PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

In friendship there are never goodbyes only goodnight

Tuesday, Jul. 16, 2002
I don't want to say goodbye because you are my closest friend and I care for you so much. I understand that my life sucks and you have a hard time watching it go on. I wish I had answers for the problems in my life right now but I don't. I wish I could explain what I see that keeps me going but its hard because I wonder myself at times. You are my best friend and always will be. I can't walk away or could if I wanted to. There are many times I wouldn't have made it through the day without you. If you can't do it I understand and would never hold it against you I only ask for your friendship at whatever level you can give. I will be alway eternally greatful for you and know that god truly does have a plan for kristy. Take care and good luck for whatever the future holds. In friendship there are never goodbyes only goodnight. forever, seahorse

Seahorse,

There never was a good relationship that came along easy. It comes from time and patience and a mutual caring for each other. Last night I sat and whined and carried on because I felt slighted for wanting to reach out to someone. Slighted not once, but really in my heart I felt it twice because ďheĒ was there but when he heard the tears coming he was ďtired and gotta head to bedĒ. I know that brush off technique. It sucks. It comes sometimes at the worst possible times.

How many times have I slighted you only to have you come tell me that YOU are sorry? How many times have I lost it and just couldnít or didnít know how to take it anymore? Way too many. Maybe I suck just like all of the people that I talk about being so cold hearted. Maybe I am one of them.

If I called you over close to me to show you something I wrote, I already know that youíd drop everything you were doing, sit down next to me and read every word I wrote like they were drops of water provided on the desert. I know this because you are that person in my life that is this way always. For years you have been the better friend in our relationship. I fail so miserably sometimes. I just fail.

I canít even begin to imagine my life without you in it. I am a fool to think I could ever be able to do it. As much as you say there are days you couldnít have made it through without me, I have had those days over here too. Days when no one even noticed my heart breaking or how neurotic I really am. Days when it didnít matter to anyone. And then there you are ďI thought I would call and make sure youíre okĒ. Too many days to count, too many days to write about.

I donít want to look for you and find a big blank empty space of gray air. I justÖ I have such a hard time watching you hurt. It breaks me apart and kills me in a way little else does anymore. Other things, other people I can deal with without being full of razorbladed pain. I have learned to turn off. I cannot and never have been able to do that where you are concerned.

I wish I had a magic wand, but the fact is the real world is a cruel place sometimes and I canít bend the words like I can on paper. I canít make them submit to thesaurus spells because of my wishes.

You, you should know I canít get my way. I canít make you happy. I canít take all the bad stuff away. I lose my patience and throw the ball down and rush off the field. Itís hard to always feel like youíre losing.

But I just realized like I always do that you were always smarter than me. Because you said, In friendship there are never goodbyes only goodnight. I donít want goodbye.

Goodnight,
Me
8:53 a.m. ::
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