PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

i tremble when i look at your face

Sunday, Aug. 11, 2002
Ya know I still really miss my prelude…

I’ve been sitting around for the last few hours doing nothing. Absolutely nothing but reading. Then I had a kewl little conversation with BraN. I love when my phone rings and it’s him. He’s just so happy all the time, its like bending over and getting a happy shot in my sad ass.

I slept all day. Yup all day long. Sunday = sleep day. It’s the day I sleep all day mostly. I can’t sleep any other time. It’s like by Saturday night I am so exhausted and stuff. But I was up til 7 a.m. romancing Afghanistan. That boy… he puts his face close up to his screen and I am compelled to put my hand on my screen. I’ve never done that before. The second time I did it I caught myself and realized just how lame it is.

I got a new program/site for downloading music and so I’ve been downloading tons of new stuff. Deleting old stuff I can’t even remember. And I’m feeling so happy all over. Music is all it takes in my little world.

When I got up earlier tonight I took a big huge bubble bath. Turned the Jacuzzi on illegally with tons of bubble bath and slicked my hair up with conditioner. I scruffed the dead skin off my feet. I prettied up my body. I primped and prettied for 2 hours. I tweezed the brows, did a mud mask on my face. I got rid of unwanted hair and feel all smooth and sexy and shiny everywhere. I clipped my fingernails and toenails. Did the entire pedicure thing. I painted my toenails with this new polish I bought yesterday when I spent $75 on new makeup, cleanser and all that pretty me up stuff. I feel all girly and sexy. I get so lazy sometimes. I just go to work and come home and write and read and do nothing. And then one day I realize, “I want to feel all girly today” and I go haywire and go nutso on myself. And then in a few scant hours I feel amazing.

‘t’ does this to me. I feel mostly neglected as a woman. Sadly it does take a man’s attentions and desires to make us sometimes feel desirous. Last night I stood up and walked away from my cam to go get a Popsicle and came back to see “hey I saw kristy’s butt!!!” typed a ton of times by "t". This made me think about how being told stuff like this… it makes me strive to be the best that I can be. Shallow I know.. And I have never been this way before. But I think I have gone far too long in my life without affection and attention in the sexual area. It’s not what he said about me…it’s the way he leans forward close to his screen trying to see all of me. The way I want to peel off my clothes for his eyes only. Of course I didn’t. I think that stuff is lame. I’m not getting naked for anyone in front of a mechanical machine. Forget it. That boy’s gotta come back to Ft Bragg first… Of course I was having all those self image fears….a carry over from the last close relationship that tended to make me feel less than….. and today I got some offline messages….

t (Sun 08/11/02 12:25:40 PM): hey, you there babe?
t (Sun 08/11/02 01:04:10 PM): I am going to go to bed babe....maybe I can catch you in the morning....I love you Kristy...g'night




I love how he looks for me, never hides his feelings…

and back to that self image issue I struggle with after all that perfect image issue with “him” …I have issues…and have expressed them freely to ‘t’ and his response… I stood in front of my cam last night shaking with fear….he said “you’re beautiful” I sad “nah”. I got this email from him today….

From: t
To: k
Subject: Seeing the Truth
Date: Sun, 11 Aug 2002 06:27:32 -0700 (PDT)

Love isn't blind, it just only sees what matters.

- William Curry -


Tomorrow I’m making 100 phone calls about filing and finding a roommate and all that sort of stuff. Wish me luck…

-PoeticaL

I tremble when I look at your face
And I want all the world to see
def leppard
10:25 p.m. ::
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