PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

Dr. Feelgood

Wednesday, Nov. 16, 2005
Today I went to a new doctor. I haven’t talked about the psychological stuff in a long long time because for the longest time I was doing rather well and I didn’t want to utter anything (even if the uttering was laptop typing) to the contrary. But recently the stress’s of wedding planning, paying for the wedding and all that it all added to college, studying, writing papers, working at a (stressful job stressful stressful job) job I love….it was all getting to me.

A few nights ago I had a nearly sleepless night. The anxiety was so bad that I was nearly pacing. Pacing without moving is the worse mental activity that can happen to a person. What’s odd to me is that repeatedly I am told I am suffering with depression and yet I am not sad. I am agitated and restless. I always assimilatd depression with sadness and lethargy. Not these feelings I have had more and more as of late.

So…..I finally did it. I now have great insurance where I work and I haven’t used it really save for the surgery in July. So I asked around, I asked Tonymac because he has a shrink. He gave me a card. I didn’t recognize the name or the address. But then I decided to look up my old doctor and return to him. When I did I learned that he is no longer in town. And turns out the doctor Tonymac sent me to is the same place because my doctor left and the practice moved elsewhere.

But since I had been “out of attendance” for over a year (yes I’ve been being this cheerful and healthy without med’s or assistance) I had to go thru the entire first initial deal. My doctor is a woman…this may or may not be a good thing. We shall see. I learned that she’s lived the majority of her life without her mother and without any family. This made me sad but pleased me because here’s a woman who could possibly understand that invisible demon I live with. I ranted out this list at the answer for “how has it been for you…”

1. I had a baby and there was no one there to tell me how to do anything..no one for my son to call grandma
2. I own no baby pictures of myself because “she” did away with them
3. Holiday’s come and I watch from the outside circle..no one gets it
4. No one knows all that I do not have and struggle to forget
5. No mother is proud when I pull an A in a college course
6. there’s no parent to call when I get a promotion
7. My future husband cannot stand in for everything that is missing
8. It’s not the same replacement and the burden should not be placed on anyone
9. I miss having a mother
10. I do not miss my mother
11. I hate my mother
12. I love my mother
13. My mother does not love me back
14. Ahhh why does this never stop being confusing
15. why does this never cease to hurt me

And then then she asked me what it was like for me and my feelings about the situations with my son. I told her about a time when my son showed me some pictures of his bedroom and it dawned on me I’ve never been in my own son’s bedroom. Say that ten times as a mother and try not to drown in tears….. No it’s not because I wouldn’t go look…but because when you’re divorced and your ex-husband marries an insecure twit who can’t grow up and apologize and bury hatchets and act maturely for the children’s sake…well then you simply cannot walk into your son’s bedroom within their home. You view it via pictures and the fact that that’s so fucked up….well today when I tried to relay a simple msg I was in tears…..unexpected tears…..

Awww fuck I hate when they make you cry….

But I’m glad I went…..I’m hopeful…..I’m always looking for that black and white answer and though I fear it will never come….I will keep hunting it down…..at least this time I caught the worst of the symptoms early on and maybe I have saved myself some late nights of hell…..

Turns out Tonymac told her about our jobs being stressful and since Tonymac and I have mirroring types of positions she got it right away…..I thanked Tonymac later for laying down the bridge to that story so that I merely had to say what I did for a living for her to “get it” right away.

So…now there’s a new Dr. Feelgood in my life…no more Randy no more Bernie…..just this Dr. Feelgood….and a new drug….and 14 days to figure out if it helps....and another appointment....a month from now.

She asked me if I was nervous about the upcoming wedding. I said, "NO....I love him...I'm sure...I'm just stressed out." She sat for a few moments...and she said, "Are you sure he's not going to ever abandon you like everyone else you have loved?"

More tears.....it can suck so bad when someone touches the rawest place within....hopefully Dr. Feelgood has some good band aids too.





p.s. Reason #989,231,092,564,001 I pick Rick: I could not figure out to get to the Dr.'s office exactly and did not want to miss more work than necessary to go to the doctor's office today during my workday....so when I told Rick I was confused about where the heck the map meant for me to go....he drove to my workplace and drove to the doctor's office while I followed behind him. When we arrived (and we both had a small snafu in finding the place..the map was wrong!!)...he got out of the truck and walked back to kiss me goodbye and wish me luck at the doctor's....and his final words.."ten more days honey...ten more days" just like a child announces his waiting for Christmas. He truly gives me a suit of armour that makes me tough enough to face any of my fears....

8:23 p.m. ::
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