way and hurt you
“him”: your my fixation of hurt
“him”: whatever
Me: lol I didn't say it
Me: I don't think it
“him”: drop the it
Me: ewww
Me: I didn't say....I don't think
“him”: yeah but i did
“him”: your a big girl you can meet who the hell you want
Me: can I tell you something? “him”: sure
Me: my life's a lot less confusing when I push everyone but out of it “him”: why is that
Me: I don't know
Me: I've just found it to be the case
Me: even if I don't talk to you often
Me: if i push everyone else out
“him”: am i simple a man
Me: i can keep my thoughts straight. You refuse to let me get lost in la la land and I think that’s what I hate and need the most from you.
Me: hahahaha you simple??? LMFAO....
“him”: naaa i didnt think so
“him”: not too anyone else anyways
Me: I think you are simple in the things that you want.....complex in the way you go about things
“him”: i see things differently
“him”: but my assocations are not typical
“him”: associations
Me: well I have a hell of a time understanding you......but I know thats the same thing that keeps me interested.......and I know why other people just choose to say you're nothing but bad for me
“him”: why
Me: because you drive me nuts
“him”: lol
“him”: HAHAHAAA
Me: they figure I'm better off without the aggravation
“him”: but nobody asked you to figure me out
Me: i know
“him”: you took that upon yourself
3:27 p.m. ::
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