cluttering the net since 2001

happy...maybe soon

Tuesday, Mar. 19, 2002

I have to admit…I lied to "him" more than once. I lied to him about more than one issue and I lied to him about things he still doesn’t know about. For one thing, I never read that stupid ass book “How to write a damn fine novel” because it was lame. No one wakes up one day and reads that book and then writes a damn fine novel. I read the first 3 chapters and it occurred to me that if the author knew how to write a damn fine novel he woulda wrote one! Doh! For two….the bottle of perfume was so small and I never did get the fucking lid off to even smell the shit. Three…. Well…you get my point. I think in some ways we all lie to someone sometime…and when you know a person online it’s so much easier to embellish those normally small little white lies. There’s a giant gray area on the Internet that lends itself to being a wicked outlet for something sinister even if you are not sinister anywhere else.

In the end text is text and it never is real. I believe that I know that I will never lie about who I am again hoping to be “enough” for someone again. I know that I am special and that just because I have had some horrible things happen in my lifetime doesn’t make me a bad or undesirable person. He is looking for perfection and that is why he’s 34 years old and alone. Alone in the sense that money won’t hold him and it won’t lay itself down beside him on a cold night. Alone in the sense that he has no little ones to wrap their arms around him and love him in a real and succinct way.

I don’t think his decision to say goodbye to me was anything but a good and correct one for himself. Himself….a selfish act of a man that I never knew I think. Because the guy I thought I knew told me that we’d be Friends Forever. And in the end he told me the biggest lie. The one that mattered the most to me is the one promise he broke.

On the flip side of the negative aspects…because of him I have done the following

1. I have lost a total of 65 lbs, half of that being since and because of his purchasing that “Dr. Atkins” video for me.

2. I have begun to exercise on a regular basis and still use my Walk Away the Pounds videos he got me.

3. I have learned that lying will get you nowhere and the value of honesty and truth.
4. I have learned how to write down my goals and follow through with them.
5. I got a raise and have also been able to focus more at work.

6. I have begun to break my addiction to the Internet.

7. I know that love isn’t found in the blips of a computer screen but rather in the blips of reality. And while I believe there are those that do find a true and lasting love…it is rare and not to me worth wading through all the bullshit for which I myself am just as guilty of.

8. I learned the most about who and what I am within my Internet relationship with him. I found out more about myself in the throes of “him” than I have with or around any other human being to date.

9. I should have listened to him the most when he said, “You should be happy and appreciate what you do have. Maybe you better make a list on paper so you realize what you do have and what you should never give up. THANK GOD FOR WHAT YOU HAVE AND HOLD ON TO IT!

That last one….I really should have listened to him. He told me that before I moved out…before I …well….I should have made that list he talked about and really listened to him. The grass…I wasn’t looking for greener…but I also wasn’t thinking about a lot of other stuff.

Today I got an email asking me if I embellished my diary entries. Asking me if I was actually writing a novel. I can only say…I wish. I wish this was all a story and not reality. It would be easier to rid myself of a book. Easier to turn a page than it is to change a lifetime.

As you can see…I’ve never much been good at goodbye... But it was more fun when I was writing entries about books and music and Bucky and happy things abound....maybe soon...


by the way....the stalker continues to call
2:36 a.m. ::
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